SAM Missile

I still haven't magically developed the coding ability to put that damn poem in a format that doesn't take up the entirety of the front page and the July archive, so hold on. But I totally looked at a Nats-related thing today (lay off, man. I just picked up Wii Sports Resort), and here's what I found.

That sequence of uncommon efficiency pointed to a broader, sustained truth about Lannan's pitching approach. Since June, judged either by stats or results, Lannan has become a different pitcher. He's also become one of the most unique in baseball, striking out almost nobody, pitching more innings than almost anybody.

Just . . . dude, I know you hate your job, but don't say "most unique." Just don't, man. Don't. I shouldn't have to tell you this, Chico. "I overexaggerated the amount of cash money in the ATM machine, as I found out when I entered you're PIN number too the machine." I shouldn't have to tell you these things. Damn.

Y is for Youth

Y is for Youth, that’s the Plan that we follow
Though the record we have makes it tougher to swallow
We’re better than last year, if I may be so bold
We still lose all the time, but at least we’re not old

Z is for Z-Men(n) – we’ve two of them now
R. at the corner, J. on the mound
By the time that we’re good – and this is a surety
Both Z’s will be collecting Social Security

Thanks to FromOldBooks for the letters, and extra special thanks to Erato, muse of lyric poetry, for flitting about my head intermittently over the last month. Special whatever the opposite of thanks is to the Red Sox, for acquiring a LaRoche and robbing my N stanza of the timelessness to which great poetry aspires. Anyway, I'll put the whole thing up in one post tomorrow. UPDATE: And by "tomorrow," I mean "next week." Who knew it was so damn complicated to do a "Click to read more" on a post?

Postponed for the Start of the Riggleman Era

I'm going to finish this thing next week. I just realized that I have to go to an actual Nats game tomorrow, and preparing for that's interfering with my usual poetical routine of absinthe, opium, and RhymeZone.com, the rhyming dictionary. So stay tuned, and does anyone have a rhyme for "1962 Mets"?

W's for W

W’s for W, red, white, and curly
(My cap is a pink one – don’t say it’s girly)
We should be careful – it might mean tall green
If the lawyers decide we stole it from Walgreens


X is for Treasure, cause X marks the spot
Bad teams get good draft picks and good teams do not
Our death grip on last place ensures there’s no danger
That we won’t get first dibs on that catching teenager

Thanks to FromOldBooks for the letters. Hey, today's Bastille Day! Man, fuck Bastille Day. Seriously, look up Louis XVII on Wikipedia. We might as well celebrate Pol Pot's birthday.

U is for Unicorn

U is for Unicorn, rarest of creatures
A horn and not existing are its greatest features
The odds of you finding one out in the woods
Are the same as the Nats being any damn good


V is for Victory, that slippery dame
She doesn’t come ‘round much at Nationals games
Just when you think that she’s coming our way
In comes the bullpen to scare her away

Thanks to FromOldBooks for the letters, thanks to the Nats for including me in on that letter and making me feel so much better about everything. "We hope to sign our 2009 draft choices by the August deadline" - feel the confidence!

S is for Strasburg

S is for Strasburg, whose bonus will floor us
That's what you get when you roll with Scott Boras
I can't say I care - he's not after my money
But you can see how the Lerners don't think it's funny


T is for Trees, our fine cherry blossoms
The first week of the season, they look pretty awesome
But when May rolls around, the view’s gone to potty
The trees are all bare, and they look like dead bodies

Thanks to FromOldBooks for the letters, thanks to the Nats for manning up and drafting Strasburg, and also thanks to the Nats for not boring us all with a lot tedious negotiations. Have they even called him yet?

Q is for Quaff

Q is for Quaff (that's a dork word for "drink")
The Nats are more fun when you’re too drunk to think
Another Q word, one that here fits right in:
The Quinine in tonic, which goes with your gin


R is for Reds, where our players come from
Pena and Kearns, also Lopez and Dunn
We didn't do well, but the Reds are quite testy
Since Bodes set them up with a broken Majewski


Thanks to FromOldBooks for the letters, thanks to the Rockies for giving me an excuse to drink, and thanks to those pith helmet-wearing limeys for coming with a drink to express how much they dislike humidity.

O's for the O's

O's for the O's, our orange friends up the road
Whose owner, it happens, is a godawful toad
We've got little to boast when it’s time to get hatin'
But as bad as things are, our owner's not Satan


P is for Presidents running around
They get your hopes up, but then Teddy falls down
It’s a good thing they’re there and a good thing they run
It’s the only time Nats fans see something that’s fun


Thanks to FromOldBooks for the letters, thanks to George Washington for being the first president and having the dignity not to reenact sausage races, and special thanks to North Carolina for coming up with the idea of putting vinegar on pork shoulders.

M is for Milledge

M is for Milledge, aspiring rapper
Whose baseball career has gone down the crapper
It was bad before, now it’s worse by a bit
We sent him to Pittsburgh for a guy who can’t hit


N is for Nick, with his nifty moustaches
The baseballs he fields, the baseballs he bashes!
Enjoy while you can all his walks and base knocks
Since soon he’ll be working for the Boston Red Sox


Thanks to FromOldBooks for the letters, and big ups to me for rewriting the Milledge one on the fly.