In Phases

Just so you know, this is what it looks like when I post in spite of having nothing -- maybe less -- to say. Remember this during my next unexplained two-week hiatus.

Rick Short is following in the footsteps of Chad Rowan, Brock Lesnar, and King Kong.

Infielder Rick Short, arguably the most popular member of the Nationals because of his long journey to the big leagues, told MLB.com on Friday that he will not play for the team in 2006. Short's contract is expected to be sold to the Tohoku Rakuten Golden Eagles of Japanese Baseball League. Short said an announcement will be made soon.

Too bad we didn't have any room on the bench for a dirt-cheap .300-hitting right hander. Guess there just wasn't anywhere to stash him what with Marbert Fickerson taking up so much space.

Above: Artist's conception of Rick Short's arrival in Japan and formal greeting by officials from the Tohoku Rakuten Golden Eagles.

Now this is some good internet.

Will Carroll is just insufferable. Every so often, he stands up, clears his throat, and exhorts all bloggers to greater heights ("Why can’t someone do some actual reporting or at least fact-checking?"). He knows everyone hates it, but that won't stop him.

Over the past couple years and in the various incarnations of this blog, I've said things about bloggers and in nearly every case, I've gotten blasted far and wide.

I don't think Will realizes why, so let me suggest a reason: Will, you are a liar, a huckster, and a very bad writer. Sure, you've managed to scheme your way into getting paid for your nonsense, but that's no reflection on your ability and doesn't make it any less insulting that you're trying to help us. No one wants advice from you.

Of course, that implies that I care about most of this blasting, which couldn't be further from the truth.

That's a relief. Here I was feeling guilty.

I have two jobs - generate content and generate interest. It's best when I can do both, but doing one or the other has some value as well.

This sounds to me like an admission that Carroll will lie to get publicity. And to quote the man directly, "I wish I could give you more, but you know what a . . . whore I am." If only all whores were so forthright! Anyway, he bleats on for a while, then this:

Some come and go, like Aaron Gleeman, who's output is still prolific and appeals to me in phases. People think I don't like Aaron - even Aaron sometimes - but I do. I have high hopes for him.

Is it pathetic or hilarious that Will thinks he's attained such rarified heights that the merest nod of his mighty head makes the earth tremble? He doles out praise, but he can't be too effusive; you want to give young Gleeman something to strive for. You may please only him in phases, Aaron, but to be mentioned at all by the mighty Carroll is an honor that many would die for. And what the hell does "appeals to me in phases" mean, anyway? Is it a menstrual thing?

I was charged with a "guest writer" program at BP this off-season and for the most part, it's been a miserable failure. I looked at the list of the top ten and aimed for all ten, plus some people from outside the sphere. I got nearly nothing.

Very professional. "Hey all you guys I hired to write for BP: Fuck y'all. You appealed to me not even in phases. I have spoken. Love, Will. PS. You should have done some actual reporting or at least fact-checking like your hero, me."

John Sickels wants to know what you think of Bodes.

Punishment, Reward

A vision of 2005: the old man sits in the dugout. He gazes at the field, oppressed by age and constant bewilderment,. His only solace is that once -- once -- he was better than any of the men he watches. And he hates them. He hates their money, their vigor, their insistence on speaking Spanish and not listening to him. So he sits back, folds his arms, and thinks about his new golf clubs. First he thinks about playing golf with those clubs, but that reverie soon transforms into a delicious, guilty fantasy in which he holds one of the clubs -- the sand wedge -- and takes it upside Tony Tavares' head. He snaps out of the daydream as next to him, Eddie puts on . . . well, something. Hit and run, probably. Something happens on the field; people boo. Ah, but those clubs . . .

Prepare for many, many reenactments of that scenario, as Frank Robinson will be getting paid for another 162 games of desperately trying to stay awake. I think Frank's a godawful manager, but you probably already knew that. It's not even his (or his bench coach's) tactical and strategic decisions that bother me more -- not that they don't annoy me -- but he just doesn't have the attitude to manage. It's one thing to be tough -- Bobby Cox yanking a loafing Andruw Jones out of the game in mid-inning comes to mind -- it's another to be cranky. When Robinson humiliates and complains about his pitchers or when he insults Ryan Zimmerman, what purpose does it serve, other than making Frank feel a little better and giving me something to get on my high horse about? So yeah, he's awful and we'd all be better off if they paid him to "consult" or something. You know, subsidize his golf game in exchange for trotting him out at the All-Star Game.

The fun part is the lying.

"We felt our organization made positive strides last year, improving from 67 wins to 81 wins, being in first place as late as July, being in a pennant race until the second week of September," General Manager Jim Bowden said. "We're pleased Frank's strong leadership will be back."

Sure, Bodes. Sure. In case we forgot that all was not hunky-dory with the Nats in 2005, Svrluga reminds us.

The decision, though, was agonizing for both sides, according to sources with knowledge of the situation. Some high-ranking Nationals front-office members occasionally become frustrated with Robinson's strategic maneuvers.

And as if to underscore that message, management took a step equivalent to moving a rowdy student to a desk in the corner away from his friends by firing all his buddies.

Organizational sources have indicated for weeks that changing some coaches was a condition of Robinson's return. . . Hitting coach Tom McCraw, first base coach Don Buford, third base coach Dave Huppert, bullpen coach Bob Natal and roving instructor Jack Voigt were all fired.
. . .
[Robinson] was stung by some of the departures. McCraw and Buford, both former teammates of Robinson, are two of Robinson's closest friends.

It's all part of following a third-world franchise. No owner, low payroll, and a manager who would have been fired just about anywhere else. I certainly don't blame Tavares for this decision; there wasn't much else he could do. I warn him, though, to avoid Frank when he's got a sand wedge.

How did I celebrate my birthday, you ask? Well, it's traditional in my family to do nothing that hasn't been described in a song by the Birthday Party, so after the ice cream and jelly, it's time for heroin and John Milton. Here's the song.

The Immaculate Dog Chair

There's not much to talk about except that adiumstay iascofay I'm ignoring, but the hell with it. It's my birthday and I don't have to entertain you people. In fact, you should be entertaining me. Find an animal that doesn't fit into this system of classification:

(a) those that belong to the Emperor,
(b) embalmed ones,
(c) those that are trained,
(d) suckling pigs,
(e) mermaids,
(f) fabulous ones,
(g) stray dogs,
(h) those that are included in this classification,
(i) those that tremble as if they were mad,
(j) innumerable ones,
(k) those drawn with a very fine camel's-hair brush,
(l) others,
(m) those that have just broken a flower vase,
(n) those that resemble flies from a distance.

