Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Fat Guys Dropping Balls

I gotta say, my first Nats game was not satisfying television. It could have been. The main thing I took away from it was fat guys dropping balls. In many other contexts -- the circus, a sumo tiebreaker decided by juggling, the Caribbean World Series -- this would be high entertainment. But as jaded as I've forced myself to become about my favorite team, they're still my favorite team, and that kind of thing can't help but hurt.

Dmitri Young does no team credit. I've found that any predeliction has something that's very difficult to justify to outsiders. For example, I enjoy a little mixed martial arts from time to time. I'm not huge fan; I'm not going to pay for it, but I'll watch some human cockfighting when it's on. The problem is that most UFC bouts have a point -- and this point can stretch for several excruciating minutes -- where the one muscular man wearing nothing but some little combat panties is lying right on top of the other muscular man wearing nothing but some little combat panties, and neither of them is doing much but breathing heavily. Try explaining that to a wife or girlfriend or parent or spiritual advisor.

As a Nats fan, that point came last night during Dmitri Young's first at-bat. He's a fine figure of a man with his zeppelinish ass, his jersey protruding over his belt like he's trying to hide a tortoise flat against his belly, and his not insignificant yellow sheet. Seeing him wheezing his way up to the plate, my wife turned to me and said two words: "Professional. Athlete." I knew she was just trying to get me to hit the recall button on the remote and get us back to MASN1 so she could indulge in elaborate house-playing fantasies about Brian Roberts, but she had a point nonetheless.

And then he dropped a ball. My attention wandered, but as far as I'm concerned the game was decided by a big fat guy (Young) and a little fat guy (Ronnie Belliard) having baseballs clank uselessly against the instruments they carry specifically to hold them, and that's not an honorable way to lose. Plus no one could hit. Because we suck.

Sorry to be a downer, but I'm just catching up to where the rest of you have been for a week or so, and I'm finding that it's true what everyone says: we suck. But to cheer you up, my absolute favorite Korean baseball cartoonist, Mr. Choi Hoon, has finally gotten to the Nationals, and the results --as usual -- make me realize that I've wasted my life by not learning Korean. Here's Bodes sightseeing:


And here's Da Meat Hook dispensing wisdom. Or something.


Thank you and goodnight.

5 comments:

NatsNation said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
NatsNation said...

This lastest entry of yours is why your blog is one of my favorites. You've returned to form my friend and keep up the good work. Depressing as though it may be. Fat guys dropping balls... LOL.

You crack me up man. :D

ntr Jeff Gannon said...

human cockfighting?

bdrube said...

I agree with natsnation: very funny. We're going to need a lot more of this if we're going to stay sane through this miserable year.

Anonymous said...

Dude,where do you get off calling Ronnie Belliard "a little fat guy?"I'm 5-10,212
lb.-Belliard's size-and I'm considered a muscular,beefy,older(55;56 July 6,but said to look 35-40),handsome black cowboy by a lot of Windsor ladies.(Of course,it helps to have a 47'' Chest Normal,49'' Chest Expanded,40'' Waist and 18'' Biceps amongst my vitals;I don't know what Ronnie
the B. is built like.-Matt Stairs,another
good Canadian lad?)