Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Donuts?

Well, it turns out that both the 3 and the 2 went up, but the 3 went up more. Yay Nats!

That's all the Nationals analysis you'll be getting from me tonight. It's late and I need to get to bed, but first I want feel like making fun of Will Carroll a little bit. I haven't had much to say about our friend Will since his sad attempt at conceptual Internet comedy, but he's been on a roll lately. Apparently unable to find anyone to talk to him about his book, he had his crony Scott Long interview him on the blog they share, which is only slightly different from me answering questions about Gunnar Peterson that I made up. After that he started whining about the injustice that someone as special as he doesn't have a press pass. There are some real howlers in this one.
However, as I've developed both credibility and readership, I haven't been given any more access.
Yeah, you'd think after Pete Rose, "DC's bid is dead," the Grays, and all the other scoops Will has provided over the years, teams would be thrilled to let him nose around in the lockerroom. How much more credibility can one man have?
However, when it comes to baseball teams and more specifically, team media relations personnel, there's little difference between Baseball Prospectus and Bobby Joe's Bravez Blog.
Here's a riddle for you: what's the difference between Baseball Prospectus and Bobby Joe's Bravez Blog? 40 bucks a year.
Then there's idiots in the clubhouse, working for papers that don't have the circulation that BP, Toaster, or Sportsblogs have.
Yes, Will Carroll just called a whole bunch of people idiots. Other people. I don't have to explain why that's funny, right? Will also informs us to what extent the world revolves around Will.
I've made some overtures of starting something like the BBWAA for the web, but those efforts have failed due to both lack of interest and my odd status as lightning rod. . . .

Will I be forced to beg for press passes for the next ten years or does baseball want to force me out of the business?
He concludes with a vague threat to start fixing games or something if Bud Selig isn't nicer to him. Amazing.

Will spent Memorial Day coming up with a way to vaunt himself further without looking too arrogant, an area in which he's a real innovator, assuming the Scott Long interview was his idea. This time he had a probably imaginary interlocutor, "Mark," explain to him how great he was.
"That's your best quality - accessibility," Mark typed. "It's also why people get jealous. They can't email Peter Gammons. They can't email the guy on SportsCenter. With you, you're something different and that makes some wonder why you get to do what you love and they don't."
I think "Mark" is in love. But I guess he's right, as long when he says "something different," he means "bafflingly incompetent."
Fair enough, but I mentioned that my gambling/access post had a grand total of one reply.
Here's the real crux of the matter, as we'll see in a moment. Will lives for his comments, and they're way down since now you have to register to tell him what a doofus he is. He's not the only one. I have eight or nine different Blogger profiles that I'll use to comment over at Capitol Punishment just so I don't get 10,000 word emails from Chris about how nobody lives him and he's going to quit. Anyway, there follows a bunch of nonsense about blog models and donuts and how Will's media empire is the perfect buzz machine -- only Will doesn't realize it! "Mark" continues:
"Think - who's the biggest name on the web?"

I paused. "Kos?"

"What about in baseball blogs?"

I paused again. "Aaron Gleeman?"

"No, not even close, but let's check the blogbuzz on a couple names plus yours."

That surprised me. "Whoa."

In case you don't want to click the link, it shows that "Will Carroll" is mentioned on blogs far more frequently than either "Kos" or "Aaron Gleeman." There are a couple problems with this. First, does Will really expect anyone to believe that he was unaware of this, that his old pal had to hip him to this info? I mean, I check Technorati hourly and my Site Meter every five minutes, and I'm not half the megalomaniac Will is.

Second, and even better, go ahead and click on the link. Then click on Will's name. What do you notice? That's right, none of them is about Will Carroll. Lewis Carroll, Carroll County, Carroll College, Jon Carroll -- no Will. I sifted through the first 50 ("Why can’t someone do some actual reporting or at least fact-checking?"), and only 2 are Will, the first not coming until #28. This is really sad. Will writes this whole post and even invents a person all to tell us how great he is (I guess Scott Long decided enough was enough), and it's not him. That would like me posting about my U.S. Open experience or the intricacies of Canadian college football. Why is he doing all this? He thinks no one's reading, and it makes him sad, so he has his imaginary friend cheer him on.

Quit worrying about hits or comments internally. There's nothing in the donut hole. The rest of the world is noticing and the right people are reading. So quit worrying about things and figure out how to get one of those cards you want around your neck.
This can only get worse, people. I exhort you: register and comment on Will's blog. The man's rapidly losing his grip on reality, and he needs our help before he heads to the clocktower with a rifle and starts picking off the people he blames for keeping him out of the Cubs' clubhouse.

12 comments:

Bizarro Scott said...

Yes, Will Carroll just called a whole bunch of people idiots. Other people. I don't have to explain why that's funny, right?

No, you most certainly don't. The very fact that you, Ryan Moore, typed it makes it just hysterically funny. All hail Ryan!

El Gran Color Naranja said...

Hey, both "Harper" and "OMG" kill "Will Carroll". I'm the most powerful baseball blogger on the internet! People demand middling insight about the Nationals!

Luke Gofannon said...

Your best one yet on Will The Thrill.

"I tell it to myself, and I agree."

-- Alice Cooper, or Will Carroll (take your pick)

Ryan said...

Ooh, that's a good quote, Luke. I might have to use that.

Naranja - you've got two people on that blog. You should take turns interviewing each other. Buzz machine!

El Gran Color Naranja said...

I was actually going to have Red Barber interview me from a Ouija board.

Board Barber: H-o-w d-i-d y-o-u g-e-t t-o b-e s-o a-w-e-s-o-m-e?

Harper: That's a tough question, Red. It probably had to do with my staggering intelligence. Did you know I write in English, the preferred communication method of ther great leaders like Washington, Lincoln, Churchill?

Board Barber: T-h-a-t-s H-o-t.

(Maybe that was Paris Hilton and not Red Barber)

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