What A Rush!

The season is winding down, and we're running out of time to make the case against the current management of the Nats. Fortunately, tonight's game against the Marlins gives us a perfect opportunity: how are we supposed to dig ourselves out of last place when we're out of starting pitchers? Again? Tonight it's Cy Young candidate Dontrelle Willis going up against . . . um . . . John Halama and Joey Eischen? Giant Jon Rauch? Pee Wee Majewski? Frank and Bodes are a veritable Legion of Doom, an unstoppable tag team that destroys everything in its way. And the Nationals were in their way.

A tattooed man representing the Nationals pitching staff is attacked by Frank "Animal" Robinson (left) and Jim "Hawk" Bowden in this commemorative trading card.

UPDATE! Jon Rauch gets the start. Good move, but I bet he gets yanked the first time he walks someone.

Meanwhile, the injuries continue to mount. It hardly matters any more, but there a couple of Nats whose grit and determination have gotten them unfair abuse from certain quarters. Brad Wilkerson has had a down year. Last year he hit 32 homers, posted a .374 OBP, and looked like he was ready to break out into . . . well, not stardom exactly, but something. 2005, however, has seen B-Wilk's power collapse (11 homers) and his OBP drop (.351). Some of this is due to the dimensions of RFK, but don't forget that Bluegrass has been dealing with an arm injury for most of the year.

Injuries have played a role in Wilkerson's inconsistency this year, as he has been playing with sore shoulders and a sore right forearm. . . .This year the injuries have forced him to swing one-handed. His left hand is often off the bat during his follow-through.

¡Livan!, formerly the official pitcher of Distinguished Senators, is in the same situation. His right knee has been hurting since May, and, according to Dr. Needham, has been drained of gooey frosting on more than one occasion. Two of our best players have had their production hurt by injuries. Rather than complaining about them, we should be praising both men for playing through the pain even at the cost of their stats.

Last week, I defended Barry Bonds. While I don't approve of cheating, I take satisfaction from Bonds' stiff-necked resolution in the face of pretty much everyone hating him. There are certain arguments I did not employ in my defense, however, because I'm not that idiot Will Carroll.

Once we get past the statistical racism and chemical McCarthyism that surrounds Bonds . . .

Yeah, that's right, Will. Anyone who disapproves of Bonds is a racist and a McCarthyite. Those aren't even arguments -- they're just what you say when you want the other person to shut up. It's nice that Will's layoff from blogging hasn't dulled his razor-sharp jackassery.

Having Been Swept

Given what's happened to the Nationals and Orioles lately, it would seem that someone, possibly a diabolical super villain, has spiked the region's water supply with Levoxyl. The similarities between the fates of the MASNmates are unfortunately numerous. Both have endured an improbably hot start followed by a pathetic, pants-wetting collapse; new acquisitions playing horribly and (we can only hope) getting GMs fired; and likeable second basemen playing meaningless late season games and suffering arm injuries likely to keep them out for six months.

And while the loss of Brian Roberts is certainly more damaging to the O's than that of Rick Short is to the Nats, Short's end of summer performance was one of approximately three bright spots at the end of this (maybe) last place season. There's also Hector Carrasco, who after nine years as a middling reliever was pressed into starter service by a Nats team that was fresh out of pitchers (hey, Sunny Kim pitched a shutout in Colorado on Saturday) and responded by not sucking. The biggest source of comfort, though, has been Dutch Zimmerman (named by an online journalist -- take that, Will Carroll!). He's been playing every day since Frank threw up his hands and started thinking about golf full time, and an 0-5 game yesterday brought his batting average down to .412. So he's doing pretty good.

But even these happy things remind us of the incompetence that got us where we are today. Our B-team lineup isn't much of a downgrade from the first squad Frank rolls out there when he's trying to win. This is most apparent at third and short, and what do those positions have in common? That's right, the left side of the infield is entirely Jim Bowden's doing. This was where he was going to impress the hell out of everybody with his free agent-signing acumen and get himself a real job. As it turned out, all $22 million got us was a couple of players quite neatly replaced by a 20-year-old rookie and a bad shortstop at a combined cost of well under a million bucks.

Then there's Frank. After a game in which Dutch got three of only five Nationals hits, Frank didn't feel like talking about his brilliant young third baseman.

"What is this? The daily Zimmerman report?" he asked sarcastically, then paused looking for his first one-liner of the day.

"He's a first-ballot Hall of Famer," Robinson said.

What an unpleasant old man.

He Is Despised and Rejected of Men

Did you have fun booing Barry Bonds? I hope so, because it's a win-win situation. You, the booer, get to enjoy a warm, tingly feeling of moral superiority and "Ooh, you got buuusted!" grade school schadenfreude. Bonds gets to enjoy a little extra satisfaction when he eviscerates your team and suggests that you can all shut the fuck up now.

He's an inspiration, and here's why: consider Barry's fellow offenders. Rafael Palmeiro decided he couldn't take the heat and packed it up and went home, leaving his team to play "a no-power sea lion who outweighs the Ravens offensive line" at first. Pothead Neanderthal Jason Giambi, after spending 2004 spring training lying about his noticeable weight loss ("No, dude, I was just like, working out, you know? Working out, dude"), gave a mewling, gutless sort-of apology, and he did that only after everybody found out he'd been using the substance he couldn't be bothered to mention while begging for forgiveness.

