Such Luminaries

Let's check in on some former Nationals, even though nobody's played hardly any baseball yet!

Jordan Zimmermann made the most of the one game he got to play, pitching seven scoreless innings for the Tigers. Also, it was cold but he didn't wear long sleeves because he's from Minnesota or Wisconsin or Manitoba or somewhere like that.

Ian Desmond has been playing (badly) every day in the outfield for Texas - he even got a couple starts in center. Should the Nats have kept him? Nah. There's only room for one .100-hitting outfielder at Nats Park!

Doug Fister's debut for Houston saw him pitch five kinda-lousy innings to get the win. He anointed a new Doug's Dude in Milwaukee second baseman Scooter Gennett, who was obviously hungover on photo day.

Someone get this poor man a Bloody Mary STAT!

Drew Storen picked up with the Blue Jays right where he left off in Washington! He lost out on the closer position, and with a 7.71 ERA over three appearances, he's not about to win it now. I mean, Papelbon's a pretty hateable guy, and I wouldn't be surprised if this is the year his pitches stop working, but the Nats clearly got rid of the correct closer.

Livan "¡Livan!" Hernandez is returning to Cuba to play golf with his brother. They'll be joined by such luminaries as Luis Castillo and Rey Ordoñez at a charity golf tournament in May. Also, he bought a giant dog to protect his house, so don't get any ideas while he's out of town.

I can't tell if this is an artist's impression of Livan and his brother in golf attire or a photo of Livan and his brother in golf attire.

I couldn't find anything about Austin Kearns.

The Clutch of Life and the Fist of Love

I've been reflecting on those we lost in the offseason, and I think Doug Fister is the only one I miss.

"This is Doug Fister reminding you on behalf of my good friends at PepsiCo to stay hydrated this season. Together, we can pitch a shutout against thirst!

What? No, I don't know whose hand that is."

This is going back to 2013, but that was such a nifty trade! The Nats gave up a couple relief pitchers, one of whom might have been useful but whatever. They also sent along one of those inexplicable fan favorites, which speaks well to the organization's character.

Steve Lombardozzi isn't really a major league player, but people loved him. He played all the positions, and you could call him "Lombo" - maybe that's all it takes to develop a cult following. He was well on his way to becoming our own Super Joe McEwing, and the fact that the Nats thought as little of him as he was worth is a good sign.

The Tigers were roundly mocked at the time for giving up Fister for so little. Hell, they only held on to one of those dudes, and it wasn't even the good one. It turns out that one of the main things that determines that I'm going to really like a ballplayer is if my team ripped another team to get him, and that's certainly the case here.

The Nats got one really good year out of Fister, and then I got a really good year out of Fister, and then they let him go to Houston because he couldn't pitch any more.

And that's how you run a ball club. Neither end of Fister's tenure with the Nationals was a franchise-altering masterstroke, but the whole episode evinces a reassuring competence.

Dead Pledge

This is what four months of charity gets you? They sent Doug Fister to the bullpen.

I don't get it. If Fister's pitching badly enough that you don't want him in the rotation, why do you want him in the bullpen? That's not what a bullpen is for.

This isn't the 1950s. You don't just use dudes who aren't good enough to start in relief. Fister wasn't struggling because because he was running out of gas; he was struggling because his sinker didn't sink. He usually doesn't stay in the game long enough to run out of gas.

He's exactly the kind of pitcher who is not going to thrive as a reliever.

The bright side is that Joe Ross is staying in the rotation. I'm a big fan. Joe Ross strikes out everyone and doesn't give a damn about their feelings. Based on his performance so far, the Nats have already won the Steven Sousa trade.

This being the Nats, even the bright side has a dark side. It sure sounds like Nats management, not having learned the most obvious lesson of the team's last four years, is going to put Ross on some kind of cretin innings limit and make him stop pitching.

Using the 25-30 percent concept as a guideline, Ross’ cap could be somewhere around 153 innings (a 25 percent increase) and 159 innings (a 30 percent increase). And if Ross is averaging about 6.5 innings per start so far in the majors, he could have about five (conservative) to seven starts left in the season. In other words, about the rest of the month.

Yeah yeah developing pitchers young arms blah blah blah whatever. Are you people trying to win? This season is what matters. Maybe you don't mortgage everything to go for it this year, but mortgage something. If this means pushing Joe Ross to the point that he has a 2% higher chance of blowing out his arm in three years, do it.

