The Landlord

(Image courtesy of the inscrutable Japanese media.)

Tomokazu "The Landlord" Ohka is safely back in the fold, having signed a one-year contract for $2.75 million to avoid arbitration. That's going to be a huge bargain. Ohka had a more-or-less lost year in 2004, as he took a Carlos Beltran liner off his arm in June, which knocked him out for most of the rest of the year. But check this out:

2002: 192.7 IP, 3.18 ERA, 131 ERA+
2003: 199 IP, 4.16 ERA, 119 ERA+

For a #2 starter, that's much better than solid. If the Landlord put these numbers up for a team with fans and a TV contract, well . . . he wouldn't be a household name, but he'd probably get a ridiculous salary from the Yankees at some point. The point is that Ohka's a really good pitcher, and it's not his fault that no one knows it.

A couple more things about the pitching staff:

• Livan Hernandez, the official pitcher of Distinguished Senators, was the best pitcher in the NL East in 2003, and the second-best in 2004 (behind Carl Pavano). Once again, the fact that few are aware of this doesn't change the fact.
• Tony Armas also signed, so we don't have to worry about arbitration with nobody. I don't expect all that much from him; he's one of those guys who's good when he's healthy but isn't ever healthy. The Nick Johnson of baseball, you might say.
• You know what I don't know anything about? The bullpen. I like the idea that Chad Cordero gets to close and is only 23, but I'm pretty clueless beyond that. Go ahead and fill me in.

Great Moments in Sports Journalism with Dayn Perry!
And once again I don't know who the hell the lucky gal is.

9. Imaginary girlfriend of the week

Golly, it's Phantom co-star Emmy Rossum! I sit through the West Coast premiere of Phantom, but only with the help of my gift-bag Ipod and a creative prostitute. I sit through the Golden Globes, but only because of three sessions of "utility closet coitus" with Emmy. Our fling is torrid, mythic and worthy of verse. We don't talk about who gave whom the clap.

It's like he's trying continually to top himself. The imaginary girlfriend gimmick is amazingly creepy, but growing stale. So he introduces poor hygiene in the Scarlett Johansson delusion, then racial tension with Eva Mendes. I guess he's pretty close to out of ideas, or perhaps he writes this while waiting his turn at the free clinic, because now we have the added element of sexually transmitted diseases. What kind of person fantasizes about and publishes his fantasies about 1) not showering 2) "tamale skills" and "swarthy charms" 3) hookers and 4) STDs? Someone like award-winning Dayn Perry, apparently.