Barry Bonds, meanwhile, is one of those rare men who really doesn't care what others think of him. He could have taken the easy way out and continued rehabbing his knee over the off-season. Instead, he got back as quickly as possible to rejoin a team all but technically out of the playoff hunt so he could waddle around in left field and scare the hell out of pitchers. He didn't quit like Palmeiro or give a phony apology like Giambi; he took -- welcomed, in fact -- the heat. He has boundless fighting spirit and the kind of drive and determination that sportswriters seem to recognize only when it comes in short infielders who make the appropriate "aw, shucks" noises in front of the press.

So go ahead and boo. Call him Barroid, wave asterisks at him, whatever. You're only making him stronger.

Gonna Get Me a Post Link

Barry Svrluga's chat is happening, and if you link to it, you get a link on the Post site. Technorati, take me away!

Even A Blind Squirrel Can Find a Stopped Clock Twice a Day

There's no way we should have won that game. The Nationals ran out of starting pitchers and relied on the bullpen to go the whole nine innings for the second time in as many games. Nick Johnson, Rick Short, and Dutch Zimmerman weren't playing, while Cristian Guzman and Deivi Cruz were. But somehow it all worked out. Hector "Macho" Carrasco, who hasn't pitched three innings in a game all year, went four. Giant Jon Rauch pitched for the second time since May and struck out two. Cristian Guzman hit two doubles off a Hall of Fame pitcher.

The lesson is that even if you completely screw up, you can still catch the occasional break. It's a lesson Thomas Boswell still hasn't learned, if his column from Friday is any indication. It's a landmark piece, actually, whatever his faults. Boswell is king of the homers. He won a Ron Santo Award for his "golly gee whiz" assesment of Jim Bowden's personnel decisions, and that was all the way back in January. Since then, he's kissed ass, dismissed all criticism of the team (once by actually writing "blah blah blah"), and become known as the only person willing to defend Cristian Guzman, outlasting even Guzman's own bosses in that shameful last man standing contest. Now that the Nats aren't playing so good, he's changed his tune.

You can only play with injuries for so long, then come back quickly each time to hurt yourself anew. You can only feud with so many pitchers, then banish them to sundry distant cities. You can only make so many trades, hoping to keep postseason dreams alive a little longer, before some weakest link in the roster chain -- exposed by one trade too many -- is finally found.

If Boswell's seeing the problem, it must be obvious to everyone.

But his logic remains flawed. While he is (correctly) blaming Nats management for the team's sorry state, he can't help but remind how great Frank 'n' Bodes once were.

If the Nats use nine pitchers, each for one inning, against John Smoltz on Sunday, you can thank Robinson and Bowden. You thanked them for that 50-31 start and for meaningful games throughout the entire summer. You begged for it, didn't you? So, perhaps, considerable forgiveness is almost mandatory now.

So giving away Claudio Vargas and Sunny Kim was necessary to put us in first place? I'm not sure that makes sense.

Robinson's "frankness," some of it blistering, in motivating his players privately and in evaluating them publicly, helped drive a team that lost 95 games last season to first place on the Fourth of July. His demands and discipline also helped keep it playing beyond its talent and above its injuries until, past Labor Day, the unlikely Nats still found themselves in contention.

It's kind of amazing that Boz still believes in Robinson's motivational genius. Remember Frank's big move that was going to change attitudes and turn the season around? When he turned the music in the clubhouse off?

Claudio Vargas, now 8-8 as a dependable and entrenched Arizona starter, and Sunny Kim, 4-2 with a 4.50 ERA with the Rockies, were simply given away by Bowden -- put on waivers to clear roster spots so that temporary holes could be plugged in the hold of the leaking U.S.S. RFK. Nobody, including me, protested their departure.

Bullshit. You were wrong, Boswell. Don't try to involve us in your foolishness.

This turned into more of a line-by-line thing than I meant it to, but I think the flaw in Boswell's thinking is clear. He doesn't discuss the possibility that the Nationals were winning despite -- or at least regardless of -- Bowden's and Robinson's ministrations. Boz isn't alone in this. It seemed like any criticism of Bowden during the first half of the season was met with something like "yeah well hes gm of a fristplace team so he must be doing a prety good job lol!!!!!1" Now he's GM of a fourth-place team, and to start finding fault with him now evinces the kind of stimulus-response thinking that does no credit to any multi-celled organism.

The Good News

The Nats are all but officially eliminated from playoff contention, and it's a good bet that next year isn't going to be as much fun as this one was. Still, that doesn't mean that we can't focus on the good news. Here goes.

• We're over .500, and the Mets aren't. I dislike the Mets for a variety of reasons, and back when I thought this team was going to be much worse than it turned out to be, my only wish was to finish ahead of them. To do so with a payroll less than half as big as theirs would be even sweeter. That's right, Mets fans: your team's spending more money than the Cardinals.
  
