Admiral Ackbar's defunct

The guy who played Admiral Ackbar died, and it reminded me of why I don't like listening to Bob Carpenter.

Why do we all know who Admiral Ackbar is? He's not the hero, and he's not vital to the story. The neat thing about Star Wars is that provokes obsessive attention, and that attention is rewarded. There are constant references to interesting stories that you're not seeing.

In this case, you're watching Return of the Jedi and all of a sudden there's this fishman in a Nehru jacket barking orders and arguing with Lando, and you know there's some kind of rad backstory.

I like that kind of thing. The Warriors is one of my favorite movies because it takes place in a world where the titular Warriors are pursued by factions who aren't any less interesting than they are. Why do the Baseball Furies paint their faces? Where did the Turnbull ACs get that bus? Why is there a radio station that exists to broadcast messages to street gangs, and who is the programming director?

I always wanted to know more about these guys.

You always have the impression that the story is unfolding in a real world, that things are going on elsewhere. The other characters do not exist merely to interact with the protagonists.

The problem (one of the problems) with Bob Carpenter is that his narrative does extend beyond the Nationals. For him, every game is either "Nationals vs Opponent" or "Nationals at Opponent."

How much time does it take to learn everything you need to know about these 30 people?  I don't know the answer exactly, but it happens before the end of game 162.

Meanwhile, you've got Orphans and Rogues and Sallustans and all kinds of other interesting people over in the other dugout. A good play-by-play man could fill up a lot of airtime telling us their stories.

Things That Don't Matter

"Example is the school of mankind, and they will learn at no other." - Edmund Burke

Which is to say that if you replace Jordan Zimmerman with Drew Storen in the ninth inning with a one run lead and Storen then blows the lead once, you should learn that you shouldn't replace Jordan Zimmermann with Drew Storen in the ninth inning with a one run lead a second time.

I think a chimpanzee could learn this. I'm sure Bud Black could. Davey Johnson probably knew it already.

I don't want to dwell on that right now, though. I want to complain about things that don't matter.

After four innings in Wednesday's game, the Nationals were getting carved up by Shelby Miller, while Jordan Zimmerman was somehow preventing the Braves from scoring. Bob Carpenter was treating these performances as if they were equal.

Heading into the commercial break he said (more or less; I'm going with the Thucydides method of quoting people here), "Two pitchers being very efficient in what they're doing."

At that point, Zimmermann had thrown 61 pitches, five of which were turned into hits. Miller was at 49 pitches and one hit. One of them was definitely being efficient.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining about Zimmermann's results. He was getting the job done, and he was even better from that point until some idiot took him out of the game (he got through the fifth on maybe four pitches, which prompted F.P. to start singing "Smooth Operator").

Carpenter wanted to say something good about Zimmermann, but the tiny, underused part of his brain that is aware of the other team told him that the other guy was better at what he was complimenting Zimmermann for, so he just lumped them together.

I guess what bothers me about Carpenter is that he basically doesn't acknowledge the other team - everything is chalked up to the Nats doing good or the Nats doing bad.

 Actually, a more accurate Bob Carpenter rating system would go something like:

1. NATS ARE AMAZING
2. Nats do GREAT
3. Nats do good
4. Nats do their best
5. Nats do bad

It's not evenly distributed - if you graphed it, it was peak at 2, and you only hear 5 a couple times a week.

Even beyond the homerism, Carpenter's reluctance to admit that there is another baseball team playing the baseball game makes the broadcast boring. I mean, I know the Nats. I watch them all the time. Let's hear something about the guys who aren't on my TV every night. Stay up late and watch a Dodgers game, Carp. Vin Scully can make even a visit from the Diamondbacks interesting.

It's tough, you know? I get all excited because the Nats are coming on, and then I hear that MASN music and get triggered because that's when it hits me that I'm going to have to listen to stupid crap for three hours.