Ha Ha! A Shovel!

Apparently the way to spark discussion is just to make up some trade possibilities. See the comments to yesterday's post for some interesting stuff, but please ignore the parts where I can't figure out how Dugout Dollars works.

The Washington Post is reporting that Orioles Vice President Jim Beattie is a whiny little wuss.

Hoping to land a premier starting pitcher and a middle-of-the-lineup bat through free agency or a trade, Orioles Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations Jim Beattie said the uncertainty of the financial effect the Nationals will have on the Orioles has caused the franchise to be outbid for players. Without an agreement with MLB on a compensation package, the Orioles are unsure how much they can spend.

I'm not the first to call "bullcrap" on that one, but I'll do it anyway. Bullcrap! Here's what happened to the Orioles. They targeted some players (Carl Pavano, Carlos Delgado, basically anyone named "Carl" or "Carlos" or "Charles" or "Karolus"), the market went nuts, and they got outbid. There's no shame in that, and I think the O's are having a good offseason simply by avoiding any Russ Ortiz-type contracts. Whether that's by luck or design depends on whom you ask, but if it's the former, it's a real shame that Beattie has to come up with such a lame excuse for doing something intelligent. If it actually is D.C.'s fault that the Orioles didn't get the chance to spend $10 million a year on Carl Pavano, then you're welcome, Baltimore. Don't mention it.

It's time to introduce a new feature here at Distinguished Senators. As you may recall, Dayn Perry recently attained an exhalted place on my shit list on account of a lazy list-instead-of-a-column for Baseball Prospectus in which he wished "that things in D.C., generally speaking, go horribly wrong for the Nationals." I did some looking around and discovered that Dayn also writes a whole bunch of crap for FoxSports.com, and man does he embarrass himself. Go check it out - it's a priceless treasury of humiliation and self-loathing. Imagine you picked a fight with a guy in a bar, but it was dark so you didn't get a good look at him. So you go outside to take care of business, a little nervous in case you're about to tangle with Ivan Drago or someone, and you discover it's Woody Allen. If you were a better man, you'd walk away and not take advantage of the easy butt-whipping you were in a position to dispense. Well, I'm not a better man, and I plan on doing to this jackass what he publicly fantasizes about doing to Eva Mendes, whoever that is. I guess that's the kind of think you miss when you don't read Maxim. Anyway, it's my pleasure to bring you . . .

Great Moments in Sports Journalism with Dayn Perry!
Today's entry is from a few weeks ago, back during L'Affair Cropp. Dayn comments,

Weekly Shovel-Head Award: This week's dose of blunt-force trauma goes to MLB toady Bob DuPuy, who feigned shock and outage, when D.C. city leaders dared (dared!) to mandate that MLB pay for at least half the cost of the new stadium to be built in Washington. Cretin. It's not the public's obligation to spend hundreds of millions of dollars toward building you a place to do business. Get some integrity, pay your own way. It's either that, or I bludgeon you with a shovel. [emphasis mine]

Of course, anyone who was paying attention knows that Linda Cropp's infamous amendment demanded nothing of the sort. Nothing like calling someone else a cretin - and threatening cranial assault in an edgy, FoxSports-like manner - when you have no idea what you're talking about. We'll be back tomorrow with some really creepy stuff.