• I've noticed that Brad Wilkerson is using "Back Then" by Mike Jones as his entrance music. We can infer from this that back then hoes didn't want him, but that now, with increased visibility that comes from playing in Washington and appearing in a really embarrassing bank commercial, he's hot hoes all on him. Good for Brad, and if word of this gets around the league, it may help us sign free agents in the future.
• Andruw Jones might win the MVP, and we helped! In 18 games against the Nats, Jones hit six homers with a robust .688 slugging average. Esteban Loaiza was particularly helpful, allowing Andruw to throw two homers, two doubles, and 10 RBIs on the ever-increasing pile. You're welcome, Atlanta! I hope you can sell out a playoff game this time!
• How 'bout that Dutch Zimmerman? In his brief time with the club, he's shown himself to be competent to handle major league pitching and apparently a rad third baseman. He can't play shortstop, but it was ridiculous to ask him to. So that's the good part, but here's the downside: he was born in 1984. I'm not the only one thinking about his own mortality all of a sudden, right?
• Baseball Prospectus' Joe Sheehan remains completely wrong as hell. On October 26, Sheehan commented, "The Expos might be one of the worst teams ever next year, because it's hard to see how they get anything done this offseason." Even if we lose every game the rest of the way (you can do it, Frank!) Sheehan's already shown the prediction skills of a young Will Carroll.
  
• JIM BOWDEN IS GONNA GET FIRED! It's just speculation, but I'm pretty sure that it won't be long before JIM BOWDEN GETS FIRED! We might have to worry about Frank next year, but NOT BODES, WHO WILL BE FIRED! Probably.
  

Apartment Man

Wednesday's 12-1 loss to the Marlins was emblematic of pretty much all the bad stuff about the Nats, in the same way a 2-1 home win puts all the good stuff on display.

• First off, we're out of starting pitchers. Early in the year, our depth of servicable starters was one of the few advantages the team had. What happened? Injuries, for one thing. Jon Rauch missed most of the year, and Zach Day broke his wrist. Worse than that, though, was the destructive combination of Frank Robinson's crankiness and Jim Bowden's carelessness. Frank's never gotten along with his pitchers, going all the way back to 1975. Tomo Ohka was jerked around, insulted, and traded when he didn't like it. Same with Zach Day. Some of the blame has to go to Bowden, the guy who actually pulled the trigger on the trades, but if Frank can't get the most out of his players, he's simply not doing his job. Bodes, meanwhile, painted himself into a corner with his roster moves and gave up Sunny Kim in exchange for nothing. And when I say "nothing," I don't mean, "a bad player," I mean actually, literally nothing. That's the same package we got earlier in the year for Claudio Vargas, by the way.
• Our emergency starter, John Halama, was yanked in the first inning after giving up the Fox News First Run of the Game. Frank's quick hook has worked in the past, but the bullpen was worn out and proceeded to surrender a further nine runs, none of which merited sponsorship. Of course, Frank proceeded to insult Halama after the game, which I'm sure Tom Boswell just ate up. Grit!
• Finally we come to our beloved Teutonic third baseman, Ryan "Dutch" Zimmerman. Bodes brought Dutch up to the majors when rosters expanded, and Frank sat his rookie ass on the bench and kept him there, explaining that it wouldn't be "fair" to Vinny Castilla to use the better, healthier player. Vinny's not pulling his weight (and is a few boxes of doughnuts and a week-long slump away from not hitting it), but hey, he's a veteran, you know? You got to do right by the vets, playoffs be damned. You don't see Bobby Cox using a lot of rookies . . . forget that, Frank won two MVPs, what the hell did you ever do? Anyway, Dutch finally got a start last night. At shorstop, which he has next to no experience playing. Frank decided it would be best for the young fellow to make his first major league start at a difficult position that he doesn't play. Surprising no one, he made two errors, and Vinny's washed-up ass contributed nothing before being pinch hit for.

So there you have it. You've got managerial incompetence leading to a weak roster, the mistreatment of players, and bizarre and counterproductive lineup decisions. And we got our asses kicked, but that probably would have happened anyway. Dontrelle Willis can kick our asses all by himself, like Bugs Bunny vs. the Gas House Gorillas.

Meanwhile, scroll to the bottom of this and check out the graphic depiction of the dualistic nature of the Nationals' bullpen. Without Stanton, there could be no Cordero.

And Cristian Guzman won an award.

Update! I am now able to display the above mentioned depiction thanks to teh magic of teh internet.

Mutable, Protean

Maybe I should start handing out an award for self-obliviousness, if that is a word. I already have an award named after Will Carroll, though, and I don't think anyone else deserves that honor. If there were such an award, though, our own Jim Bowden would be in the running. Here's Bodes defending his favorable comparison of young Dutch Zimmerman to Brooks Robinson and Cal Ripken:

"As a general manager," Jim Bowden said, "you're not going to make these comments unless you can back it up. I'm not going to be wrong [about] the player. You don't hear me making these great comments about too many players since I've been here, have you?"

Evidently Bodes doesn't read Distinguished Senators. If he did, he would have recently been reminded of this bit of wishful thinking:

"Cristian Guzman is a critical part of the future of the Washington franchise. You never see a winning team without a good shortstop," Bowden said. "Cristian is only 26 years old. He has been on a division winner the last three years. He has tremendous range. It doesn't show up in statistics, but baseball people know what it means to win baseball games."

