Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Objection

So, now everyone from coast to coast knows what I've been saying since he was first handed the keys -- Jim Bowden is very, very bad at his job. This vindication, unfortunately, comes at an incalculable cost to my favorite baseball team. Does it make me a bad person that I don't care? I figure this is more entertaining than anything the Nats are actually going to do during the season. Bodes getting rid of Wilkerson sent me over the edge, man, and now I don't care about nothing. I just want to see it all burn.

Naturally, I'm hoping Bowden employs the little-used Disqualified List and that Soriano spends enough time on it to prevent him from reaching free agency. Mainly I'm looking forward to next year's arbitration hearing.

Bodes: As you can see on this handy chart, your honor, after averaging 39 home runs and hitting .280 over the previous five years, Fonzie contributed 0 home runs last year and hit .000.
Arbitratorer: Hmm, yes. Very damning. Hmm. Mr. Agent?
Agent: Your majesty, not only has Mr. Bowden made a mockery of this proceding by wearing a shiny tracksuit in the courtroom --
Bodes: OBJECTION! I look hella fly, yo!
Arbitratorer: Overruled. Hmm. You look like a damn idiot.
Agent: . . . he is twisting the facts. Look at Mr. Soriano's defense: from 21 errors in 2005 to none in 2006.
Arbitratorer: Hmm. I heard Joe Morgan say defense wins championships. The defendant is awarded $30 million and gets to play anywhere he wants. I have spoken!
Gavel: Bang!

Does Soriano deserve our sympathy? I can state without hesitation that he doesn't deserve a 600 word apologia, so I guess my answer would be no. Maybe even "hell no." But if sympathy for the devil is what it's going to take to keep us all focused on the real culprit here, the one who's actually destroying our team, then sure. Send him a card with a little bunny on it or a shiny bauble to lift his spirits. Just make sure you're burning effigies of Bowden while you do it.

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