Of Course Sometimes

An argument for the designated hitter is that no one wants to watch pitchers bat. We pay to see the best in the world doing the things at which they are best.

I've never agreed with this. Seeing the best do something at which they are not the best is not only entertaining in its own right; it makes the people who are the best at it seem even more impressive.

And, of course, sometimes the pitcher succeeds.

I missed most of Sunday's 16-inning win against the Twins, but I got to see Óliver Pérez, pitcher, shock the world and Minnesota by laying down a two out drag bunt, which the Twins fumbled into a tie game.

Chris Heisey won the game a little later with a homer, but that's not as it interesting, is it? He's supposed to do that. Pérez doing an Ichiro impersonation is something that's going to stick with you.

Sunday's marathon completed a sweep of the Twins. The Nationals again have the best record in baseball, and they're off to their best start ever. The race is - remains - over.

Is it a problem so far in the season, the Nats have had to play only the worst teams in baseball? Nah.

If the Nats win 75% of their games against bad teams (and they do!), they can win half (or, depending on your perspective, lose half) the time against good teams and be fine.

Then the playoffs come along and all they need is to be just the tiniest bit above .500. No problem.

Enhancement Talent

The Braves are a sad sight that we can now put behind us for a while. They're a lousy team, they're not trying, and they're about to pull off an awfully cynical relocation, but it was a hard-fought series nonetheless.

It's nothing to worry about. You don't want to be averaging three and a half runs a game, but the wins are the only thing that carries forward. The details of the performance are not predictive.

Our returning heroes (minus one center fielder) open the home schedule against the Miami Marlins, who were a real pain last year.

They had a 71-91 record, but managed 9-10 against the Nats, which is pretty good for a team that's not trying any harder than Atlanta. They had a couple guys in particular who made every game a trial.

First baseman Justin Bour looks like the first guy in your middle school who had a mustache, and he bullied the Nats like he was a couple years ahead of us, hormonally-speaking. He "slashed" MVP numbers against Washington (327/417/558), and I instinctively pulled my underwear out of my ass whenever I saw his face on the Jumbotron.

"Why are you hitting yourself, huh? You better not tell the assistant principal about this."

On the other end of the spectrum in every way imaginable is Ichiro, who's carrying on the baseball tradition that gave us Babe Ruth: Boston Brave, Ty Cobb: Philadelphia A, and Brad Wilkerson: Texas Ranger by playing out the string with Miami.

I say "playing" only our of respect to a baseball legend, because the scrawny bastard can't really play anymore. He hit .229 last year with what might actually have been negative power. Except that when he was up against my favorite team, he very nearly turned back into a real ballplayer - .286! Over 20% of his 2015 hits came against the Nats.

If you add up his MLB hits and his hits in Japan and throw in some spring trainings and extrapolate a couple full seasons against Washington, he's got to be damn near 5,000.

Minnie Churl

I checked to see if everything still sucks, and it does.

Is it churlish to be unhappy with merely winning a series rather than sweeping it? Maybe. I don't know. I'm comfortable with my churlishness. Call me Churlie Hustle. Churl Haggard. Churles the Second, by the Grace of God, King of England, Scotland, France and Ireland, Defender of the Faith, etc.

What's going to happen now is that the damn Mets are going to stroll into Coors Field like they own the place, and then will proceed to own the place.

The Nationals, meanwhile, seem likely to take one of three at home from the Brewers.

If I sound pessimistic, it's only because everything sucks, up to and including my favorite baseball team.

It sounds like Ichiro is going to return to the Marlins next year.

That led me to reflect on how it sure seems like Ichiro is terrible now except when he's playing the Nats. I was relieved to discover that the statistics back up my impression.

Ichiro is hitting .262 overall, .245 against not the Nats, and a pretty impressive .394 against Washington.

So here's to the Nats for geting us closer to lots of discussions about whether Ichiro has more hits than Pete Rose. The answer to that question, by the way, is and will continue to be "No."