Greener

Stephen Strasburg's going to be sticking around for a while, and what a pleasant surprise that is.

I figured the combination of Scott Boras' advice and the Nationals' organizational whateverness when it came to Strasburg meant he was bound to go the way of the Zimmermann, but maybe the organization wasn't as whatevery as I thought.

I was influenced by the fact that the fans all seem to hate him. I get it, I guess. He's never been as good as we all hoped, and I suppose he comes off kind wienerish. But it's nice that the team is run by people smarter than those cheering for it.

It's more puzzling from the Strasburg/Boras end. Boras is infamous for making sure his clients see free agency. Why does he do this? As bank robber Willie Sutton allegedly but probably didn't say when asked why he robbed banks, "That's where the money is."

What changed this time? For the answer to this question, we go to another fake quotation: I assume that at some point in the 1970s Tommy John said, "My arm hurts." Then he had his eponymous surgery, which we've learned can extend the careers but dampen the earning potential of major league pitchers.

That's my guess. You can feel free to chalk it up to Strasburg's fondness for the organization or the area or even you personally, but I'm going with the idea that unconventional placement of his ligaments makes him less inclined to gamble on free agency. All that deferred money that wasn't good enough for Jason Heyward or Yoenis Cespedes looks greener when you've got a time bomb in your arm.

I'm a fan of the extension (it ain't my money), and I especially like how it widens the Nats competitive window. When Max Scherzer signed on, I figured we had two years, and I based that on the assumption that Strasburg wasn't sticking around any longer than he had to. You can see why I was so upset when Year One was ruined by the Three Stooges.

I'm still upset by that, but now we have extra years. Stephen Strasburg is going to be our #2 starter for at least three more years, and all our foes envy our good fortune.

Drive Like a Demon from Station to Station

The Nationals pulled off some North American free trade in January. Remember Drew Storen? Not our problem any more. He's a Blue Jay now. Let Trudeau worry about him.

We got Ben Revere, who, according to various advanced metrics I won't be sharing here, will be at least useful.

Is he the solution to our outfield challenges? He can't do everything to fix our woes, obviously - it would take an MVP performance from Jayson Werth's parole officer to do that - but he should help.

I'm second to none in my affection for and mockery of the tiny-headedness of Michael A. Taylor, but the dude's a born fourth outfielder. The Nats know this - did you see some of the cockamamie schemes they were devising to keep Taylor from being the starting center fielder? I'm glad we didn't have the wherewithal to pay Yoenis Cespedes. They actually would have made him stand in center every day.

So now we have Ben Revere, and this could wind up being a lot of fun. Revere got on base over 35% of the time last year, and after I make my it's-not-1998-anymore adjustments, that turns out to be pretty good. Also, he completely runs like hell all the time. He stole exactly twice as many bases as any Nat last year, and that's always an entertaining dimension for a baseball club to have.

He might be lousy at defense. Opinions are mixed, and I guess we'll find out. Gotta be better than Cespedes, right?

The cost to pick up Revere was one Drew Storen. I'm glad to be rid of him for two reasons.

1. Drew Storen is a very good closer in laboratory conditions. He can get the job done as long as there aren't any loud noises or other relief pitchers with more saves than he has or Pete Kozma. As long as everyone sits quietly and believes in him really hard, he's an asset.

I don't have to tell Nats fans that a closer with those attributes is of limited utility. Maybe he'll thrive in the clinical environment of the Rogers Centre. Maybe he won't. I don't care.

2. Drew Storen reminds me of the human condition, which is depressing. I'm glad I don't have to look at him anymore.

Last year, I plagiarized the Oedipus to talk about Storen's situation, how he seemed to be in a pretty good place until it suddenly came crashing down around him. It was definitely more pretentious than it was edifying or amusing, but I meant every word of it.

Storen's breakdown was instructive, but it was also ominous, and I don't feel like being reminded of it every time the Nats have a lead in the ninth. I don't want Storen on my baseball team any more than I'd want Oedipus to be my king. I feel real sorry for the motherfuckers, but I have my own problems.

Some Stats

I was looking up some stats for some random players that don't have anything in common. It's one of the things I do to pass the time until the Nationals' season ends on October 4.

Gerardo Parra in August: 295/348/492, three homers, 130 OPS+

Yoenis Cespedes in August: 292/313/462, two homers, 111 OPS+

Ben Zobrist in August: 383/500/638, three homers, 12 walks, 213 OPS+

Michael Taylor in August: 230/266/361, 1 homer, twenty damn strikeouts, 72 OPS+

Leadoff hitter Jayson Werth in August: 125(!)/200(!)/229(!), 1 homer, 19 OPS+(!!!!!!!)

Jonathan Papelbon in August: Five innings

First Loser

Why are all these terrible things happening to me? I try to be a good person. Like halfwit LA rackets kingpin Mickey Cohen, I have killed no men that in the first place didn't deserve killing.

The example I try to live up to.

You're not always rewarded for doing the right thing. Mickey Cohen went to prison and got brained with a lead pipe. And here I am looking at the blue, orange, and undeserving hindquarters of the New York Mets.

The Nationals' view

Matt Williams put in another masterpiece of bad managing last night. Doug Fister went into a frenzy of charity, anointing three new Doug's Dudes. (Honestly, that homer to Nick Ahmed is probably worthy of a whole Doug's Dingers post, but I'm all out of jokes about that.) After five, Fister was clearly done, but Williams sent him out to hit anyway. I don't know why Williams hates taking pitchers out of the game, but he's awfully reluctant to do it even when everyone knows it needs to be done. Cf. Joe Ross on Saturday.

Still, a good manager wouldn't have won that game. Even if you take out Doug Fister at the exact right time (i.e., while he's warming up), you don't win if you don't score.

I'm starting to think that acquiring a closer who never gets to close didn't solve all the Nats' problems.

Meanwhile, Yoenis Cespedes, whom the Nats should have at least attempted to get, drove in four runs as the Mets - who seem to be some kind of idiot team of idiot destiny - romped all over the Marlins.

Want

The Tigers have given up, and that could be good news for the Nationals. They might be convinced to disgorge a Cuban for us.

I wanted Aroldis Chapman, but we got Jonathan Papelbon. That's fine, really. But while Papelbon solves one of the problems I wanted, I still have a hankering for:

• Outfield help
• A Cuban with an inexplicable first name

Well looky here - the Tigers just put Yoenis Cespedes on the block.

This has even less of a chance of happening than the Chapman thing. I mean, you can't disrespect a veteran like Jayson by acquiring someone who plays his position but way better than he does. It's not about winning the World Series; it's about respect.

Speaking of respect, Drew Storen is all pissed off because he's not closer anymore.

I'm not going to make fun of him. Of course he's angry. I would be too, were I in his position. No one blames Storen for wanting to be the closer.

But look, human society is, like, a huge unwieldy pile of every individual's preferences, and they're not all going to fit together. All these things need to be balanced against one another. No one gets everything he wants; some desires, as reasonable as they may be, can't be fulfilled.

Drew Storen's problem doesn't matter to anyone but Drew Storen. It is impossible to care.

Sorry, dude. Except that I'm not sorry. I can't even care that much. Just keep your head down and do your job and you'll get your eight million or whatever dollars next year.