I hasten to point out that I heart Dutch, and even though the grown-up me disapproves of his early appearance in the majors, the kid part -- the part that likes the frosted side of Kellog's Frosted Mini Wheats -- is excited to see him. But it doesn't make me think any more of him when Bowden points at his own throbbing brain and proclaims his infallibility.

Time for a JOSE SMASH! update. Back in June, I did a little sifting through Jose Guillen's stats to investigate whether the temperamental, mercurial outfielder hit better when facing the numerous teams that have gotten rid of him at one time or another than he did against those with which he had no beef. He did, as it turns out, slugging 300 points better against the Pirates, Reds, Angels, A's, and Diamondbacks than against everyone else. The trend continues:

Guillen versus former teams:
.333/.410/.688, 9 HR, 16 RBI in 93 ABs

Guillen versus non-former teams:
.297/.346/.478, 15 HR, 54 RBI in 387 ABs

He hits homers almost twice as frequently against his former employers, doubles at a better rate, strikes out less often, and perhaps most interestingly, gets plunked at a higher rate. And for all the complaints about how often Guillen finds a body part in the way of a fastball, the HBPs are keeping his on-base percentage above the league average for outfielders, so I'm all in favor of them. The Pirates, Jose's first team, have felt the worst of his wrath (500/593/1182, 3 2Bs, 4 HR in 22 ABs), while he's only 1 for 9 with a single against Oakland.

Unfortunately, that's it for us. None of the other NL East teams have taken a chance on our impulsive, volatile right fielder, but we can hope that he gets the Phillies confused with the Reds like I always do.

And by the way . . .

. . . me and Bodes aren't the only ones who think the left side of the Nationals' infield needs some fixing. Yard Work contributor Ana Maria Collejeo Guillen piles on as well.

Vinny is what we in our country call “an old shoe,” something you have around because it is comfortable and sometimes usefull but you don’t think about much anymore because you have new better shoes and they are more of fashion and also do not hurt your feet…or your lineup. And in addition we also have a name for players like Cristian Guzman too. That word is “esucks.” So those are my thoughts and you are very welcome to them.

You should totally be reading Yard Work almost all the time. How else would you know what Ana Maria thinks of Jason Beritek?

Bowden: "Man, Did I Ever Fuck Up"

"Cristian Guzman is a critical part of the future of the Washington franchise. You never see a winning team without a good shortstop," Bowden said. "Cristian is only 26 years old. He has been on a division winner the last three years. He has tremendous range. It doesn't show up in statistics, but baseball people know what it means to win baseball games." -- November 22, 2004

Consider this a sequel to the last time Jim Bowden admitted he sucks. Back then, Bodes tried to tell us how ashamed he was by having his big signing, Cristian "Punchline" Guzman, sit down in favor of the lovable but not actually very good Jamey Carroll. I guess he thought we didn't get the message, because now he's just screaming it.

In need of offense, the Nationals acquired shortstop/second baseman Deivi Cruz from the Giants in exchange for right-hander Ben Cox on Tuesday.

It's not a bad deal, and it would have been even better had it happened earlier. However, there aren't many teams on which Deivi Frigging Cruz is a clear improvement, and the man who assembled such a team should not be proud of himself. I've already spent far too much of my life watching Deivi Cruz -- he was the shortstop on an Orioles team whose best player was Jay Gibbons, if that tells you anything. Even so, he makes our shortstop position better. Hell, he might make our second base position better too, but I can't blame Bowden for that so I'm ignoring it. Then there's this:

Manager Frank Robinson and interim general manager Jim Bowden had a meeting on Tuesday afternoon to talk about which Minor Leaguers they should bring up. Both men declined to talk about what was said, but Bowden hinted that third baseman [Dutch] Zimmerman would be in the Major Leagues before Sept. 1.

There is a possibility that Zimmerman could replace either third baseman Vinny Castilla or shortstop Cristian Guzman.

To recap: Jim Bowden's two biggest additions to the team, players with a combined 4 years and $15 million left on their contracts, have been replaced by no-hit journeyman shortstop and a 20-year-old with fewer than 70 professional games under his belt. Even if you ignore the fact that starting Dutch's major league service time is going to cost the Nats a lot of money down the road (Bodes'll be long gone by then -- what does he care?), his pissing away of our pitching depth, his unprofessional behavior (publicly blaming his players for a mess he made), what else does Bodes have to do to prove that his second general manager stint is just as much a failure as his first?

Tee Time

It was my first time in a while at RFK, and it would have been heart-breaking if I weren't already so damn jaded. The Nationals, in case you weren't paying attention, lost in humiliating fashion to a team that approached this contest with the hard-nosed, win-at-all-costs mentality usually reserved for NFL teams playing the last game of the preseason. Yes, the Cardinals' B-team made our home nine look rather foolish, but that didn't stop the embarrassingly kind RFK crowd from giving John Halama a standing ovation for his performance: 5.1 innings and two guys on base who wound up scoring after Tony La Russa realized the caliber of team he was dealing with and started calling the trick plays. I'm not saying we should emulate the Philadelphians and start throwing batteries, but can't we reserve the ovations for pitchers who have turned in at least a quality start?