And what could be more birthdayish than my favorite birthday song, "Happy Birthday" by the Birthday Party? Do yourself a favor and get it here. That's my present to you, the reader. It's no dog chair, but it's the best I can do.

Learning

Say what you will about Jim Bowden (and I really mean that -- don't let that comment verification thingy stop you), but he's making the most of this hands-on work experience he's getting. Maybe he's not perfect or even better than awful, but he's learning on the job.

. . . the Nationals announced the addition of utility man Robert Fick, who was signed to a one-year, $850,000 contract to back up at first base, in the outfield and even serve as a third catcher.

I guess this means the Marlon Anderson thing was a practice run. Bowden, just like, say, Richie Rich, pretty obviously doesn't know what things should cost, but he's trying to learn. He gave Anderson two years and literally almost millions of dollars. Somebody told him that didn't make sense (I know I did, but my opinion doesn't carry much weight in the RFK trailer), so he tried again. We got another defensively useless left-handed pinch hitter with no power, but at half the cost. All in all, I'd rather have Fick. He's more patient, and I suppose his novelty catching gimmick is slightly handier than Marlon Anderson's second base thing, given the rest of the roster (current second baseman count: 12. Or so. I didn't look it up).

But we have both, and it's not totally bad. Suppose we have a man on, the pitcher up, a righty pitching, no lefties ready in the bullpen, and a baserunner fast enough that we only need a single. We're ready! But wait: what if a couple innings later, the exact same situation comes up? Most teams could take advantage once, but we're in a position to jump on it twice per game. So once they go ahead and expand rosters to 50 players, this is a damn masterstroke.

Also in Nats News:

• Joey Eischen's back. One year, $1.3 million. I guess we need a lefty, and the marginal value of such a player is particularly large for the Nats since we've cornered the market on lefty pinch-hitters. Eischen captured the hearts of Nats fans when he offered irrumation to Peter Angelos. I do not point this out disapprovingly.
• Bodes is working on getting Alfonso Soriano to play the outfield. Let's hope he made his pitch without resorting to his usual appalling comparisons. "Fonz, if you don't move to the outfield, you're literally crashing a plane into this team."
  
• "Sources" told Barry Svrluga that Frank Robinson, Eddie Rodriguez, and Randy St. Claire will be back. St. Claire's about the best thing we got going for us, so that's a relief. I wonder how Bodes is going to fill the rest of those coaching jobs. "You're turning down the third base coach job? Be symbolic. You should have told me on September 11, because that's what you're doing."
• The Nats signed a bunch of catchers to minor league deals. This reminds me of the geography and demographics of McKey, Oklahoma in that I don't care.
  

I'm Doing the Time of My Life!

Not much to talk about today, aside from that thing I'm not calling a fiasco. Not because it's not, mind you. It's a stylistic thing. Anyway, MLB.com's Bill Ladson has another bad mailbag column, but I don't get upset about that anymore. I might as well pitch a fit every time Family Circus isn't funny. I guess there a few bits worth mockery. Ladson has selected some questions so dumb that they make him look like a damn genius, backing up my theory that he gets his questions from the same place the titans of journalism behind Parade Magazine's Personality Parade get theirs. Which is a long-winded way of saying that he makes them up.

With Miguel Tejada apparently wanting to get traded, what are the chances of the Nationals getting him for Jose Vidro and Cristian Guzman? That would open up second base for Soriano.
-- Tom P., Burlington, Ontario

Good idea, "Tom P." Then we can send Jamey Carroll and Jose Rijo to St. Louis for that Pujols guy -- we need a backup for Nick, after all. Here are parts of two Ladson answers:

That proposed trade will not happen because Vidro is hurt . . .

It's going to be impossible to trade Vidro because he is hurt right now.

Oh, come on, Bill. It's a pretty thin column to begin with, you don't even write half of it, and you're padding.

However, of the three the Nationals traded, I hated to see Terrmel Sledge go, because I believe he is going to be a star in the Major Leagues.

Sledge is going to be 29 next year and has yet to do jack in the majors. Name me one "star in the Major Leagues" who hadn't done anything by that point in his career. Monte Irvin doesn't count.

Brad Wilkerson is a great person and team player, but he must cut down on the strikeouts.

Yeah, well we didn't exactly trade him for Tony Gwynn. To be fair, Wilkerson strikes out even more than Soriano, and it's not a small difference either -- 20-30 a year. (By the way, why is Sledge going to be a star? "He can hit all types of pitching and doesn't strike out much." The man's obsessed.)

Maybe a change of scenery will work wonders for him.

This could well be true, but Ladson doesn't bother to tell you why. Does he know?

In completely hilarious news, Sidney Ponson is going to prison.

Just another number: Prisoner 1204 locked down in the belly of the beast.

It looks like the Man is taking away that saw he brought with him, so somebody should get him a keg of beer with a file in it. It won't take him long to get to the bottom, and maybe he can save us from spending $40 million on Jarrod Washburn.

What the Fick?

Things have calmed down a bit after the post-Soriano trade hysteria. All we can do is wait to see if Alfonso really is the Tank McNamara nightmare of a selfish player he looks like so far. Meanwhile, the Nats are picking at the scraps left over from the free agent feast devoured by the GMs at the winter meetings. My promise to you: no more metaphors in this post. There may be a simile or a hysteron-proteron or something, though. I'm a painter, and I need my colory things that I paint with. The Post:

An organizational source said the Nationals were pursuing free agent Robert Fick, a former all-star with Detroit who played last year for San Diego. Fick could be a backup both in the outfield and at first base, and the Nationals particularly need someone to play behind first baseman Nick Johnson. In parts of eight major league seasons, Fick, 31, hit .260 with 65 homers and 299 RBI. He hit .265 for the Padres in 2005.

Those italics the Post are doing now are rather off-putting. Are they trying to look like an 18th century broadsheet? Anyway, I don't get Fick. We already have Marlon Anderson, who does exactly what Fick does: pinch hits, puts up some pretty unimpressive batting lines, sometimes stands in the field with a glove on his hand. Fick has this novelty gimmick thing he does where he catches sometimes, and if we're going to use him as a backup catcher, that would at least be zany. Sure, he's a lefty and Schneider's a lefty, but look: it's Robert Fick . . . catching! Plus he's some kind of dirty player bastard, but I can't be bothered to look it up.

