I can't take much more this. "Vidro Says He's Healthy." "Robinson Says He's Awake." "Guillen Say He Won't Kill Anybody Unless They're Asking for It." Not since my experimental mash-up novel Huckleberry Finnegans Wake have so many words been spilled with so little meaning. Ooh, but here's something intriguing: I wonder who's going to be our Opening Day starter?
Washington Nationals Manager Frank Robinson said Wednesday that, barring an injury, right-hander Livan Hernandez would almost certainly be his starter on Opening Day, April 4 in Philadelphia.Never mind. I almost wish Frank had said something like "We're going with Loaiza. He's a 20 game winner and a two-time All-Star. He's a proven 100 RBI-guy." At least then I could have saddled up my high horse and resumed pontificating about how under-appreciated my man Livan is.
I fixed Dayn Perry, but it may have come at a high cost to me, Ryan. It's been a month since Dayn "Up Yours, DC" Perry made our skins crawl with one of his creepy "Imaginary Girlfriend of the Week" features. I figure my regimen of ridicule and moral superiority put a stop to it, and you're welcome. The problem, though, is that I set the bar too high in my Dayn-mocking. Those imaginary girlfriend things were bizarre, horrifying, and (I hope) unique. Perry's still a jackass and still strives desperately for a sort of Maxim-reading, Best Damn Sports Show-watching edginess. Hockey players are advised to "Enjoy the extra time available to further enjoy the challenge of picking up dive-bar sluts while toothless," for instance. Oh Dayn, you so crazy! Don't go there! And twins! But as irritating as he still is, how can the dive-bar sluts compare with "Our fling is torrid, mythic and worthy of verse. We don't talk about who gave whom the clap"? So as long as Dayn keeps it toned down, I'm deprived of one of my favorite gimmicks and space-fillers. One day my sacrifices will be appreciated.
Speaking of media guys I don't like, I was home all day yesterday and had the opportunity to listen to some talk radio. First I heard Nats blogger favorite Tony Kornheiser hail Bobby McFerrin as a genius because he could imitate the sounds of musical instruments. Also on Kornheiser's exclusive genius list: Police Academy's Michael Winslow and this dude I went to college with who made R2-D2 noises all the time. Then I heard smug Kent Brockman caricature Dan Patrick get in an argument with alleged Canadian Bret Hull about the demise of the NHL. Patrick seemed to think a salary cap would have fixed everything, to which Hull quite reasonably responded by asking if ESPN had a salary cap. Patrick valiantly changed the subject and then waited until Hull had left before winning the argument: since ESPN won't pay anyone an unlimited amount of money, they do have a salary cap. Checkmate, hoser.