Frank and Bobby

We here at Distinguished Senators (and by "we" I mean me and Professor Bacon) would like to congratulate Atlanta manager Bobby Cox on winning the National League Manager of the Year. Atlanteans may not appreciate him, but me and the Professor have the utmost respect for the excellence Cox brings year after year, and that respect has only increased after watching our own Frank Robinson stomp his way through a season like he's Godzilla (i.e., crushing Japanese people). So I thought this would be a good time to compare and contrast the two managers. Please pardon the hideousness of the columns; I'm from the humanities.

Managerial record: 2092-1603 Manager of the Year Awards: 4 World Series winner (he may have lost a couple, too) Addiction: smoking Tootsie Rolls Always looked just like this Stuck with rookie Kelly Johnson after 0 for 12 start Respected by players Uses endless, neurotic rocking of Leo Mazzone to stay awake Career homers: 9 Got rid of Bruce Chen Never actually convicted of beating his wife Sidelines as baseball coach at Oklahoma Baptist University Possibly greatest manager in the history of baseball

Managerial record: 994-1085 Manager of the Year Awards: 0 Presidential Medal of Freedom winner Addiction: golf Used to have hilarious moustache Benched rookie Brendan Harris after 3 for 9 start Respected by Tom Boswell Doesn't stay awake Career homers: 586 Got rid of Tomo Ohka and Sunny Kim Never even accused of beating Bobby Cox's wife Sidelines as mini-marathon runner Almost definitely greatest manager in the history of the 2005 Nationals

And now, to honor the other Manager of the Year winner, four rad things about Ozzie Guillen:

• He hires people to murder chickens for good luck -- just like Pedro Cerrano!
• When getting Bobby Jenks out of the bullpen, he makes the universal arm gesture for "big fat guy."
  
• He's willing to lively up a dull day with a swear- and threat-laced rant. Watch out, Magglio Ordonez, you made yourself a big enemy!

  "He's a piece of [bleep]," Guillen said. "He's another Venezuelan [bleep]. [Bleep] him. He thinks he's got an enemy? No, he's got a big one. He knows I can [bleep] him over in a lot of different ways.

  "He better shut the [bleep] up and just play for the Detroit Tigers. Why do I have to go over and even apologize to him? Who the [bleep] is Magglio Ordonez? What did he ever do for me? He didn't do [bleep] for me. But he said I'm his enemy -- he knows me. Tell him he knows me, and he can take it how he wants to take it.

  "Did he play good for me? Yes, he did. Did he play hard for me? Yes, he did. He might like me. He might be sensitive of me. He might be jealous of me, I don't know why. But saying I'm his enemy, he hates me, I could care less what that [bleep] thinks. I don't give a [bleep] what he does with the rest of his life. He [bleep] with the wrong guy, and he knows that, too. He knows for a fact that he [bleep] with the wrong people.''

• But beneath the pissed-off, barely intelligible exterior, he's all about the love.