This isn't the time to play the long game. It's time for the short game. Work on your putting. We're in minigolf territory here. Watch out for the windmill.

So what exactly is the argument against starting Clint Robinson in left field against righties? Well, what's an argument that doesn't include "veteran" or "$21 million" or "I'm afraid Jayson's going to come after me with a shiv made of pressed-together newspaper and prison oatmeal."

Or a sock and an Altoids tin

First Loser

Why are all these terrible things happening to me? I try to be a good person. Like halfwit LA rackets kingpin Mickey Cohen, I have killed no men that in the first place didn't deserve killing.

The example I try to live up to.

You're not always rewarded for doing the right thing. Mickey Cohen went to prison and got brained with a lead pipe. And here I am looking at the blue, orange, and undeserving hindquarters of the New York Mets.

The Nationals' view

Matt Williams put in another masterpiece of bad managing last night. Doug Fister went into a frenzy of charity, anointing three new Doug's Dudes. (Honestly, that homer to Nick Ahmed is probably worthy of a whole Doug's Dingers post, but I'm all out of jokes about that.) After five, Fister was clearly done, but Williams sent him out to hit anyway. I don't know why Williams hates taking pitchers out of the game, but he's awfully reluctant to do it even when everyone knows it needs to be done. Cf. Joe Ross on Saturday.

Still, a good manager wouldn't have won that game. Even if you take out Doug Fister at the exact right time (i.e., while he's warming up), you don't win if you don't score.

I'm starting to think that acquiring a closer who never gets to close didn't solve all the Nats' problems.

Meanwhile, Yoenis Cespedes, whom the Nats should have at least attempted to get, drove in four runs as the Mets - who seem to be some kind of idiot team of idiot destiny - romped all over the Marlins.

Results

Hey there, baseball fans. Doug Fister from your Washington Nationals here with an update on the Doug's Dingers program.

You know, there are a lot of charities out there, and they're not all equal. You've heard the stories about so-called charitable groups that keep all the money for themselves and don't get anything done. That's hard to forgive - I don't even think making The Score makes up for it!

You don't have to worry about that with Doug's Dingers, a tax-exempt 501(c)(3) organization. Doug's Dingers gets results!

Juan Uribe and Kelly Johnson were toiling in obscurity, which is to say Atlanta. Everyone had forgotten about Uribe, and people thought Johnson was a chick. I know I did!

But look what happened - two patented Doug's Dingers later, and suddenly both of my dudes get acquired by the Mets. Now they have something to play for, and that's what I call results.

People thought I was crazy to intentionally give up home runs to players who weren't very good. Or at least unethical. But when I see the faces of these Doug's Dudes when they get the good news that, thanks in part to me grooving a fastball right down the middle to them, they're back in the playoff hunt - well that, makes it all worth it.

Speaking of those Mets, they just picked up my old buddy Tyler Clippard. They're really going for it up there, huh? Makes me wish I could give up a homer to myself!

Untitled #674

From time to time, we've been joined here at Distinguished Senators by outside commentators. This isn't just a space for my lovable voice and insightful insights. We've been enlightened here by William Blake, who told us about Screech. By Origen, who possibly overrated Ryan Church a little bit. And even by Doug Fister, who's been kind enough to keep us up to date on his charity work.

Today we're joined by Steve Kilbey of the Church, who perfectly sums up the Nationals' current predicament.

The enemy seeks our dissolution
All he needs is a little push


The Mets are making that push. They're losing slightly less often than the Nats are. They made a move, acquiring Juan Uribe and Kelly Johnson (both Doug's Dudes!). Uribe already won a game for them. They're not done, either: They're trying to get an outfielder - possibly an Upton.

The Nationals, meanwhile? Nah. We're fine, thanks.

Maybe you saw the rumor about Jonathon Papelbon. That's not going to happen. But if you heard about it, that means there's a possibility that you might think that they're not just standing pat. They are.

Nats GM Mike Rizzo did a radio interview last week and dropped some hints that he's not doing a damn thing. "We will certainly be looking but I don't know how active we'll be."

Don't just do something - stand there!

"There's no trade I could make that could be as good as the guys we're getting back [from the DL]."

He can't actually believe that, right? Yeah, getting Rendon back is good news, but are we still trying to convince ourselves that getting Werth and Zimmerman back changes anything other than the specific reasons that the lineup sucks?

The Nats aren't quite good enough, the man in charge of fixing that doesn't seem to realize it's true.

Where are they now? 

