Doug's Dingers

The Cardinals had no difficulty with Doug Fister last night. Imagine my surprise when Doug himself stopped by to share some exciting news with us, news that partially explains last night's game.

"Hi, Nats fans. This is Doug Fister from your Washington Nationals. I've always thought it was important to give back to the community and to give back to the game. That's why I've started Doug's Dingers, a charity dedicated to providing home runs to the tragically underdingered.

It's easy to forget about the tiny infielders who field our ground balls and carry our luggage onto the charter, but they're just as important to baseball as anyone! Doug's Dingers is all about recognizing the little guys. It can be something as small as remembering their names or as big as grooving one for them in the first inning.

But enough from me! Let's hear from the real heroes. I call them Doug's Dudes."

"Hi everyone! This is Kolten Wong! From Hawaii! I really can't hit at all, but thanks to Doug's Dingers, I have a home run!

Hello big arbitration award and goodbye to sleeping in a drawer at Matt Holliday's house!

Thanks, Doug!"

"Ha ha! No problem, Kolten. Any time.

Kolten Wong is exactly the kind of heartbreakingly underpowered ballplayer we're trying to help here at Doug's Dingers.

Let's hear from another Doug's Dude, Matt Carpenter. How have I helped you, lil' fella?"

"What? I mean, for one thing, I'm 6'3". Plus I'm awesome at baseball. What kind of charity is this?"

"Come on, Matt! Tell the people how thanks to Doug's Dingers, you no longer have to tell groupies that you're Chris Carpenter's little brother."

"Or Bob Carpenter's."

"Gross!"