As long as I'm complaining, I may as well complain about the complaining of others. The Washington Post's Mike Wise recently favored us with a pessimistic column that puzzlingly compared the Nationals to a "three-month Rehoboth romance." I understand the implication, but I can't say that I see the point. But that's not why I'm treating Wise to coveted Distinguished Senators coverage. After pointing out the problems the Nats are having, Wise lays out a three-point plan for the future. I'll work backwards:

2. Should Jim Bowden, the interim general manager, return? No. For every Guillen, you still cannot get away from the lack of productivity from the left side of the infield: Cristian Guzman at shortstop and Vinny Castilla at third.

Quite right, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Wise elaborates, and I don't disagree. Bodes has got to go. I do disagree with this, though:

1. Should Robinson return? Yes. Less than a week from turning 70, he's gotten more out of this lineup than most expected and has put to bed any notion that he has neither the fire nor managerial sense to stay in the game. He's the only manager Jose Guillen has ever truly responded to. He still engenders complete respect in the clubhouse. Questionable managerial moves aside and his lofty place in the game notwithstanding, Robinson has done enough to warrant at least another year with the Nats.

That's almost all wrong. "He's gotten more out of this lineup than most expected." If by "lineup" Wise means "offense," I hasten to point out that the Nats are butt-naked last in the entire major leagues in run-scoring. If by "lineup" he means "team," then I'd have to agree that they're better than I thought they'd be, but I fail to see why Frank should automatically get the credit, especially from someone so eager to jettison the general manager.

"He's the only manager Jose Guillen has ever truly responded to." Fair enough. Frank gets credit from me for two things: 1) handling Guillen and B) baiting Mike Scioscia into making a complete ass of himself.

"He still engenders complete respect in the clubhouse." This is an outright lie. Tomo Ohka hated him, and so did Claudio Vargas. Even if they were the only ones, that's enough to prove Wise's worshipful statement wrong, and I'm pretty sure they're not. Frank doesn't have the respect of a significant proportion of his players, and he doesn't deserve it. He needlessly humiliates his pitchers on the mound, then throws a fit and forces bad trades when they don't enjoy it. He slept through the Expos' last season in Montreal and is on his best behavior in Washington because he knows cameras are on him. He sees this job as a sinecure to subsidize his golf habit. The bottom line is that Frank Robinson doesn't care about this team as much as you do.

Finally, Sunday's debacle prompted Bowden to whine about the incompetence of the offence he assembled. Let's see if we can have some fun with his bitching.

"[I] know by [Labor Day] there's going to be enough choices for [the new owner] that he doesn't have to [keep my silly jumpsuit-wearing ass around] if he doesn't want to," Bowden said."Be a man, wake up and [stop doing] damage or guess what? After that, [the owner] can do whatever he can do. By the time it gets to [Labor Day], [I'm still] [suck]ing, he might as well put other people in there. There's a lot of guys who can [avoid signing the worst hitter in the history of baseball to a four year contract]."

The Invisible Man

When it comes to how the Nationals are being run, it's the little things that get to you. That's by necessity, since there are no big things. Other teams get to worry about big things: whether to trade Manny Ramirez, "brain-dead Carribeans," hairdressers -- you know, the big things. Nats fans are stuck contemplating the true worth of Sunny Kim and whether Tomo Ohka or Frank Robinson is a bigger jerk. So keep that in mind as I pick my nits.

We had plenty of outfielders before Jim Bowden acquired Preston Wilson, and we still do. Ryan Church is rotting on the bench when he should be solidifying his Rookie of the Year case, for instance. Meanwhile, the offense is atrocious, and it's largely owing to the infield. Vinny Castilla's been in a free fall since the eleventh game of the year (I'm serious -- his OPS was 1449 on April 16 and has fallen steadily to its current 698). Jose Vidro was fine until he missed two months but has hit Vinny-style since, and you know he's not helping us with his glove. Both these players are old and gimply and could use some time off. If only there were someone who could fill such a role. There's Jamey Carroll, but he's busy giving us the occasional day off from Cristian Guzman, and he can't hit either. Regular Distinguished Senators readers (if there are any) probably know where I'm going with this: Free Brendan Harris! Harris is putting up a solid 281/332/424 in AAA at the moment with 10 homers and 17 doubles. He's not exactly ripping up the league, but he's obviously not overmatched, and he did hit in the majors before being inexplicably shipped back down. He plays third and second and is more than capable of giving our ailing infielders the time off they need (which in Castilla's case is the year and a couple months until his contract expires).

Instead we get another frigging outfielder. Nothing against young Brandon Watson, and his call-up could wind up being a good thing. He has a homer and a double tonight, not that I expect that to keep up -- remember Preston Wilson's first at-bat as a National? Anyway, Nationals Farm Report profiles the new guy for us. His batting average in New Orleans was .357, and though it may have been a rather empty .357 (low on walks and power), he'll probably be of more use than poor Matt Cepicky was. Nonetheless, he simply doesn't fill as great a need as Harris would, and he'll be just the latest unworthy outfielder to steal playing time from Church. Little thing though it may be (it's not even the worst move Bowden's made this week), this team doesn't have the talent not to sweat the small stuff.