The Nationals also are pursuing right-hander Brett Tomko, who would be a fallback measure should the club be unable to sign some of the higher-priced free agents . . .

Looks like the Nats are scraping the bottom of the . . . that would be a metaphor, wouldn't it? Restart: Looks like the Nats are desperate for pitching and lost out on the guys they actually wanted (that's the hysteron-proteron). Given that the market is allowing forty-something Kenny Rogers to get two years and $16 million, it's probably for the best that we're missing out on the big names. In fact, there aren't any actual big names out there, only guys whose names are (figuratively) big in comparison to, say, Brett Tomko. Tomko pitches a lot of innings -- over 190 in each of the last four years -- and has a shot to maybe post an average ERA. He's the poor man's Brian Lawrence, and that can be an okay thing, depending on the price. Give him another Esteban Loaiza deal and expect less than Estevey gave us.

Someday I'll write my Washington Nationals alternate history. Maicer Izturis at shortstop, Bob Watson as GM, and manager Rickey Henderson's job in danger owing to differences with new owner Scrooge McDuck. Now I've got another coulda been:

Before acquiring Soriano, the Nationals balked at a three-way trade that would have landed them Reds outfielder Wily Mo Pena, with Blue Jays pitcher Miguel Batista going to the Reds and Nationals outfielder Brad Wilkerson going to the Jays.

Anyone who read my violent reaction and subsequent violent reaction to someone else's less than violent reaction to the Soriano trade can guess what I think of this. Soriano: 29-year-old bad defensive player with power, speed, no strike zone restraint, and a $10 million salary under club control for one year. Pena: 23-year-old good defensive player with power, speed, no strike zone restraint, and a sub-$1 million salary under club control for . . . hell, I don't know. Years. Pena is something of an unknown quantity, having not yet put in a full major league season. We know he hits for power and strikes out. He and Soriano have a similar offensive profile, but Pena is more desirable in pretty much every way. It can be argued that Soriano's a better short-term move, but we shouldn't be making short-term moves. A 23-year-old power hitter who brings defense, saves us money, and -- though he's been known to bitch -- would be playing the position he wants to play would have been a much better return for Wilkerson & Co. Hell, I might even pick this over Option C: keep Wilk.

But we must consider motive, since that makes it so much easier to attack baseball executives personally. The Soriano trade is a no-lose situation for Jim Bowden. If it works out (by which I mean, "if Soriano hits 30 homers, avoids openly warring with Frank, and then bolts"), he has some resume-padding for his next job. If it doesn't, well, shit -- he's going to be out of here anyway after the team is bought. At least he got his name in the papers and some sweet lovin' from Boswell.

Let's take a spin around the Natmosphere. If I may say so, I've been doing a splendid job of ignoring the whole stadium lease . . . well, I shouldn't say fiasco. Everyone says fiasco. Anyway, go to pretty much all the other blogs for that stuff. Spinnin':

• OMGWTFLOL has a great description of Boswell:

  Tom Boswell is no longer a journalist, not as far as the Nats are concerned. Having seen baseball leave DC, he won’t be party to it happening again. In response, he has become a salesman for the Nats. Before almost every WP column he puts on his loud sportcoat and wide tie and tries to convince you that the broken window is free airconditiong, that the different color side door is “stylish”, and that Crisitian Guzman could possibly hit .290 in 2006.

  There's more, but I didn't want to take the whole thing.
• Capitol Punishment is on a crusade to prove that you can't say Soriano's crappy based on park effects. You can still say he's crappy because he makes twice as much as Brad Wilkerson and is ten times as much of a pain in the ass. Here's part one.
• Speaking of part ones (parts one?), Nats Triple Play is reviewing Jim Bowden's first year on the job. Here's part one.
• Banks of the Anacostia tries to find a loving home for Jose Vidro.
• Basil attended a wrestling show.
  

A Bitter Postscript

It's 24 hours later, and I have yet to see a defense of the Soriano/Wilkerson 'n' Friends trade that was even close to convincing. So I'm going to take out my wrath on a really incompetent one. DCist felt the need to weigh in on the transaction, and while it's not as intricately insane as a Boswell column, it's short enough that I can rip it up without hurting my puzzler. I'm skipping the first paragraph so as not to nitpick, only mentioning that it's a classic example of action being mistaken for improvement.

But the Washington front office pulled the trigger on a doozie this week, bringing in former Yankee and Texas Ranger Alfonso Soriano, in a move that makes the Nats' lineup much more dangerous and much faster on the basepaths.

Faster, yes. Soriano is not a better hitter than Wilkerson. He's even less a better hitter than Wilkerson plus Terrmel Sledge.

In Soriano's five full years as a major leaguer, he's averaged over 30 homers and 30 steals a year as an infielder, where he's shown great ability and range.

Allow me to present two statements I feel are equivalent to this one: Livan Hernandez has averaged over 230 innings over the last six years, but he's really known for his matinee idol good looks. DCist furnishes exhaustive coverage of cake stores and the local indie music scene while providing insightful and well-researched sports coverage.

Author Ryan Avent provided no proof that Soriano has "shown great ability and range," so I feel like a cad defending the opposite (correct) position by using them; I'll keep it short. According to Baseball Prospectus, Soriano has never had even an average year at second. Win Shares -- and keep in mind that that's a counting stat -- has Soriano with fewer defensive Shares than the proverbially bad Jose Vidro, even though Vidro only played half a season. Anyway, he's awful.

The knocks on him are his penchant for swinging at high fastballs, breaking balls away, passing blimps, and anything else that catches his eye while he's in the batter's box, and he's known for dogging it in the field when he gets tired . . .

That's fine. Let's move on.

. . .but Frank Robinson is a motivator who's sure to get the most out of his new plaything.

For one that, "his new plaything" is really creepy. Stop saying it. For another, Frank isn't a motivator, he's a dickhead who gets along with Jose Guillen.

It's likely that Alfonso will spend time in the outfield anyway, given All-Star Jose Vidro's status as an elite second baseman.

Does Avent watch the games, or just simulate them on a Playstation? Those of us who watched them remember that Jose Vidro wasn't in all that many of them. Sure, he's an elite video game second baseman: turn off injuries and don't try to steal, and you're in business.

The bigger problem here is that Avent doesn't bother to mention a potentially serious problem: Soriano wants no part of the outfield. Here's what the man himself said about it:

"I'm going to play second base," Soriano told the Fort Worth Star-Telegram Thursday. "I don't think they want me to play the outfield. I think that if they traded for me, it's to play second base. Obviously I have the control. Of course I'm not going to play the outfield."

