Sunday, May 15, 2005

The Distinguished Senators Mail-Sack

I learned a lot from my in-depth investigation of the scandal behind Parade Magazine's Personality Parade column and MLB.com's Nationals Mailbag. From the lack of reaction in the mainstream media, I learned that no one cares if you answer questions you made up yourself. I also learned that AMUQ format (answering made-up questions) allows you to talk about whatever self-indulgent/payola-inspired thing you want without anyone suspecting a thing. And they're so easy to write -- you don't have to worry about abrupt transitions or non sequiturs or nothing. So now I'm going to answer a bunch of real questions that real people really sent me. Seriously, I get questions like this all the time from my legions of curious readers.

Hey Ryan, what about that Endy trade? --Umberto E., Palm Springs

I hate it! I'm just kidding, of course. I'm pretty impressed that after months of management whizzing all over him (not literally) (as far as I know), Chavez got us something in return. The Marlon Byrd/Endy Chavez swap was rumored months ago, and here's what I said about it:
As far as I can tell, Byrd and Chavez are actually the same person, so that won't make much of a difference. I guess I'd rather have the guy who managed 44 walks in a season, though.
I'll stand by that -- Byrd had a good 2003 (303/366/418, 28 doubles, 44 walks), better than any year Endy's ever had. They're both centerfielders who don't hit all that much. Chavez has a speed advantage and perhaps a defensive one as well, but he can't hit and everyone hates him -- I don't mean the bloggers, either; I mean Frank Robinson and Tom Boswell. So Bowden gets an unreserved thumbs up from this quarter.

I worry a bit about Byrd's use. I like our current outfield alignment, and my Ryan Church fetish is well documented. Byrd seems to have potential as a fourth outfielder and has the advantage of being right-handed. It's not that I hate the idea of sitting Church against lefties, it's that the shambling corpse of Jeffrey Hammonds plays in his stead when Frank platoons. So if Byrd is used as a defensive replacement/pinch runner/platoon righty, I'll be thrilled. If he displaces Church, I start swearing again.

UPDATE: Basil has a recap of The Marlon Byrd Story Thus Far. Go read it. Also, Frank has indicated how Byrd will be used.
Manager Frank Robinson has told Byrd that he will start against left-handed pitching for the time being.

"At least I know I'm going to be platooning. In Philadelphia, the Phillies looked at me as a fifth outfielder," Byrd said.

I approve.

I haven't heard from Will Carroll in a while. What's he up to? -- Scott L., Hollywood

Not content to rest on his Will Carroll Memorial Nostradumbass Award, Will is branching out! His New York Times article about steroids received rave reviews (". . . has some serious issues[!]" -- Baseball Crank; ". . . sloppy and dishonest[!]" -- Eric McErlain), and now he's expanded it into a whole book! When asked about the venture, Will wondered, "Why can’t someone do some actual reporting or at least fact-checking?" before stating that he sure as hell wasn't about to start.

Juiced by Will Carroll is on sale now at your local bookseller, or online at Amazon.com. Don't be fooled; Amazon's telling people that Alan Schwarz wrote it. Guess why.

Ryan, I'm looking for an inspirational fitness book, preferably by an author whose clients include Penelope Cruz and Angelina Jolie. Do you have any ideas for which you haven't been compensated by the publisher? -- Ryan M., College Park

Do I ever! G-Force by Hollywood trainer Gunnar Peterson, 42, is so inspirational it's like the Rocky IV soundtrack in book form. Enjoy this excerpt:
You really don't realize how much mayonnaise you eat until you eat mustard in its place.
Ain't that the truth! G-Force by Gunnar Peterson is on sale now at your local bookseller, or online at Amazon.com.

Hey, how are Juan Rivera and Maicer Izturis doing with the Angels, Dr. Genius? -- Craphonso N., Alexandria

Man, shut the fuck up.

5 comments:

Chris Needham said...

Word on the street is that Mr. Rivera had his first homerun of the year.

His slugging is up to .333!

Ryan said...

Fallacy! FALLACY!

D said...

Hey, if you ever write Umberto E. back, ask him about the semiotic analysis of Screech that he promised me.

Ryan said...

I'm pretty sure Borges already wrote that. And his version has gaucho knife fights!

Basil said...

I recently purchased Juiced. It's about third in line for an Inquie Review.