Oh Definitely

It's been a literal (by which I mean the exact opposite of literal) rollercoaster of emotions for Nats fans the last few days, and I seriously don't know how you got through it without my guidance.

In case you missed it, lease! I'm assuming all this crap is over with for good, but I don't know what I'm talking about. I really hope we don't get a crappy owner. You know who I'm talking about.

Jose Guillen: Fine!

The original recommendation of surgery had been made Friday morning by Edward St. Mary, a hand specialist based near the Nationals' spring training headquarters in Viera, Fla. St. Mary's diagnosis was of tenosynovitis, or inflammation, of the extensor tendon in the wrist.

"When I got the description of what was going on with [Guillen], it just didn't add up," [competent doctor Timothy] Kremchek said in a telephone interview Saturday.

Did this guy go to Will Carroll Medical School? Anyway, this is really good news, even though I had ready a couple of really damning quotations from Guillen and Boz about how Nick Johnson and Ryan Church need to be tougher and play through injuries, the Jose Way. I have little confidence that Guillen will make it through the season healthy, though, so I'll (literally) keep my powder dry.

Ken Rosenthal is a hell of a reporter, but even the most reasonable person can have a bizarre idea that clings to his writing like -- literally -- an insane howler monkey. You can probably name a good dozen of the shrieky little bastards on my back. Rosenthal's simian symbiote is the idea that the perfect solution to the Soriano Scenario (or, if you prefer, Sorianario) is to throw literally tons of money at it.

The best way for the Nationals to persuade second baseman Alfonso Soriano to move to the outfield is not to say, "Jose Guillen might be out for three months. We need you more than ever."
No, the best way would be to demonstrate that such a shift would be in Soriano's best financial interests.
The Nats could make that case rather easily if they were under new ownership, easing Soriano's pain with say, a five-year, $60 million contract.

It's so insane, you can't believe Boz didn't say it, right? And Rosenthal means it -- this is the second time he's presented this five year plan to ruin the Nats. His reasoning hasn't gotten any better since the first time. Soriano's a terrible second baseman, and the secret's out. But if he moves to the outfield -- BAM! -- Andruw Jones. No, I'm serious; that's actually in the article.

There's little reason to think Soriano, a 30-year-old who has played in a major league outfield exactly as often as I have, would be good at it. Even if you think his athleticism gives him a shot, what kind of sense does it make to give not only an extension but a raise to a guy you expect to be the centerfielder of the future when he's shown neither the ability nor the willingness to do it? Do you relish the idea of a 35-year-old Alfonso Soriano cashing $12 million in paychecks from your favorite team? If so, thanks for reading, Mr. Boswell. Love your work.

Speaking of Boswell, the man showed why he's on the cutting edge of Nationals opinion-making. Back when we thought Guillen was heading for surgery, Boz put forward the controversial and indeed revolutionary idea that, if Soriano refuses to make the position switch, we should maybe start thinking that he might be a little selfish. Wow! I still don't know what I think of this. I mean, shouldn't we give the guy a chance before we call him selfish? Bodes knew what he was doing, after all.

By the way, I hear regularly that Boswell may be a ridiculous homer but a great writer. I'm not saying that's wrong, but how do we explain this?

Someday, in the encyclopedias where nicknames are included, does he want to risk the moniker Alfonso (AWOL) Soriano?

He was up against a deadline, maybe? Carbon monoxide leak? My theory: he went back and read that thing about SWAGGER. You'd have to be Sgt. Rock to get through that without getting at least a little tiny concussion.

One last thing, and this goes out to all the Cards fans. I have a feeling this might be your year!