Distinguished Senators, the Washington Nationals Blog That Is Great

Monday, November 10, 2008

Scott Olsen, Huh?

Seriously, historians are going to look back and see the early history of the Nationals as little but a parade of shitheads. They won't be wrong.

Thursday, July 24, 2008


Damn. Look, I'm used to History proving me right. Remember when Will Carroll said DC's bid for the Expos was dead, and I disagreed? Remember when Will Carroll said that Daisuke Matsuzaka threw an inscrutable magical demon dragon pitch, and I disagreed? Remember when Will Carroll said that he was going to work out until he looked like Brian Giles, and I disagreed? But generally, it takes a while, and generally it's the main thrust of one of my bodacious arguments that's proven, as opposed to some offhand, possibly libelous joke. So this is kind of a new thing for me. Check it:

Ryan T. Moore, July 22, 2008:
Jim Bowden seems committed to spending his time exploring, like a tracksuited Magellan whizzing around on a Segway, novel forms of bad behavior.
James Gordon Bowden III, July 24, 2008:
. . . . the Nationals have already decided that reliever Chad Cordero will be non-tendered. The news comes two weeks after Cordero had shoulder surgery.

General manager Jim Bowden first gave the news to Sports Talk 980 AM in Washington on Wednesday afternoon. Bowden would later confirm what he said in an e-mail to MLB.com['s Bill Ladson] during Wednesday night's game between the Nationals and Giants [we lost].

If I repeat myself, then I repeat myself: Damn. There's nothing wrong with cutting Chad Cordero, other than that he should have been traded a couple years ago. But announcing it like it's a damn wrestling promo -- well, that's what I meant by novel forms of bad behavior.

But, hey, as long as Chad's cool with it, right?

When reached by phone, Cordero was not happy to hear the news [from Bill Ladson of all people].

"I'm shocked he would say it now and make it official. It's a bit upsetting. It's early," Cordero said. "I understand that it's a business."

Good going, Bodes. The guy as responsible as anyone for the miraculous, Bowden's-job-saving 2005 season now thinks (knows?) that you're an awful person. Only now does he realize that the Cincinnati Reds, people who were kind of upset about September 11th, and robbed Dominican teenagers were right all along. Welcome to the club, Chad. If you're looking for a place to complain, I can guarantee that anything you want to post here won't fall off the front page for six or seven months.

P.S. And in the category of weird stuff you find while idly Googling instead of typing out the content, here's this. Jim Bowden for Congress: Because nothing says sound governance like a pixelly picture of a couple of boats.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Jon Rauch is Tall Quadrennium Canceled

It started as just a celebratory week and became a full three years, but the Jon Rauch Is Tall Quadrennium celebrations have been canceled; tattoo enthusiast, original Nat, and staunch gay marriage advocate Jon Rauch has been traded. The man with more career home runs off Roger Clemens than Albert Pujols is off to Arizona -- just as our raddest pitcher donned the preposterous colors of the Diamondbacks, so follows our second raddest. As ever, the tallest follows the fattest.

We got some papally-named infielder I ain't never heard of in return. Is this good? Well, here's how I look at it: Jim Bowden seems committed to spending his time exploring, like a tracksuited Magellan whizzing around on a Segway, novel forms of bad behavior. Every minute he dedicated to exiling Giant Jon to the desert was a minute he wasn't stealing money from Dominican teenagers, so whatever the outcome from a practical point of view, morally the trade's a winner.

Still, I can't help but get wistful when I look at this file photo of Rauch (left) and former Nats beat writer Barry Svrluga (right) talking about Panera during our very first Spring Training.
First Svrluga ran off to run his clothing empire, and now this. Every time an original National leaves, I can't help but think of inexorability of, you know, time and decay and stuff, and that makes me think that someday I'll be dead and that when that happens, this blog will actually be updated less often than it is now. Think about that.

But that can't happen, according to this theory of 2005 Nationals-related immortality I just now developed, as long Cristian Guzman's chubby ass is still around, so hey -- $16 million? That's a damn bargain for keeping me alive and the Distinguished Senators content coming at such a frantic pace.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008


I had no idea I was a member of such an exclusive club. You've probably heard by now that Nationals games on MASN draw . . . well, look: it's not often that something reflects badly (really, really badly) on Nats fans and happens to be a completely inexplicable internet meme, so I'm just going to let the Internet itself explain this for me. One thing bigger than the viewership of Nats games? Goku's power level:

Another thing bigger than the viewership of Nats games? The number of licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.