Isn't that worth mentioning? It's not like it's top secret information that you needed inside sources to get -- some dumbass blogger mentioned it yesterday. Back to DCist:

In getting Soriano, the Nats traded away Termel Sledge . . .

Two r's in Terrmel, champ.

. . . and Brad Wilkerson, who was a fan favorite and Chevy Chase Bank spokesperson, but who struggled with his hitting down the stretch.

That's it about Wilkerson? All his accomplishments with the Nats and his status as the last Expo don't merit a mention? Nothing about his injury or on-base skills or defense? Not one damn thing in the whole article about park effects? How are you supposed to talk about this trade without at least alluding to the vast difference in hitter-friendliness between RFK and Ameriquest Field?

The deal also includes a Washington minor leaguer to be named later.

They went ahead and named the minor leaguer within an hour of the trade, if I recall correctly, and there are those who think he's pretty important to the deal. But why should he start researching all the way at the end?

It's a lousy, unresearched, rah-rah piece that provides nothing -- maybe less -- perceptive about the trade or its implications. Coming as it did the day after another DCist piece embarrassingly fantasized about the Pulitzer committee realizing the power of online media and giving DCist an award makes it not only ironic, but actually hilarious. So now I feel a little better about the whole thing.

Meanwhile, there's plenty to read -- plenty that's actually worthy of reading -- elsewhere. The Post article I referred to earlier should be read in full, as it offers a terrifying glimpse of the kind of stiff-necked me-first kind of player the guy we acquired might be.

One Rangers official defended Soriano, saying, "He is a good guy. He's certainly not a malcontent." But, he added, "They're going to have a big problem if they try to move him [to the outfield]."

If I were a Rangers blogger, I think I'd have fun with this unnamed official. "Yeah, he's great as long as you don't ask him to do anything."

Svrluga has a piece about Brad Wilkerson and his reaction to the trade. At first I felt sorry for Wilkerson, but then thought about it for a second. He's leaving a team that's not going to contend where he played next to a guy who hates him and is completely supported by the incompetent and apathetic manager and where he plays in a park that hurts his numbers and therefore his salary. You've gone to a better place, Brad.

Boswell is the most myopic and dishonest homer I've ever seen not writing under a pseudonym. I expect one of my fellow bloggers to take on this compendium of lies; I'm really not up to it. [Update: here's Basil. He's nicer than I would have been, but that's what makes him Basil.]

For a sane, intellectually honest defense of the trade, go to Banks of the Anacostia. JammingEcono is my favorite guy who disagrees with me all the time.

"I've Made a Huge Mistake"

I guess I should talk about the Soriano trade. I'll try to keep my take relatively brief, and I won't be showing a lot of my work because it's boring. "Blah blah OPS+, blah blah road splits, blah blah Value Under League Variable Average." No one wants to read that and I don't want to type it, so just trust me that I have thought this out. I hate the trade, and here's why:

Brad Wilkerson is simply a better baseball player than Alfonso Soriano. Soriano might have more power, and he's certainly faster. He plays a more vital position, though he plays it badly. Wilkerson is a better hitter -- any power difference is more than made up for in Wilkerson's willingness to take a walk once in a while (Soriano appears to be allergic). He's far more flexible, playing four different positions at least capably, and he's actually younger since Soriano got caught in that post 9-11 Dominican timewarp.

Then there's the money. Oh lord, the money. Wilkerson made about $3 million last year and is arbitration-eligible. He'll get under $5 mil for 2006. Soriano, meanwhile, made $7.5 million last year and should be around $10 mil for the next. He'll be our highest-paid player and a major drain on our payroll flexibilty. Even worse, he'll be a free agent next after 2006, while Wilkerson would have remained under our control for an extra year.

So, Wilkerson is a better player who costs half as much and we're the ones throwing in the extras? Why didn't Bowden ask the Rangers for a kick in the balls and a genital assault to be named later? Anyway, Texas also gets Terrmel Sledge and pitching prospect Armando Galarraga. We probably won't miss Sledge. I know little about Galarraga, though I've been assured that he makes this deal even worse for us -- stay tuned to Nationals Farm Authority for more on that.

So why did Bowden do it? Soriano hits a lot of homers and steals a lot of bases. Three of our main priorities this offseason were 1) pitching B) leadoff hitter and III) power hitter. Soriano can't fill the first (unless he really wants to earn his ridiculous salary), but no doubt Bodes thinks he fits the last two. He's wrong, but that's what makes him so loveable. Soriano is no leadoff hitter. His career on-base percentage is .320, and it was only .309 last year. Keep in mind, though, that whatever they're calling the Arlington ballpark favors hitters the same way Jessica Cutler favors guys with five hundred bucks to waste. Soriano's road OBP this year was .265 -- Guzman territory. He really a good base-stealer, but his on-base skills are much better suited for the ninth slot than the first. A better case can be made that Soriano's a power threat. He really does hit a lot of homers and doubles, especially for a second baseman, though once again he's helped to a stunning degree by his home park.

There are two ways the trade could turn out well. Brad Wilkerson had a bad season in 2005 as he suffered from a nerve injury in his forearm, which sapped his power. All my indignant statements this winter about Wilkerson's radness are based on the assumption that he's all better. If he's not and if his power won't return, then yeah, this is fine. The other development that could make this worthwhile is a trade of Jose Vidro. Vidro, as I've lamented time and time again, gets a very healthy paycheck as he devolves from underrated big-hitting second baseman to chubby bumbler. Things could be even worse if Vidro sticks around, since Soriano is apparently going to be thrust into the outfield. Soriano is not a good defensive player even at a position he knows all about. He's spent as much time in the outfield as I have, and he's made it known that he doesn't like the idea. Maybe he'll figure it out. Hell, maybe I'm the next Dom DiMaggio. You never know until you try.

This trade makes the Nationals older, more expensive, and worse. We've given up our best hitter -- not to mention our Nick Johnson injury insurance -- for a $10 million dollar rental who's a good bet to get on base less than 30% of the time. It's a terrible, terrible move, and we can only hope that it's Jim Bowden's last.

Operation: Hot Rumor

I know you come here for the gratuitous personal insults and special guest appearances by international superstar Professor Bacon, but I guess I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't comment on all the Hot Stove action. Yes, the stove is heatening -- literally -- in Dallas, and the increased calorific intensity of the scalding cooking device is fueled by rumors. Hot rumors. On the stove.

