Distinguished Senators, the Washington Nationals Blog That Is Great

Monday, June 04, 2007

It's Still A Pretty Impressive Managerial Feat

This is hard. I'm really trying here, but everything's working against me. The Nationals are bad but not so bad that it bears constant repeating. My new editorial stance is that maybe the people running things aren't hopeless buffoons, and I'm regretting it every time I sit down to write and find the tank where I keep my righteous indignation empty.

I've always tried to use the crappiness of our favorite team as a way to explain the mysteries and tragedies of the human condition -- I'm sure you were already aware of that. But I think I ran out. I watched that game on Sunday. David Wells jokes are always fun, and that sure was a big ol' dinger Dutch hit, but the most profound thing I could think of was, "Huh. Sure is wet."

I had this whole thing worked out where I was going to explain that Levale Speigner was a golem whipped up by a master rabbi in the front office (instructions here). Check this out: just as the golem is animated by the word of power inscribed on its forehead, so Speigner's pitching ability came from the kabbalistic power of his made-up name. It's got something to do with the Tetragrammaton, I think. I'm kind of out of my league here, to be frank.

Levale Speigner fields questions from reporters.
A golem is undone when he loses his word of power. For example, if it has "truth" on its forehead, erasing the first letter spells "dead," and that's it for the golem. That whole truth/dead thing works a lot better in Hebrew than it does in English, by the way. In the same way, my actual reporting or at least fact-checking that revealed the mystical power behind Speigner's name ruined the poor automaton's ability to pitch.

Speigner is beloved throughout the area for his community service.

The facts back this up. My post coincided with "Levale's" first disaster start, and he hasn't had anything but since then. I had unwittingly erased his word of power.

Speigner confers with pitching coach Randy St. Claire.

But ultimately I decided not to do the golem thing because it was pretty stupid.


Harper said...

But if we remove the first letter from Truth, Levale would beceom a great power hitter!

DM said...

This one's gonna confuse the hell out of Barry.