• Steve Kilbey and the Church will be appearing at the Fillmore in Silver Spring along with the Psychedelic Furs on Sunday, August 9th. Tickets are available. 
• Origen and William Blake are still dead. 
• Doug Fister will probably have a blog post up tomorrow.

A Special All Star Message

Hi, folks. Doug Fister here, from your Washington Nationals.

I hope you're enjoying the All Star Break! I tell ya, it's the most exciting time of the year, assuming you don't like to watch baseball games.

I'm certainly enjoying the time off. Oh, they wanted me there. My phone was blowing up with texts from Bochy. "cn u pich 4 nl pls?!" Sorry, Bruce. I was honored, but I didn't want to detract from what Harp and Sherz  were doing over there. Let's get that spotlight off Doug for a few days, huh?

Seriously, though, folks, I think it's important to take a moment to think about all the guys who aren't All Stars, the fellas who missed out on all the festivities in Cincinnati not because they're too busy with charity work but because they just aren't very good.

Some call them scrubs or jobbers or enhancement talent. I call them . . . Doug's Dudes.

All season long, I've been doing my part to help out underappreciated ballplayers by letting them hit homers off me. I mean, anyone can give up a long one to Todd Frazier or Giancarlo Stanton. You really have to groove one to let Kolten Wong get his name in the paper.

I'm proud of what the Doug's Dingers program has achieved this year - eight home runs, and not one of them hit by an All Star.

There was Wong and Matt Carpenter, who really got the whole thing going. Joey Butler got one. Who's Joey Butler, you ask?

Exactly.

I hooked up Juan Uribe and A.J. Pierzynski, and they're so old they played for the White Sox the last time they won a World Series. I just skimmed Baseball Reference, and that was in 1917!

Derek Norris, Kelly Johnson, Cory Spangenberg - these are the dudes I do it for. They're Doug's Dudes.

Merciless

I'm relieved. Kicking the hell out of the Braves was a vital thing to do at this juncture. They were within two games, and when a lesser rival tries to impinge on your turf, you have to deal with it mercilessly.

I'm guessing Jayson Werth picked that up back in February and passed it on to the rest of the team.

Seriously, it could have been bad. What if we'd lost that series? Disaster.

There were good signs even aside from the wins. The starting pitchers, for example, broke some kind of made-up-ass record. It's not like anyone actually cares about the franchise record consecutive scoreless innings by starters, but this last turn through the rotation does show that what was supposed to be our strength might actually be as good as advertised.

• Fister? Back!
• Strasburg? Maybe back!
• Scherzer? Holy crap is Scherzer great. 
• A couple other guys? Yeah sure!

And they even scored seven runs Thursday with the B-team.

Which brings us to the gloomy part of the post. The team was as B-ish as it was because Bryce Harper and Anthony Rendon are hurting.

Rendon has a "little bit of an issue with the quad that he’s been playing with," no doubt ignoring his doctor's insistence that playing with it only makes it worse. Based on his injury history, we can expect to see Rendon back in time for Thanksgiving.

Harper is dealing with a similar issue. His leg hurts. This is worrisome, because frankly his legs haven't been doing a super great job of carrying him around lately. If they can't do that, what else are they good for?

Even if this particular quadriceps problem isn't a big deal, we're all expecting Harper to hurt himself for real at some point, right? This beautiful dream has to end sometime, and I don't think we're lucky enough that it'll wait until October.

Attrition

That was some road trip, huh? The Nationals blasted their way to the Pacific like a dyslexic William Tecumseh Sherman, and now they're a half a game out of first.

As in any successful march to sea, there were casualties, and I'm actually kind of worried about this.

Jayson Werth got plunked on the wrist by fancifully-named bad pitcher Odrisamer Despaigne and hasn't played since. He was shockingly understanding about the HBP for a guy who just got out of prison. I was expecting the old broken-lunch-tray-to-the-throat.

We're not losing much with Werth out (especially if that contract is appropriately insured). Werth being out bothers me only as a matter of depth. Getting Babyhead Taylor in there every day is actually an improvement, but it makes the bench shorter and means we have to see Tyler Moore more than is ideal (i.e., at all even once).

Doug Fister, meanwhile, so exerted himself in his charitable endeavors that he has "tightness" in his "forearm," which all too often translates into "surgery" in his "Tommy John."