Here's what the Post has to say after lamenting the lost opportunity to pay $11 million smackers a year to A.J. Burnett. His wife's from Bowie and he turns us down!

"I feel it's been made very clear by the commissioner's office and by [team president] Tony Tavares that we have the dollars to go get one of these premium pitchers," [tracksuit-clad bumbler] Bowden said.

There aren't any more premium pitchers, but that's nit-picking. I, at least, am comforted by management's apparent determination to make a big signing for the sake of making a big signing. There is no flaw in that plan of attack.

The Nationals should know by Wednesday whether they are in the running for [marijuana enthusiast Matt] Morris. St. Louis must either sign Morris or offer him arbitration by Wednesday or it loses the right to negotiate with him until May 1.

Morris has long been one of my favorite players, and while my emotional attachment makes his presence on the Nats a little less nauseating than that of, say, Brett Tomko, he's going to get too much money from someone [UPDATE: more than $8 million per from SF?]. It's only a matter of time before that poor bastard's arm falls off for good.

Millwood, who had the best ERA in the American League for Cleveland last season, will almost certainly get four years and well over $40 million, and one Nationals source said the club's offer is more than that.

Eesh. Remember when Millwood was mediocre and settling for one-year deals? Dude has a fluke season and suddenly he's getting Burnett money. No thanks.

A cheaper option, but one fraught with peril, would be Rogers, the 41-year-old former Texas Ranger who was suspended for shoving a TV cameraman last summer. "It's an issue," Bowden said. Any deal would likely be for one year with incentives.

I can understand Barry Svrluga saying Rogers' arrival would be "fraught with peril" -- Kenny hates the media -- but Bodes should know better. I mean, this is the guy who brought over proven jackass Jose Guillen because his (Bowden's) kids liked him (Guillen). And there's a big difference here: Rogers slapped around a camera man. That is a bad thing to do and criminal. Guillen, on the other hand, has pissed off teammates everywhere he's been. The Angels, if you'll recall, were overjoyed to get rid of him, and he's already had it out with Brad Wilkerson. Rogers is worse from a legal and probably moral standpoint, but from a baseball standpoint, Guillen's sins are far greater. I consider there to be almost no behavioral risk in signing Rogers, though the physical ones are very real. The fact that Rogers could be had for "one year with incentives" immediately makes him a better candidate than Morris or Millwood; he's no less of a pitcher.

"Fraught with peril, huh? I'll show you fraught with peril! KENNY SMASH!!!!"

Moving on:

On other fronts, the Nationals continue to pursue Florida center fielder Juan Pierre via a trade, but Bowden said it would almost certainly have to involve another team because the Nationals don't have a good match for prospects.

Don't put yourself out, Bodes. Pierre isn't worth losing sleep over.

They continue to talk to Arizona about right-hander Javier Vazquez.

This is interesting, even beyond Frank's mutterings. Vazquez was a complete badass while in Montreal and protected by the sheltering presence of Randy St. Claire. In the two years since, he's been slightly below average, though still good for some inning-eating. We have ample evidence of St. Claire turning around the careers of Livan "¡Livan!" Hernandez and Hector "Tamer of Horses" Carrasco; could he work another miracle with Vazquez? That'd be three, which is a pretty important number when it comes to miracles.

Bowden dismissed rumors that Washington is about to swap outfielder Terrmel Sledge for San Diego leadoff man Dave Roberts, indicating that Pierre would have to be traded to another team before the Nationals went after Roberts.

I don't mind this one. I had an infatuation with Roberts that lasted about an hour and a half last winter. I'm not bully on Sledge having much of a career, and my biggest objection would be playing time: Roberts would, barring any other deals, be taking at-bats away from Ryan Church. Then again, Roberts, despite being 33 and playing in Petco Park, had easily the best year of his career in 2005 and doesn't cost much. Defensively . . . well, he's an upgrade on Preston Wilson, at least. If we're going to trade Sledge, I'd rather seem him go for something that really fills a need (i.e., pitching), but Roberts would be a good fit for RFK.

And now, what you all came for. Put your hands together and get those apples ready, here comes the Professor!

In Lieu of Talking About the Actually Important Things Going On . . .

Sometimes I get distracted by, say, a shiny object or lying megalomaniac and lose focus. Perfect example: just yesterday, I was thinking to myself, "I remember that I think everyone in Nationals management is dangerously incompetent except for Randy St. Claire. But why?" Once again, MLB.com's Bill Ladson lends a helping hand.

Manager Frank Robinson said that he is willing to manage [Javier] Vazquez again.

Well, that's big of him. Really going the extra mile there, Frank.

The two worked together in 2002 and 2003 in Montreal. When Vazquez played for the Expos, he was sometimes criticized for being too concerned about his pitch count and the lack of run support, but Robinson said that he understood why Vazquez was that way in Montreal. "A lot of pitchers are like that," said Robinson. "Pitchers that pitch their hearts out and lose tough ballgames are going to have a say about lack of run support. When it comes to pitch count, pitchers are more aware about the wear and tear on their arms. They think about their career and longevity."

Q: Hey Frank, why is Vazquez such a pussy?
A: Because he's a pitcher!

Would you hire a manager who can't stand and constantly undercuts Latin Americans? Californians? Dudes with goatees? No, of course not, and that's why it's such a mystery that an obvious pitcherphobe like Frank gets to be in charge of so many of them. There's a reason I'm not invited to speak at Will Carroll fan conventions, and that same logic should keep Frank out of the dugout.

Pinheads

The short history of the Washington Nationals is curiously intertwined with that of the Los Angeles Angels. The Expos, thanks to the intransigence of Peter Angelos and incompetence of Major League Baseball, lost good-natured slugger Vladimir Guerrero in free agency to the Angels, surely the greatest tragedy of the relocation (from the Washington fan's perspective only, of course). The link was strengthened when the Nats acquired the temperamental, mercurial Jose Guillen from the Angels in exchange for Juan Rivera (both young and promising) and Maicer Izturis. The best part, of course, was the Pine Tar Affair, when Frank Robinson -- possibly using inside info from Guillen -- got L.A. pitcher Brendan Donnelly ejected and suspended for having pine tar on his glove. Angels manager Mike Scioscia went nuts, Jose Guillen, a man hated by pretty much everyone on the other side, tied the game with a homer, and the Nats went on to win. Afterwards, Frank called himself the Intimidator and Scioscia fumed about it. Their feud was paralleled in the sad, sort of assy-smelling world of blogs, as Angels and Nationals bloggers revealed themselves to be frothing halfwits and smug jerk-offs, respectively.

