Thursday, September 28, 2006

Sources!

Umm, good? I guess. That's why I'm not a blogger anymore, I suppose. I mean, did these same "sources" reveal that that tomorrow the sun is going to rise? I can't think up a reaction to something I've known for a year. Hell, next you're going to want 2000 words of reaction to Washington having a baseball team.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Themes

My blogging this season has had four themes.
1) The Nats suck.
2) But I don't care because I can't watch them.
3) My indifference is reified by the literally but actually figuratively palpable lack of posts around here, which is so high concept I think I should get a grant.
4) Will Carroll.

And I think I did a pretty good job of balancing these four topics, what with the months of not posting interrupted by the occasional jamming of my blog-finger, Pillsbury Doughboy-style, into the Wickman-soft stomach of Will Carroll's inanity.

But now things have changed. Will Carroll has moved on, and the Nats are on TV. And that's made a difference, a difference so drastic that even I'm surprised. (Not Will -- I actually see him less often than I do Anita Marks these days.) The Nats still suck, Bodes is still in charge, and I still haven't seen anything from ownership to give me any hope, but still: I'm watching the Nats. Any chance I get. Even with Paciorek still grunting.

So I was watching the Nats and realizing there ain't a whole lot to talk about. (Sample abandoned post: News Flash! Austin Kearns looks like the bass player from Wilco!) Plus I was afraid I'd lost my touch. The big news of late has been Alfonso Soriano joining the very exclusive 40-40 club. So I took a look at the issue and thought to myself, "Hmm. What can I say about this that will delight my readers and cow my enemies?" Well, if you look at the list, you notice that almost everyone on it is an asshole. So I started thinking -- and here you get to watch the maestro at work, so feel free to take notes -- this club has more assholes than a proctologist's Rolodex! Well, that doesn't work because there are, at most, three assholes in the club. It's not the number, it's the proportion of assholes, but anything containing the phrase "the proportion of" is going to have a really hard time being funny.

So I got discouraged and gave up. "Sometimes you just gotta know when to give up, kid," I told myself (I call myself kid sometimes). But then I saw the Onion take a stab at it, and I realized that there's no way to make a good joke out of it, which made me feel better. So, in conclusion, make it your pastime!

Friday, September 15, 2006

It Helps that Ortiz Bugs the Hell out of Me

Interesting question over at teh OMG: do you care that Soriano is getting himself thrown out and picked off and whatnot in his quest for 40 steals? I certainly don't. I'm not going to begrudge the guy his shot at a place in the record books next to Jose Canseco (and let's give it up to Alfonso for not bouncing one off his head), even it means he's going to be distracted from playing the game properly.

But I think I'm obliged in one sense or another to post this disclaimer: I am a terrible Nats fan. Maybe the worst. With that said, it won't be a surprise that I'm rooting for Ohka tonight, and Soriano can make as many history-pursuing outs as he wants.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

It Helps that Armas Bugs the Hell out of Me

Interesting question over at teh OMG: do you care that Soriano is getting himself thrown out and picked off and whatnot in his quest for 40 steals? I certainly don't. I'm not going to begrudge the guy his shot at a place in the record books next to Jose Canseco (and let's give it up to Alfonso for not bouncing one off his head), even it means he's going to be distracted from playing the game properly.

But I think I'm obliged in one sense or another to post this disclaimer: I am a terrible Nats fan. Maybe the worst. With that said, it won't be a surprise that I'm rooting for ¡Livan! tonight, and Soriano can make as many history-pursuing outs as he wants.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

What I Learned from Having MASN for Three Days

  • Brian Billick sure has a lot to say.
  • Anita Marks can do anything! Except make me watch her show or even go to the trouble of figuring out who the hell she is.
  • When in Denver, Bob Carpenter can't stop saying "In this ballpark." I'm guessing it's the thin air.
  • Jamey Carroll's still mad.
  • Tom Paciorek's still annoying.
  • The Nats suck so bad only dogs can hear it.