Frank Had A Plan It Was His Master Plan

What a crappy weekend of baseball. Some observations, since I can't maintain a train of thought for more than five minutes.

• Remember Saturday's game when we're forced to get rid of Ryan Drese because of his bad attitude. Drese became the latest victim of Frank Robinson's Pitcher Humiliation Plan, being lifted in a 2-2 count to Dave Roberts in the 7th. Joey Eischen proceeded to give up a go-ahead RBI double, and Drese proceeded to look pissed off and puzzled on the bench. Don't worry, Frank -- I'm behind you! All those pitchers who get a little prickly after being publicly humiliated just have bad attitudes!
• Speaking of assholes who make it hard to root for the Nationals, Jose Guillen recently caused the normally mild-mannered Brad Wilkerson to explode during a team meeting on Friday.

  According to another source, the only heated exchange was between outfielders Jose Guillen and Brad Wilkerson. Guillen told Wilkerson that he wanted him to take charge a little more in center field. Wilkerson responded by saying that that he would take charge a little more, but that Guillen never listens to him. Guillen became very upset. Heated words then followed . . .
  

  I wonder whose side the halfwit homers will take in this dispute. Both these guys are sacred cows. Anyway, you'll be happy to know that ¡Livan! broke it up.
  
• Who's the radio play-by-play guy? Charlie or Dave? Whichever one of them it is, I'm sick of him. The "Bang! Zoom!" thing is really wearing thin even though I don't hear it very often anymore. A bigger problem is his bizarre recalcitrance in telling me what the damn score is. Unless it's the end of a half-inning, he acts like it's classified information. The final straw came last night, when I flipped on the radio after studiously ignoring the first five innings. Not to bore you with my own play by play, but the Padres were down by one run and had men on first and third with none out in the 6th. Mark Sweeney hit a single to center, scoring the man on third. Meanwhile, Brad Wilkerson convinced Mark Loretta, the man on first, that he as going to catch the ball, which prevented Loretta from advancing and led to a force out at second base. That's pretty neat, but let's not forget that the play scored the tying run in what wound up being a one-run game. Here's how Dave/Charlie called it, as I recall: 1) decribed Wilkerson's play 2) described Wilkerson's play at somewhat greater length 3) mention briefly that a Padre scored 4) described Wilkerson's play again 5) called Wilkerson a genius 6) shockingly told me the damn score. I don't know if it's homerism or just bad announcing, but Dave/Charlie utterly missed the point of that play, and he's lucky I don't know which one he is.
  

Ho-Hum

I picked a hell of a boring game to have to write something about. The big story, I suppose, is that the Dodgers, who entered the game 10th in the NL in dinger production, cranked four homers in supposedly dinger-proof RFK. It's not much of a story, but at least it makes Jose "One Homer at RFK" Guillen look pretty bad. Remember back in June when we couldn't lose at home? The Nats would score maybe three runs, Chad Cordero would let three guys get on base and still get the save, and it was all very routine and predictable? Last night's game was the photo negative version. The Dodgers got out to an early lead, and I'm sure I wasn't the only one who thought, "Well, that's the end of that. And hey, the Law and Order where the Falun Gong lady incinerates herself is on!" Guillen stranded three more men on base and the Nats scored four runs just so this would be another of those significant one-run losses. Ho-hum. The point? There isn't one, but wasn't June fun?

My Name is Ryan and I'm Here to Say

Check this: I'm going to pay attention to this baseball game tonight and totally write something about it. It'll be just like the good old days. Meanwhile, I'm going to fix the links, because that's easier than writing something. If I ever follow through with my plan to make a living by rapping about blogging, here's what I'm going to say: "I got more links than Jimmy Dean." Now I just need something that rhymes with that and won't lead to my saying "and I love Fruity Pebbles in a major way."

Bowden: "I Fucked Up"

I've been waiting pretty much since the day he was hired for Jim Bowden to admit he sucks. It's a lot to ask, I know, but he's finally done it. Alert Nats fans may have noticed that Cristian Guzman didn't start last night, sitting in favor of Jamey Carroll. Guz wasn't injured, and it wasn't a senior moment from Frank Robinson. It was totally on purpose.

"It comes to a point where, for me, we're struggling and we need offense wherever we can get it," Robinson said of Guzman, who is hitting .189 after grounding out in a pinch-hit appearance last night. "You eliminate the weakest guy in your lineup."

That's not the end of it. Bodes continues to seek a replacement for his $16 million dollar extravagance.

Before last night's game against the Colorado Rockies at RFK Stadium, Bowden said he had called Nationals special assistant Barry Larkin to try and persuade the 12-time All-Star to come out of retirement and play for the rest of the season.