It's all merely coincidence, but it's odd how often I find myself thinking about the Angels. And now they have another former Expo/National to dance with them on their pinhead, as Hector Carrasco has struck gold in California.

The Washington Nationals lost their second pitcher in a week yesterday when right-hander Hector Carrasco , a valuable setup man who started games late in the season, signed a two-year, $6.1 million deal with the Los Angeles Angels.

Let me state once again that I'm appalled by the fact that we don't have an owner. Boondoggle, national disgrace, all that. Yet the actual damage done to the team is hard to detect. So far, it's saved us from probably overpaying for one pitcher and definitely, wildly overpaying for this one. I sort of talked about Carrasco before, and I think I actually made some sense in among all the nonsense about magic and goats. Basically, he's not going to have a 2-ish ERA again and probably won't be an effective starter again, but I figured he was going to get paid as though these things were at least a pretty good possibility. And I was right! So have fun with Hector, Angels fans, and hope that "deadly changeup" Randy St. Claire taught him sticks. I predict you're all going to forget about him pretty quickly (check out the paltry notice the signing got in this very special Angels blog), and then one day in 2007 you're going to check out the team's payroll, and here's what you're going to say: "3 million for Hector Carrasco?! Great Caesar's ghost!" Or something like that.

As for us, here's the advice I had a month ago:

. . . take the Carrasco and Loaiza money and give it to Kenny Rogers, who's actually good and brings with him the intriguing possibility of someone getting his ass kicked.

He's still out there, still handsome, and still pissed off at the Fourth Estate. If anyone can do something about Thom Loverro and Mike Wise, it's Rogers.

Speaking of idiots who write for a living, which Will Carroll is more annoying: asshole braggart Will?

One of the best things about my job is getting to do things that most of us wish we could. Talk to players? Attend the World Series sans a new mortgage? Write about baseball? Tell people "I'm at work" when sitting at the ballpark? Check.

Or the Will who uses a legitimately tear-jerking remembrance of a dead friend written by someone else to position himself as the Rosa Parks of baseball writing?

I've ceased hoping that the BBWAA will open their doors to us, yet I still lobby and dream. Like I told a GM recently, "you don't have to talk to me or read your column, but there's a kid out there who will have your job someday who does. I'm writing for him and hoping he remembers me."

Those are some pretty selfless noises coming out of a gasbag so desperate for official recognition that he used a bunch of references to Lewis Carroll and Carroll County to prove that he's teh biggest thing on teh internet. No, he's only doing it for the children, which is why he threatened to start fixing games if he didn't get his BBWAA card.

Above, center: A lying, megalomaniacal charlatan windbag flanked by the people he does it all for: the children.

The Good Days

It's a shame when news like this hits when I'm in my Annoyed Disinterest mode.

. . . Robinson is likely to be asked back but he will have to make major changes to his coaching staff if he wants to return.

Yeah, whatever. This is awful, of course. On my personal list of Most Incompetent Nationals, Frank is second; he's behind Guzman and just ahead of Ron Darling. I've railed on Frank time and time and time again, and there's no need to into it again now. Suffice it to say that his apathy is matched only his irritability and that his continued presence can have no possible benefit.

The upside exists, as do so many of the best things life has to offer, only in our imaginations (or, if we're lucky, in the papers). Remember what we assumed was Tony Tavares' farewell to Frank?

There are leadership issues within the locker room. There are guys who have to stand up and show better leadership. Frankly, our coaching staff has to show better leadership.

That was just part of it. He bitched and bitched about Frank, and it was the most fun I've had since the season ended. So even if this winter is a complete loss, as it will be, we can at least take comfort in the fact that Wilkerson and Guillen won't be the only two Nats who hate each other.

So even though Frank will still be around to demean our pitchers and bunt our way out of games, let's try to remember the good days.

Ronny Cedeno?!

I don't make up the rumors, I just complain about them.


"Even I think that's a bad idea, and I'm a lugnut! Hee hee!"

Vaya . . . Con Dios

All in all, this is probably a good thing for my precious credibility. No one made me look dumber than Esteban Loaiza. I was positive that the guy was going to suck, as this post (later mangled beyond recognition in the Washington Post) made clear. Anyway, it's too bad that the Nationals' ridiculous ownership prevented the team from making a serious attempt to keep Loaiza, but Esteban just isn't the kind of guy I can get that excited about. He's getting $21 million and three years from Oakland, and it's not breaking my heart or even irritating me a little bit that it's not my team doing that. Plus we get a draft pick!

So I've already moved on. Where does this leave the Nats? Well, we need pitching. Right now, we're looking at ¡Livan!/John Patterson/Brian Lawrence/Ryan Drese/Jon Rauch, and that's damn shaky. ¡Livan!'s indestructible, and Lawrence should be fine. Drese and Rauch, however, are coming off injuries, and Rauch has never demonstrated an ability to stay healthy. Patterson's 2005 saw him pitch far more innings that he ever had in a year (198 versus 140 in 2003), and that's enough to worry me. We need depth -- someone's going to get hurt, and there's no reason to think Hector Carrasco can bail us out again if he's even still around. Our non-Esteban alternatives have been investigated by Capitol Punishment, Capitol Punishment, and Banks . . . Anacostia (no way I'm typing that out every time). I'm a Kenny Rogers man myself, and my advocacy is serious, not just a reason to cast Elliot Gould as Needham. The real issue, of course, is can we afford any of these jockjaws?

And that's why I'm really worried. The Nats had offered $4 million a year to Loaiza, an offer which, if Esteban has any pride, no doubt earned Nationals management a hearty string of Spanish swears. His departure frees up at least that much, and my first reaction when I puzzled this out was "Sweet! We can keep Wilkerson or sign Paul Byrd or something!" Then I realized who's in charge and started swearing in Spanish. Jim Bowden isn't a guy I trust with money. Among his other attributes, Bodes is known for his yearning for former Reds and mediocre outfielders and for his willingness to force his manager to scrape by with three starters. Esteban Loaiza's generous new contract could well set off a chain of events that results in the long-delayed beginning of the Juan Encarnarcion Era.

Boswell has chimed in on the situation.

So, the Nats can sign anybody they want. As long as he's lying in the remainders bin or the damaged-goods box. That's where GM Jim Bowden found Loaiza and Jose Guillen last year. He signed them late and cheap because nobody else wanted them much. But can lightning strike again?

