Monday, June 11, 2007

Breaking News

I just received a completely inexplicable email from MASN. It says it's for immediate release, so I'm releasing it. IMMEDIATELY!
MASN to Add “Super Slo Mo” Video Replay to Orioles and Nationals Home Games(WASHINGTON, D.C.) – Providing fans even more access to Nationals and Orioles baseball, the Mid-Atlantic Sports Network will add “Super Slo Mo” video replays to its production of home games, starting with Tuesday’s Beltway Battle at Camden Yards.
Wow, "Super Slo Mo"! I can't believe I didn't notice that they didn't have this before. And I can't believe they're bragging about it. This whole thing -- the technology and especially the terminology -- makes me feel like it's 1975 and MASN's keeping the funk alive.

Above: There is no chance that when the Sun absorbs the Earth this won't have been the greatest commercial in the history of sporting goods. Glory be, the funk's on me.

I've gotten a flood of emails about how Levale Speigner's adequate performance against the Twins on Saturday refutes my theory that 1) he's a golem and B) a golem that I destroyed by revealing the kabbalistic power behind his name, for which I am very sorry. I respond thusly: he's totally a golem. As the instructions clearly indicate, creating such a creature requires, among other things, purity of purpose. If it requires purity of purpose to create a golem, it follows that the lack of such a purity would enrage the monster. The Twins, of course, are cheaters. Dirty, filthy, lying cheaters. They have two World Series titles, both of which they won by cheating. In a just world, they'd be wiped from the face of the earth, their fields plowed with salt and their players and trophies returned to Washington to make up for Calvin Griffith. The world's not just -- as proven by the fact that the Sports Turf Managers Association gives out an award named after the Twins' now retired cheater in chief -- but that didn't stop the Nats' own golem from exacting a little bit of justice from those almost-Canadian-accent-having bastards.

A bit of friendly advice: dude, settle down. This kind of cri de coeur -- and it's not the first one we've seen over at teh 320 -- is ultimately pointless. Screech's Best Friend (if that is his real name) takes criticism of his favorite team very seriously; far more seriously than it could possibly deserve. Is his point that negativity (the kind of negativity that can only be detected in legions of venomous strawmen) is damaging to the Nationals as a franchise? When Needham says they're cheap, or I say that they're exploiting rabbinic wisdom to win some ball games, does life imitate art? Can our criticisms actually affect the business in a negative way? No, of course not. That's silly -- both factually impossible and indicative of a seductive kind of bloggy arrogance. The idea that anything any of us says has any bearing on anything is preposterous.

So if it's not arrogance, we're left with a fan who's just generally annoyed that everyone's not on the bandwagon along with him. And that's exactly the kind of sentiment that holds up so poorly to scrutiny that one must be careful not to mention of the offenders by name, lest one get called on it.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

The thing that totally creeped me out over at 320 (whom I usually find really funny, even when I don't agree with him) is what seems to be the pervading thought within the post and comments: that we shouldn't criticize the team because we should be so grateful to have baseball back. Like, you don't love your team if you question anything. And it reminds me of the very worst kind of patriotism. Our Country Right or Wrong and if you dare say it's wrong, you hate freedom. Well, (especially in baseball), it's not a "love 'em or leave 'em" scenario. I don't love the Nats any less because I think Bowden's an idiot, or because I want to wait to see results before I devote myself to Teh Plan. It's just frustrating to see a lack of awareness of this over there, coupled with (what seems to me) the fact that I just can't be as good a fan because OMG I once complained that the Lerners are cheap. SBF seems like a great guy, but just because he's optimistic about everything doesn't mean he has the lock on being the BEST. FAN. EVER. So, sorry to use your space to rant, I was afraid to do it over there, lest the hordes descend upon me to rip off my fingernails. With would definitely not please me.

Anonymous said...

"Screech's Best Friend" is really an alias for Stan Kasten. He just wears a cheerleading outfit and a wig for disguise.