This is a problem. We were supposed to get The Rotation of Five Aces (Under a Definition of "Ace" Expansive Enough to Include Gio Gonzalez). What we actually have is One Ace (Scherzer is so awesome. He's like the Bryce Harper of baseball players) and four guys who might be hurt and whose velocity is down and who just generally aren't as good as they were supposed to be.

We're holding steady for now, but what happens when three of these guys go on the DL and one of the survivors is Gio Gonzalez and there's no one left in the bullpen because they're all starting?

In other National League East news, the Marlins just got beat bad enough by the Braves that they fired their manager, Mike Redmond.

The Marlins seem to have realized that hiring an inexperienced, recently-retired player to manage your ballclub is not the best way to win a whole bunch of baseball games.

Why am I mentioning this in a blog about the Washington Nationals? Ha ha ha I can't imagine why!

These Days

Tuesday's game was very Nationalsy. It was the distillation of the Washington Nationals in These Times.

There were injuries, defensive screwups, and the inability of the players to make their bats contact baseballs in such a way that they (the players) were able to reach safely the bases strewn across the infield.

Mat Latos did it to us again. Mat Latos.

Big, booming offense wasn't part of the plan this year, I realize. When Mike Rizzo rolled this team, he put all the points could into Starting Pitching. The problem is that a starter can't do it on his own - even Kerry Wood in 1998 needed some help from his fielders, and Rizzo didn't put any points into Defense (or Constitution, Dexterity, or Charisma, for that matter).

When Defense lets down Starting Pitching, you need some kinda Offense. More, at any rate, than "One Run against Mat Latos" Offense.

The real star of the Washington Nationals in These Times, though, is manager Matt Williams, who should be fired. Or maybe demoted to AAA to work on his managing.

A good manager puts his players in situations where they are likely to succeed. A bad manager has Dan Uggla bunt. It's not entirely clear to me why Dan Uggla is hanging around this team, but I know it's not for bunting. His last sac bunt came in 2009, and that's still true even after Williams had him try it again, because it sure didn't work.

I also thought pinch-hitting with Doug Fister was pretty dopey, but I'm not going to act like I didn't squeal with delight when it worked. It's like the universe is rewarding him for all that charity work he's doing with Doug's Dingers.

UPDATE: Bob Carpenter just now, on Tom Koehler: "28 years of old..."

Looking Up

This is just going to keep happening, huh? Last night's Orioles game was more entertaining.

It wasn't free, either. We used to have two guys who were hitting, but Andrelton Simmons took care of Yunel Escobar, so we're down to one, and we're looking up at the Phillies.

So I guess we're just going to have to wait for tonight for the season to turn around. See you then.

"One second there, hoss. Before we wrap up, I want to introduce you all to the newest Doug's Dude.

Doug's Dingers is expanding its efforts to help guys who have chick names. Take a bow, Kelly Johnson!"

"Thanks for the dinger, Doug! So you guys have pretty much given up on catching the Mets at this point, huh?"

"Ha ha! You bet, Kelly. We're just terrible."

Doug's Dingers

The Cardinals had no difficulty with Doug Fister last night. Imagine my surprise when Doug himself stopped by to share some exciting news with us, news that partially explains last night's game.

"Hi, Nats fans. This is Doug Fister from your Washington Nationals. I've always thought it was important to give back to the community and to give back to the game. That's why I've started Doug's Dingers, a charity dedicated to providing home runs to the tragically underdingered.

It's easy to forget about the tiny infielders who field our ground balls and carry our luggage onto the charter, but they're just as important to baseball as anyone! Doug's Dingers is all about recognizing the little guys. It can be something as small as remembering their names or as big as grooving one for them in the first inning.

But enough from me! Let's hear from the real heroes. I call them Doug's Dudes."

"Hi everyone! This is Kolten Wong! From Hawaii! I really can't hit at all, but thanks to Doug's Dingers, I have a home run!

Hello big arbitration award and goodbye to sleeping in a drawer at Matt Holliday's house!

Thanks, Doug!"

"Ha ha! No problem, Kolten. Any time.

Kolten Wong is exactly the kind of heartbreakingly underpowered ballplayer we're trying to help here at Doug's Dingers.

Let's hear from another Doug's Dude, Matt Carpenter. How have I helped you, lil' fella?"

"What? I mean, for one thing, I'm 6'3". Plus I'm awesome at baseball. What kind of charity is this?"

"Come on, Matt! Tell the people how thanks to Doug's Dingers, you no longer have to tell groupies that you're Chris Carpenter's little brother."

"Or Bob Carpenter's."

"Gross!"