Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Alpha to Omicron

I've been idly daydreaming quite a lot about Mets getting hit by pitches. And daydreaming is as far as it'll get, thanks to the strict policies of the Man. But anyway, I was thinking about the justice of it. Felix Rodriguez hit Paul Lo Duca, but the real target should be Pedro Martinez. Then, however, I remembered Lo Duca lying to the umpire about tagging Soriano in the season opener and decided he deserved it. So if Pedro isn't the only one of these guys who needs to get plunked, how do we know we're throwing at the right guys? I decided to categorize it in the manner of the ancient Chinese classification of animals I was babbling about on my birthday for a reason I have no chance of remembering.

New York Mets Worthy of Pelotical Assault
(a) Those with last names as first names
(b) Those whose pillows would burn for days
(c) Baptists
(d) Those who look like Kris Benson
(e) Those who work as slowly as Kris Benson
(f) Senior citizens
(g) Those with Rafael Palmeiro moustaches
(h) Those who end innings
(i) Lefties
(j) Others
(k) Victor Diaz
(l) Those who hate America
(m) Tall ones
(n) Those whose internal temperature is 98.6° Farenheit
(o) Those named after comic book characters

I expect the Nationals to print out this list and provide it to all the pitchers. Pitchers: when you see a Met, consult the list. If he fits even one of the above categories, throw a fastball at his head.

About the game: I don't want to talk about it. It appears that the Nats failed to "strap it on," unless that actually means what I first thought when I saw it. It's just the latest humiliation, and I hope I get used to it pretty soon. Being a Nats fan is like doing all your shopping at the dollar store: everything's cheap and terrible.

3 comments:

Chris Needham said...

The Mets certainly strapped it on before giving us the ol' high hard one today.

Homer J. said...

You just strap it in and feel the cheese.

El Gran Color Naranja said...

It's a crying shame if Nady's nickname isn't "The Professor".