The Nats traded for Jose Guillen, dumbass, they did not sign him "late and cheap." I'm sure Boz is just guessing as to how Guillen got here. It's tough to figure out when you think Juan Rivera's still around.

kill rock stars

Did we all have a nice Thanksgiving? Yes? Not you Canadians -- you had your fun last month. I had a good time. I met someone who was only three days old. She didn't have much to say for herself.

One of the most unpleasant stories this offseason has been the burial and probable disposal of Brad Wilkerson, a good player and a good guy (as far as I know) who's been unfairly nailed on the official site whenever Bill Ladson stops Googling himself long enough to file a story. But things might not be as bad as my natural pessimism and low opinion of Jim Bowden have made them look. George Solomon quotes Bowden:

We need another starting pitcher and to upgrade the center field position so we can play Brad Wilkerson elsewhere.

So I feel a little better, but only a little. I take some comfort in the fact that back in January, I was positive that Nick Johnson was on his way out.

I'm not one of those blogger triumphalists. I have delusions of replacing the mainstream sports media or even the vaguest desire to. Barry Svrluga is a better reporter than I could ever hope to be, and I couldn't dream of emulating Tom Boswell's schmaltzy sentimentality and willfull homer blindness. I'm funnier than Thom Loverro, but he writes for the Times, which barely counts -- I'm not comparing myself to writers from the Prince George's County Gazette or the Washington Blade, and the Times is sort of on the bubble. It does bother me, though, when a major metropolitan newspaper employs someone whose job could done far better by just about any blogger -- indeed, by any person at all. This is a roundabout way of bitching about Mike Wise's latest column in the Post. Nate over at the Triple Play is all over it and implies that we're supposed to have already realized we hate this guy. I'm not saying he's wrong, it's just that I don't remember anything else Wise has said. I'll skip over the really offensive bits and underline this, reminding you that the man is being paid by a widely respected media outlet for this opinion.

The point is, it's getting late in the game. It's time to pick someone in this race, and I don't care what Selig is thinking. I'm going with Smulyan in the hopes he can bring in a rock star like Theo to lure some rock-star players.

Honestly, the worst blogger in the world couldn't help but do better than that.

Above: Sandfrog featuring rock-star player Scott Spiezio (center)

As long as I'm discussing the Nature and Purpose of Blogging, I'll mention this. For the longest time, there was only one thing I could be proud of in my blogging career: the results of this Google search. That's all changed now that Washingtonienne hates me. And just in case her desperate searches for people being mean to her on teh internet bring her here, allow me to state for the record: no, dear, I'm not Dayn Perry. But you should hate him too.

I'm Thankful For . . .

¡Livan!

adopt your own virtual pet!

Easy Targets


Working Together for a Radder America


Japanese Baseball


Barry Svrluga (Artist's Depiction)


Dutch!


My Fellow Bloggers. And finally . . .


You, the Reader. Happy Thanksgiving!

The Neat Thing About Blogs

You're at the bottom of the food chain. Your opinion carries no weight and you're free to say whatever you want because no one's paying attention. The advantage here is that you have nothing to lose. If someone who has a real job in the area you're blogging about -- say, a widely ignored sports columnist for a joke of a local paper -- acknowledges your existence, you've already won, regardless of the tone of the acknowledgment. When that acknowledgment combines a remarkable bitterness with an obvious and complete ignorance of what the acknowledger is annoyed with -- in the manner of your grandfather complaining about that damn hippity hop music -- it's a double victory. So the score stands: Nats Bloggers 2, Thom Loverro 0.

Imitatio Fortium

More than anything, it's the feeling of betrayal. I thought Bodes and I had an understanding: he'd stop doing stupid things while he pursued the Red Sox job, and I'd stop calling him names and talk him up to Larry Lucchino. For a while at least, Bodes certainly held up his end: the Vinny Castilla/Brian Lawrence got me about as excited as a swap of such inconsequential players could. But by doing something so Bowdenesque as giving two years and nearly as many millions of dollars to a player whose best defensive position is "pinch hitter," he stabbed me in the back. No wonder my reaction was so swift and so embarrassingly emphatic.

That's not to say it was incorrect. You want a guy who can hit for average and not play defense? Rick Short is right there working for the Major League Baseball equivalent of free. Say what you will about Marlon Anderson's pinch-hitting effectiveness or his amazing ability to stand at any one of four different positions with a glove on one of his hands, he is simply not the kind of baseball player to whom you guarantee employment. The Mets didn't do it in 2005, the Cardinals didn't do it before that, and those teams have a lot more payroll flexibility than we do. Hell, the Nats didn't even do it last year with Carlos Baerga, last year's Marlon Anderson. It's like pudding. Everybody likes pudding, right? Our lives would be grimmer without it. But no one's paying 500 bucks for a Snack Pack.

The Atlanta Braves are an operation worth imitating, and the Nationals appear to be aware of this. However, instead of emulating the Braves' hugely effective scouting, their tradition of having a competent and interested manager, or even their refreshingly un-Fox-like TV broadcasts, the Nats have adopted a less pleasing Braves custom: dressing up like a damn signal flare once a week.

Just in time for Christmas, suckers!

And now it's time for me to do my duty as an upstanding citizen of Natsylvania. We have been instructed to humiliate Bud Selig with a Google-bomb, which is one of those things you can do on the internet and is almost impossible to explain to your parents. I'll let Rocket explain. So here we go: National Disgrace. And now that's out of the way, I'm going into business for myself: Charlatan. Pervert. Jon Rauch. Condescending Schismatic. Professor Bacon. Buffoon. I Love Derek Jeter. Asshole. Not Worth Forty Dollars. Buzz Machine. America's Sweetheart. Dutch. Dutch. Dutch.

Hey Bodes (Featuring Swears!)

Is this supposed to impress the Red Sox, you dumb fucker?

Free agent Marlon Anderson agreed to a $1.85 million, two-year deal with the Washington Nationals on Friday.

Remember when Vidro was out and we brought in Junior Spivey, who did nothing and then got hurt? Anderson makes Spivey look like Frankie Fucking Frisch, the Fucking Fordham Flash.

