Thursday, May 12, 2005

G-Force!

I got nothing. There's no game tonight, and Mr. Conrad has adequately expressed my feelings on the Nats at the moment. RFK attendance is the big topic of conversation today, but I have little enough to say about that. Look, I was hoping we'd be packing 45,000 a night in there, but 30K isn't embarrassing. The first time I heard the "there's no marketing" excuse, I kind of scoffed. But then I sobered up and started thinking clearly (relatively speaking). If pocket schedules, bobblehead doll giveaways, and team logo beach towels don't have any effect, why does every other team have them? So let's give the locals a couple months before we start comparing them to Braves fans or something.

Well, since I'm not in the mood to do any, like, thinking or anything, I might as well make fun of the latest Mailbag column on MLB.com.
Where is Wil Cordero these days and when he will be back to the Nationals roster? --- William B., Puerto Rico

Cordero traveled with the Nationals during their West Coast trip. Manager Frank Robinson said he was pleased that Cordero was taking ground balls and batting practice. Cordero is on the disabled list after tearing his left medial meniscus during the first week of the season.

There is no timetable as to when Cordero will return, but Robinson said that Cordero would come off the bench and start against some tough left-handers after he is activated.

Hey, MLB.com's Bill Ladson, El Boricua William B. asked when Cordero would be back. He didn't ask for a bunch of fun facts about his meniscus and what species of pitcher he'll be beating [insert joke stolen from Needham here]. Answer the question next time, Bill.

I recently read that the Nationals are seeking a trade for Rockies outfielder Preston Wilson. Do you think Wilson is the answer to the Nationals need for a powerful bat? --Brian Coburn, Potomac, Md.

That's hard to say. Wilson is off to a slow start and is coming off an injury-plagued season in 2004. His best year occurred in 2003, when he led the National League in RBIs with 141 for the Rockies. Wilson is a free agent after this season.

The Nationals have been after Wilson for a few weeks. He is making $12 million and the Nationals would like the Rockies to pay most of his salary.

I'm starting to see a pattern here. Once again, Ladson doesn't quite answer the question and then reels off some facts he seems proud of knowing. "That's hard to say" - weak, Ladson. Very weak. The correct answer, of course, is "Oh, fuck no."

Was Jason Bay ever in the Expos farm system? -- Kevin S., Ottawa

The Expos drafted Bay in the 2000 First Year Player Draft. Then-general manager Omar Minaya traded Bay and pitcher Jim Serrano to the Mets for infielder Lou Collier on March 27, 2002. Bay went to win Rookie of the Year honors with the Pirates in 2004.

I gotta call bullshit on this question. Who the hell would write in to the Nationals beat writer to ask if a Pirates player ever belonged to the Expos? I'm guessing that "Kevin S." is the first name Ladson came up with when he wrote this question after watching Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. You ever read Parade Magazine, the thing that comes in the middle of the Sunday paper between the color comics and the Best Buy ad? This sounds a lot like one of those really suspicious questions that run in Personality Parade (for my money, the only part of the magazine worth reading). Like this one:

Q. Every Hollywood actor seems to have a personal trainer. Who’s the hottest trainer of them all?
—Bea Bell, Raleigh, N.C.
Now honestly, couldn't the intern who writes this come up with a subtler way to plug G-Force, new from ReganBooks, in which one who wanted to train like the stars would the find the fitness philosophy of celebrity trainer Gunnar Peterson, 42, whose clients include Sly Stallone and J-Lo?


G-Force: The Ultimate Guide To Your Best Body Ever is on sale now at your local bookseller, or online at Amazon.com.

3 comments:

Chris Needham said...

You missed your opportunity. You could've set up one of those Amazon Associates things, sat back, and watched the millions float in as person after person bought that wonderful product you're endorsing.

Ryan said...

Hey, I'm just satiating the public's curiosity about Hollywood's hottest celebrity trainers. No ulterior motives at all. Nope. Pure as the driven snow.

Basil said...

Is the author Stone Phillips?