Bowden has realized -- and bear in mind that this is not a recent development -- that his big acquisition, allegedly a player you "build around," is so bad that he'd rather have a 41 year old who hasn't played in the better part of a year suit up. But the fact that it's Carroll replacing Guzman is an even more amazing development. I don't know if you've noticed, but Bodes seems to hate guys he hasn't acquired. Remember Brendan Harris? The Nats have done everything they could to keep him off the field. Baerga has the same portfolio as Harris (2B/3B) but is fat and slow and just generally embarrassing to justify to friends who are fans of other teams. It was decided that Jamey Carroll couldn't adequately fill in at second, but instead of giving Harris a chance, valuable starter/Frank casualty Tomo Ohka was jettisoned for a month of Junior Spivey. So poor Brendan is slaving away in New Orleans while anyone -- anyone -- Bodes brought on board gets to enjoy the limelight of the majors. So believe me when I say that it's a big damn deal that a guy whose performance can in no way make Bodes look good is playing instead of Guzman.

The rough part for Bowden is that this is his legacy. Let's look three years into the future, after Vinny Castilla retires and is elected Mayor of Mexico. After Jose Guillen is booted off his twelfth team for kicking the bat boy in the head. It's 2008, and the only remnant of the mercifully short Bowden Era is the pudgy, annoyed-looking shortstop enjoying his third season on the pine and making a cool $4 million doing it.

On a positive note, you have the Distinguished Senators guarantee that it's completely worth your while to look at this.

Cast Your Vote!

I'm right in my middle of my own, extended version of the All-Star Break. I call it the All-Scotch Break. The concept is that I reenact all the fun-filled events of the All-Star Break, but with Scotch instead of baseball. I started with Scotch Shot Derby, in which I made the mistake of representing my native Venezuela. I don't think it makes me any less a man that I couldn't get through the first batter of the first round -- it turns out Bobby Abreu is better at hitting batting practice homers than I am at downing whisky. I woke up a couple days later to discover that I had missed the actual game, meaning that I'd have to postpone the All-Scotch Game, in which the 25 best single malts take on the 25 best blends. I also discovered that Jim Bowden, perhaps in the course of a Scotch Shot Derby of his own, had acquired Preston Wilson from the Rockies. Don't ask me why Bodes hates Ryan Church or why he thinks "older and more expensive" means "better." That's why he's Bodes. Yes, I know Preston hit a homer in his first appearance as a Nat, but I'm not letting that change my opinion of the trade because I'm not an idiot.

Anyway, I'm going to Ocean City to continue the All-Scotch Break. The next events are the AAA All-Star Game (the AAA All-Scotch Game? Getting drunk at a Delmarva Shorebirds game) and the Futures Game, which you probably didn't watch on Sunday. My version of the Futures Game consists of buying beer for minors. I'll be back on Wednesday.

Paging Dr. Guillen

The Nats are limping into the All Star break. The injuries are mounting, and that's led to a couple of series lost to our suck-ass divisional rivals. Jose Guillen knows what the problem is: too many pansies!

"We have some key players that just keep getting hurt, like Churchy and Nick and Guzzy," Guillen said. "Without those three guys, I don't think the team's looking the same.

"You know we need Nick. We need some of those guys to learn how to play in pain. They need to step it up and have to understand, right now, in the second half, there's no baby-sitting anyone."

Thanks for the diagnosis, Dr. Guillen! I'm sure Johnson is going to ignore both his doctors and his own physical pain now that he's learned that all he lacks is testicular fortitude. I'm also sure that he'll be damn glad to see you when he gets back and will probably thank you in person for your help. For my part, I'm going to file this medical advice alongside Dr. Boswell's -- hey, were you guys in the same class at Jackass Medical College? And as long as you're dispensing medical advice, here's a prescription from Dr. Ryan: 500 mg of SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU PRICK.

Bronchitis, Huh?

Jose Guillen is ticking. His problems with the Angels last year stemmed from a perceived lack of protection. Jose felt that he was getting hit and that nothing was being done in his defense. Guillen was plunked yet again by Pedro Martinez on Tuesday, his tenth of the year. It was probably intentional, given that Pedro has superb control and is a dick (and I say that with love -- Pedro rules). Afterwards, Guillen was really, really pissed. Or not, depending on whether you were reading an actual journalist's account of the game or that of a lesser type. Once again I'm going to skip of the Guillen issues to talk about the coverage his issues have gotten from the press.

Lucky for us, Needham is all over the Guillen angle. Go read this.

Guillen's an ass. A complete ass. This isn't the first time that that hothead has let his personal vendettas get in the way of clubhouse issues. And it goes to show that the persona that he and the Nationals have created of a reformed man are horseshit.

Guillen's deep in the doghouse. Don't believe any of this "bronchitis" bullshit. He didn't play on Thursday because Frank rightly took Loaiza and Schneider's side in this issue.

Of course, if you relied on MLB.com, you wouldn't even know there was an issue. Here's Bill Ladson's piece on Tuesday's game.

Nationals outfielder Jose Guillen was upset after Tuesday's win against the Mets and didn't want to talk to the media. According to multiple sources, Guillen was angry that teammate Esteban Loaiza didn't retaliate after Mets right-hander Pedro Martinez hit Guillen with a pitch in the first inning.
...
Guillen apologized to the media on Wednesday and denied he was angry Loaiza didn't retaliate against the Mets. He said he was upset that he made an error in the ninth inning that cost the Nationals a run.

