"Content"

Amazing. Immediately after I lamented the end of my symbiotic relationship with the news-breakers at Formula PR, Dan Guzman of WUSA-TV stepped in to the fill the void. Dan, no doubt driven by a burning desire to rehabilitate his last name among the Nationals cognoscenti, passes along this exclusive look inside the new ballpark that I had kind of forgotten they were building. Story by Dan Guzman, photos by Dan Guzman, video presumably by Dan Guzman: add some paisley and a fuzzy guitar solo and you could call it the Dan Guzman Experience.

It took less than a day for the folks at channel 9 (right?) to solve one of my blogproblems, so I assume that they're already hard at work blowing the lid off what I've termed "VenezuelansWithCarthaginianNamesGate." I mean, if you're going to name your kids after history's most notorious repeat losers, there are better choices, like Jim Kelly or Adlai Stevenson or Bowser.

So, with "content" out of the way, I resume pimping. That article that I want you to click on is still there, thirsty for clicks and even moreso for diggs. And now there's bonus content in the form of insane comments! Here's a fun game: try to identify which of the comments almost make me regret writing the damn thing.

I Hope You Like Our New Direction

You may recall from the much-heralded relaunch of Distinguished Senators my commitment to bringing you the very best of all the press releases that landed in my inbox. I thought it went well for a post, but then my source at Formula PR stopped sending me releases. I figured we had a "you scratch my back I'll scratch yours" relationship, but I guess I was wrong. Perhaps it was unwise of me to steal that line from Superbad about the unusual location of my back.

So with that avenue closed, I was forced to devise a new format. The new Distinguished Senators will consist of two things:
1) My attempts to get to the bottom of the Venezuelan proclivity for Carthaginian names and
B) Helpful directions to things on the Internet that you should read.

As for the Venezuelans, it's very puzzling. Asdrubal Cabrera? Anibal Sanchez? Even Omar Infante's dead brother has one. Hours of research turned up nothing. Clearly, someone -- someone powerful -- didn't want me to find the truth. My current theory, therefore, is that Venezuela was flooded with Carthaginian war criminals after the Third Punic War, and that their descendants are busily planning a fourth.

Meanwhile, I looked far and wide for features on the internet landscape that you, my beloved and closely-knit community of readers, fans, and cultists should make a point of seeing.

I could find only one, and it's right here. The author is someone whose jokes I've been laughing at for years. What I need is for all of you to click on that link -- or, if that link displeases you, this one -- as many times as you possibly can and from as many computers as you can manage to sit in front of.

And I don't know if you've heard of this Digg thing, but let me tell you: I just found out that there is no time like the present to sign up and start digging away. The only flaw I can see is that they won't let me "digg" the only thing I think anyone should be reading more than once. So that's where you come in.

How Long Must The Truth Go Unrecognized?

Alex Christopher, telling us what we're not ready to hear about the reptilian aliens under Denver International Airport.

AC: If Phil is right, and all this hooks up to the deep underground base that he was offered the plans to build back in 1979, and that what this other man told me in private that there is a lot of human slave labor in these deep underground bases being used by these aliens, and that a lot of this slave labor is children. He said that when the children reach the point that they are unable to work any more, they are slaughtered on the spot and consumed.

DA: Consumed by who?

AC: Aliens. Again, this is not from me, but from a man that gave his life to get this information out. He worked down there for close to 20 years, and he knew everything that was going on.

DA: Hmmm. Who do these aliens eat?

AC: They specifically like young human children, that haven't been contaminated like adults. Well, there is a gentleman out giving a lot of information from a source he gets it from, and he says that there is an incredible number of children snatched in this country.

DA: Over 200,000 each year.

AC: And that these children are the main entree for dinner.

DA: How many Draconians are down there?

AC: I have heard the figure of 150,000 just in the New York area.

Unendable inbox presence Lee Sinins, telling us what we're not ready to hear about the sham that is the playoffs:

Some of you may recall that, several years ago, I announced that was withdrawing my recognition of the postseason and of the World Series winners due to the meaningless of small sample sizes in baseball. . . And to those who consider this to be insanity, well, I consider recognizing a team as a champion because of small sample garbage to be insanity.

Lee, surely there is no one who would dare question you, right?

Since I'm getting so many messages from people who say they found "errors" in my list of champions, I need to send this to everyone.

There are no errors in the lists.

Those lists of champions are the champions recognized by me.

He's like a Martin Luther for our time, ready to bring down the Establishment in the interest of Truth!

And Sinins has a point too.

