He Better Soup Up That Segway

The bear ate Jose Rijo and now it's only getting faster.

A federal investigation into the skimming of signing bonuses given to baseball prospects from Latin America is looking at Washington Nationals general manager Jim Bowden as far back as 1994, when he was GM of the Cincinnati Reds, according to a baseball executive familiar with the investigation.

This is a pretty big deal. As far as I know, it's the first time the verb between "FBI" and "Jim Bowden" has been "investigate" rather than "question." Bodes' position seemed to be that of an innocent enabler; a bumbling, ass-headed dupe like Stan Kasten rather than an actual perpetrator. Also, you'd think that this has to be it for Bowden. Be honest - are you going to miss him?

Speaking of embarrassing Dominican Republic-related affairs that keep the Nats in the News, the Odalis Perez situation has been resolved.

Today, the Nationals released Perez, 31, terminating the waiting game that began almost two weeks ago when the left-hander decided not to report to camp. On Feb. 5, Perez had signed a non-guaranteed minor league contract with Washington, a deal that would pay him $850,000 if he made the club. But after Perez signed the deal, he regretted it. He held out for a better deal. He never reported to spring training. He cut off all contact with the team.

A couple notes here: First, I need to give a shout-out to Chico Harlan for holding it down at the Nationals Journal. He's been doing some great work, and it's pretty much the only place I go for the shameful parade of Nationals news. The second note, though, is that this is pretty poorly worded. Whether or not Perez "signed" that deal is important, to the extent that anything involving Odalis Perez and the Nats is important.

Jim Bowden says he did sign. Perez says he did not; he merely agreed to sign. The Players' Association has no record of any contract being signed. And even if that weren't the case, in a case of he said/he said, I tend to side with the he who is not under investigation by the federal government.

By the way, can someone look at this and tell me what the hell is going on?

This just in!

But behind the scenes, according to sources, some within the team's ownership group -- which includes Managing Principal Owner Theodore N. Lerner, seven principal owners and nine founding partners -- are eager to cut ties with the general manager they inherited almost three years ago, and see the investigation as a way of facilitating Bowden's exit. The Nationals, one source said, are encouraging the investigation to return an answer on Bowden so the parties can "go on their merry way."

OK, look: I'm done mocking Bowden. He's no longer our problem - he's done. My question is, what kind of vacillating, indifferent, spineless, moronic owners does this team have that they need a major, multi-national, FBI-investigated scandal to fire the GM? You nitwits should have fired this clown the very damn moment you got the team. It's not like you weren't warned. It's becoming ever clearer that Bowden isn't the biggest problem this franchise has - there's a much bigger roadblock made up of a bunch of rich subnormals who can't be fired.

Bowden has embarrassed this franchise in more ways than I can ever hope to remember at this point, but the slope-browed cavemen who own my favorite baseball team are, "according to sources," actually relieved that they were flim-flammed out of $1.4 million because it gives them an excuse to fire an underperforming, overembarrassing employee. It's not hard to dismiss someone, you Cro-Magnons. It's not the damn quest for fire. It's easy. Let me put it in terms you wall-painters can maybe understand: Man with tracksuit bad. Tell him go away. You real big stupids.

We'd just better hope that a black monolith lands at the ballpark pretty soon and finally teaches these evolutionary throwbacks how to hit things with a bone, or else we're in for a practical eternity of stupidity.

Pursued by a Bear

It's like they say - when you're being chased by bear, you don't have to outrun the bear; you just have to outrun Jose Rijo.

José Rijo, the Washington Nationals' front-office member linked most closely to the fraudulent signing of a Dominican prospect, has taken a leave of absence from the team.

I'm sure I'm not alone in hoping that this is only the beginning of an organization-wide purification by fire that claims thousands.

Above: Jim Bowden outrunning Jose Rijo. For now.

Meanwhile, Odalis Perez still isn't in camp, despite having allegedly agreement to don the W for another year. Perez was Washington's opening day starter last year. Maybe that says more about the Nationals than it does about Odalis, but it's something. He was . . . OK. League average, more or less, and that - thanks to the mysterious forces that control and occasionally destroy the economy - tends to be worth millions of dollars. It costs good money to keep Matt Chico off the mound.

Because of that, I was certainly surprised when he agreed to come back for a non-guaranteed 850 large. Odalis was apparently as surprised as I was, because as soon as he sobered up or got around to looking up the exchange rate with the Dominican peso or whatever, he decided that that kind of deal wasn't worth getting on a plane; he's staying home.

The reaction to this (at least among the tiny proportion of the population that is at all interested) is predictable and understandable. Plenty of fat jokes, shots at Perez' ability, and plenty of possibly overdone enthusiasm about this year's crop of Young Pitchers of teh Future. Nothing wrong with any of that. After all, it's a matter of public record that Odalis is a dick.

He stopped his O's 45's program, in which he bought 45 tickets for inner-city school children to attend his starts, after losing his starting job. He said he would not reinstate the program now that he is starting again because he felt he never got enough credit from the club or the public for his charitable contributions.

Also, Jim Bowden claims that Perez has actually signed a contract. Jim Bowden also claimed that Smiley Gonzalez was worth $1.4 million and that Aaron Crow was too expensive, but maybe he's right this time. If that's the case, then yes, Odalis Perez should absolutely get his ass out of bed and come to camp.

If it's not, though - and when we're figuring the odds of the Nats being wrong about this, we have to adjust for the indefensible, franchise-destroying incompetence we've seen from time to time - I certainly don't blame Perez for reconsidering a cut-rate contract with the worst team in baseball. I'm not going to make a moral argument for backing out of an agreement, even if it's an unofficial, "engaged to be engaged" kind of situation. Haven't we all had momentary lapses in judgment that have haunted us for years? Deciding to start a blog, for instance? Wouldn't we like the chance to take it back?

At any rate, my advice to Perez is to grow a goatee, forge Johan Santana's driver's license, and come back to the negotiating table. The Nats have proven themselves vulnerable to that kind of bargaining ploy.