Huh, well that's not that too bad. He's just, you know, intense. Like Tomo Ohka. But check out how the story changes when you hear from a guy who was willing to some actual reporting or at least fact-checking, in this case, the estimable Barry Svrluga.

Several sources said he had a confrontation in the dugout prior to the bottom of the second inning with pitcher Esteban Loaiza and catcher Brian Schneider.

Huh. Odd that Ladson didn't mention that.

"He was on first base, and then we went back on the field [in the top of the second], and then came back in the dugout, and it was our turn up to bat, and he said he told me to hit somebody," Loaiza said yesterday. "He never mentioned anything to me, and then he started going after Schneider. And Schneider didn't hear him, either."

Svrulga went and talked to some of the players involved, it would appear.

Guillen, who declined to speak to reporters after Tuesday's game, said repeatedly yesterday that he was not upset at being hit by Martinez, the fourth time his fellow native of the Dominican Republic has hit him during his career. Teammates privately said Guillen's actions showed differently.

Did you pick up on the vital extra step here? Guillen says he's not mad, and that's good enough for Ladson. Svrluga, on the other hand, did some actual goddam reporting.

All season, players have raved about the club's chemistry, and they consider it an essential element in their rise to first place in the NL East. As one player said yesterday, "We don't need that right now." Some players elected yesterday not to speak to Guillen, who did not take batting practice before the game.

Here's the point: there's a big difference between the rah-rah bullshit you find on MLB.com (among other outlets) and what's actually happening. We've been told since the day of the Guillen trade that he was a changed man and wouldn't dare do anything unpleasant on his new team. The usual wheelbarrow for all this manure has been Bill Ladson's stuff on MLB.com. It wasn't hard to poke holes in this nonsense even when Guillen was well-behaved. But at this point, Ladson's negligence is suspicious. Remember, he simply did not report the confrontation between Guillen and his teammates. Is he just not very good at his job, or did his bosses not want that information to get out? It could well be both. Just remember that anything on MLB.com may as well have been dictated by Tony Tavares or Jim Bowden.

Sitting Feeling Sorry in the Salty Dog

As Basil helpfully points out in the comments to my last post, it's been a full week since my last post. I defend myself thusly: fuck ya'll, I was on vacation. It wasn't all arcades and all-I-could-eat crabs -- I was doing research. I avoided the beach entirely in favor of sitting in a Pittsburgh-themed bar watching the Nats, and I kept close count of Ocean City's vital statistics. You'll be happy to know that Nationals caps and shirts outnumbered Orioles stuff, though both were beaten easily by Confederate flags. Everyone was just excited by the Dukes of Hazzard movie, no doubt. Anyway, here's today's feeble attempt at ~CONTENT!

• You probably know this, but Nick Johnson and Ryan Church are the DL. Nick is just straight up brittle. What would take a normal human a week to recover from takes Nick a month, according to my medical computations. Hey, I've got all the same credentials as Will Carroll. As far as Church goes, I'm still waiting for Tom Boswell's heartfelt apology. "I'm sorry I used my widely-read forum to imply you were a pussy based on absolutely fucking nothing, Ryan! I won't do it again!" Be a man, Boz.
• How 'bout that Esteban Loiaza? It's far enough into the season that I can recognize that I was totally wrong about the dude. I was against the signing; indeed, thanks a bizarre mis-quotation in the Washington Post, my opposition has been immortalized for the ages. But he's been really good, and still has pretty far to fall before he stops being a quality starter. The lesson to be learned? Don't listen to me. I don't know shit about dick. I'm saying this now before the government makes me plaster it up top.
• Speaking of Loaiza, he pitched a hell of a game yesterday, and got a well-deserved standing ovation when he left in the 9th. That doesn't mean anything, though, because he also received a standing O at the conclusion of a five inning, four run performance against Pittsburgh on June 30. The Pirates' announcer was laughing at the Nats fans, and he was right to do so. Yes, cheering a valiant but defeated player is better than booing, but look at it this way: when looking at the Nationals' unexpected success, the more esoterically inclined among us have often pointed the fan factor. The Expos played in front of a demoralizing 15 people a game, and the throngs of Nats fans have certainly helped their performance, right? Well, if we accept that idea, it's natural to conclude that if a standing ovation is the reward for even a crappy performance, the team will lose the incentive to excel. Just like communism.
• Jose Vidro's back! I barely remember the last time he played. The only thing I can recall is Needham bitching (rightly) about his range. Here's the thing about Vidro: he's already a very old man, in baseball terms. He can't run, he can't field, but he can still hit. That wouldn't be so bad, except that he's signed through 2008 for good money, and by then he has a good chance to be 2005-vintage Carlos Baerga. Trade him! There is allegedly interest in Bret Boone, and Bodes needs to get on the phone with anyone who's considering that. And not just to laugh at them.
  
• Speaking of Bodes, his silly ass is reported to be heartily pursuing Preston Wilson, who can't hit and is about to be a free agent. Wilson wouldn't be an improvement if we got him for free, so why the hell would Bowden want to trade for him? Why does Bowden hate Ryan Church and, by extension, America?