Open Letter

Dear Internet Baseball Community,

I'm sorry that I was right. It's not like I didn't warn you.

Your Pal,
Ryan

P.S. "Mark" says hi.

P.P.S. More Will. And the damn gyroball.

The Formula

Right. So I don't have anything to say, which was bound to happen sooner or later. Probably sooner. But lately I've been immersed in the marketing potential of blogs. I mean, I don't think there is much -- at least not with anything I'm involved in -- but going by the only emails I get these days, somebody must think there's potential. So in the spirit of the time I quoted an email from MASN as a transparent excuse to post a YouTube of that awesome Nike commercial with Bootsy Collins, I am for the time being dedicating Distinguished Senators to bringing you, the reader who probably either knows me personally or clicked over here because Needham was nice enough to put me in his reader thingy, the latest developments in Nationals-related PR.

Our first update comes from my close, personal friend Ashley Hanley of Formula PR, who sends along the news that they're going to let kids talk into microphones at the ESPN Zone. Who's now? Your 12-year-old!

ESPN Zone and the Washington Nationals have teamed up to host the Junior Broadcaster competition, a search for the next generation of sports announcers. Children 12 and under will compete for the opportunity to work in the broadcast booth on September 2 during Nationals’ Kids Run the Show Day at RFK Stadium. On August 20, entrants are invited to ESPN Zone, located at 555 12^th Street NW, where each will have the opportunity to showcase their sports-announcing chops. Two Junior Broadcasters will be selected at the end of the competition.

“Junior Broadcaster is about having fun and getting talented young sports fans onsite to give announcing a try,” said Leigh Friedman, ESPN Zone’s regional marketing manager. “However, for some ambitious individuals it’s more than that. It’s a competition and they come out to win. We’ll get entrants from all over the area and even outside the state, so we’re excited to see what kind of talent emerges as a result of this contest. Deciding on a winner will not be an easy task.”

Wow, a quote from ESPN Zone's infamously hard-to-reach regional marketing manager. Very impressive, Ashley, and we all look forward to hearing from you about the next event Formula PR has the honor of promoting by mass email. Or, more likely, the last event Formula had the honor of promoting, because I've got a bit of a backlog in my inbox.

Mets!

In an unbelievable turn of events, one that should but almost certainly won't serve as a wakeup call to the shiftless proprietor of this site, those wishing to read my thoughts on the Nationals must direct themselves to a Mets blog. Mets Today was rad enough to solicit my thoughts on the team, and what follows is certain to be the most insightful ten questions and answers you'll read about the Nats on a Mets site this month. Guaranteed. So get over there, don't embarrass me in front of the Mets fans, and make it seem like you're accidentally bringing up Jesus Flores every chance you get.

As for this place, well, I figure as long I have an outlet to whine about my favorite team once or twice a year, and I can go ahead and turn Distinguished Senators into a full time Chris Hansen fan page.

Above: Our generation's Eliot Ness. He has your chat logs.

Dmitripalooza: Final

Dmitripalooza has to be dying down soon, right? Once the Nationals start playing again, alternative storylines will develop, like the one where Dmitri Young gets traded and the one where all remaining Nats fans shake their tiny fists at the cold, merciless Plan and the soulless men who serve it. So one last Meathook post, then I'm done for a while.

The Examiner's Phil Wood has added his voice to the off-key chorus calling for Meathook retention. There's no point in engaging his case. He says nothing Boswell didn't already try to say in his chat, and his arguments are nothing more than window dressing to his actual motivation, which is pure puppy love.

I understand the temptation among Nats fans to love the one you're with. The team is not very good and pretty colorless, and fans need to attach themselves to something. But this Dmitri Young thing is so obviously borne of desparation -- it wouldn't be happening if Zimmerman had done anything of note -- that it's just undignified. I'm not saying you have to wait until marriage, Nats fans, but it's only been a few months. Don't give up your hearts that easy.

Meanwhile, and I really don't like harping on this, two more profiles of Young appeared before the All Star Game. The Times and the official organ both chimed in with efforts that would have looked like puff pieces even without the existence of Barry Svrluga's piece. Coming as they did after it made a certain shared omission all the more pronounced.

These are not rhetorical questions; I can be convinced on this issue, and I am looking for feedback: Am I expecting too much? Should I look at these pieces like they're glad handing celebrity rag material rather than real journalism? Is it unreasonable to expect a mention of Dmitri Young's beating the hell out of his girlfriend in the retelling of his story of redemption? The answer seemed pretty clear to me a week ago, but it seems that the journalistic consensus is trying to change my mind.