Marlon Anderson can't hit (career .265/.314/.385) and he can't field. He's a spare part for a spare part and exactly the kind of guy you're not supposed give two guaranteed years. Remember Moneyball? Billy Beane's success isn't just because of fancy SABR stats and slapping Milos on people and microchips and stuff, it's because he doesn't do silly shit like this. Anderson can't play and doesn't fill a need. We have Brendan Harris, who I foolishly thought was going to get a chance this year. We have loveable Jamey Carroll. We have Damian Jackson and Rick Short. What the hell can Marlon Anderson do that these guys can't? You can stick him in the outfield, as the Cardinals did when he got beat out for the second base job by Tony Womack in '04, but why would you? Well, I suppose a two-year contract will answer that question to Frank's satisfaction. You dumb fucker.

Above: The face the enemy. Also the cheesy baseball tie of the enemy.

Play Deep

Ah, outfielders! They seem to be quite the topic of conversation lately, and I won't let my not having anything to say stop me from saying anything.

Brad Wilkerson seems like a good guy, and I want him to be with people who love him. Since the management of Nationals is completely focused on the one goddamn thing he can't do (not strike out), maybe it would be better for him to seek his fortune in Seattle. At least they want him -- check out this perhaps too enthusiastic scouting report. Author Dr. D makes the important point that Wilkerson's 2005 is less indicative of his actual ability than are the years preceding it. You know that, and I know that, but it can't hurt to harp on it, since you never know when Bill Ladson's going to Google himself and maybe learn something new.

But check the young Brian Giles, up until he exploded - perfect comp. As Shandler indicates, Wilkerson has an outside chance to explode like Giles did.

See that, Bodes? That's not a prediction, it's a fucking prophecy. If you trade Wilkerson, he will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

Milton Bradley doesn't seem like such a good guy, but he's available and sparking discussion and even a new addition to the Natlantic Natmospheric Natscape. Longtime Nats scenester JammingEcono has started By the Banks of the Mighty Anacostia and devotes his first real post to Bradley. He (JammingEcono) likes him (Bradley), especially compared to the apple of Jim Bowden's eye, Juan Encarnacion. Harper over at OMGWTFLOL, meanwhile, thinks having one batshit crazy outfielder means we may as well add another.

Having considered the issue and consulted at length with Professor Bacon, I declare myself anti-Bradley. He's not an appreciably better hitter than Wilkerson or Jose Guillen. While both Win Shares and Baseball Prospectus agree that he's a really good centerfielder, his grisly injury history makes him likely to decline or simply not play. Then there are the behavior problems -- whatever his performance on the field, his eagerness to slam down the race card and yell "Uno!" has to count against him. I'd rather have Bradley than Encarnacion -- he's a better player, and I just want Bowden to be sad -- but I don't think either one is an improvement over the outfield we have now.

Obsession Incarnate

I'm moving from Annoyed Distinterest to Annoyed Interest in case anyone's keeping track, and MLB.com's Bill Ladson is once again the catalyst. His latest offering first brings the news that Joses Vidro and Guillen are both bound for the surgeon's . . . thing. As Needham points out, this allows Ladson to indulge in some tough guy play through the pain crap. That's more Boswell's thing, and it's nice to see Bill learning from a journalist who, while I don't always agree with him or even think he's in his right mind most of the time, has at least never threatened me personally.

I want to focus on the ass-end of the article. Dig:

The Nationals are serious about getting better in the outfield and they have turned their focus to free agent Juan Encarnacion, who played for the Marlins this past season. The Nationals previously tried to acquire Encarnacion before landing Preston Wilson this past July.

Encarnacion hit .287 with 16 home runs and 76 RBIs for the Marlins in 2005. He played for general manager Jim Bowden when both were with the Reds in 2002.

Encarnacion just isn't very good, and the durability of Jim Bowden's obsession with him allows me merely to point to a months-old critique rather than do any thinking. But could Juan fit a need peculiar to this team? Earlier in the offseason in the Examiner, Bowden laid out the eight things we need to fix the Nationals this winter. Let's go through them and see if Juan fits the bill.

• 1. Starting pitcher. Nope.

• 2. Another starting pitcher. Another nope.

• 3. Left-handed reliever. Nuh-uh.

• 4. Center fielder, preferably Gold Glove-caliber. We already have three center fielders, Bodes. They may not win Gold Gloves, but you rightly traded away the one who was good enough to win one. Anyway, nope.

• 5. A big RBI bat. There is no such thing, and if there were, it wouldn't be coming with Encarnacion. Single season high for Juan? 94.

• 6. Leadoff hitter. He doesn't get on base or steal much and back in June was being sold as an RBI guy, so no.

• 7. Improved bench. Hmm. Getting Encarnacion would push Ryan Church to the bench, assuming we don't get rid of anyone else. So I guess he would help here.

• 8. Backup catcher. This is possible. I mean, who knew Hector Carrasco could start? Or that I could put on a magic show?

So giving him half a point each for 7 and 8, Juan Encarnacion is, according to Jim Bowden's own goals and the inflexible principles of Science, only 12.5% desirable. That's not too good, but Bodes isn't paying attention to Science when he's locked in like this. We saw it before with Preston Wilson. First, a rumor. A round of denunciation from all corners of the Natmosphere follows, and then silence. Months later, after we've all started to sleep peacefully again, it's sprung on us. So it will be with Encarnacion's arrival and Wilkerson's departure. We can't blame Bowden; Encarnacion was a Red when Bodes was there and he's a toolsy outfielder. Bowden can't be expected to resist that temptation, and the fault rests with those who put him in a position where he'd be expected to.

This Post Would Be More At Home In A Livejournal

When it comes to blogging about the Nationals, I have three basic moods: 1) Annoyed interest 2) Annoyed disinterest and 3) Cheerful not giving a shit. Annoyed interest results in a lot tedious, self-righteous nonsense from me about how bad -- as a manager and possibly as a person -- Frank Robinson is. Cheerful not giving a shit can be recognized by my reliance on Giant Baba and Professor Bacon. Annoyed disinterest is marked by frequent muttering under my breath and no posts, and that's where I'm headed now.

There is a part of me that's happy when Bowden makes a boneheaded trade or Frank alienates another player. I like writing about that stuff. I get to fling my invective and call Boswell a homer and just generally feel better about myself. This ownership situation, however, offers no such enjoyment. There are degrees of bullshit, and as bummed as I was when Tomo Ohka was traded, another lost offseason is too depressing to dwell on. I've resigned myself to the worst: no owner, no Theo Epstein, Randy St. Claire gets a job with the Mets or something, and Bodes exerts his interim authority by getting rid of Brad Wilkerson and handing Frank a five year contract. I liked it better when we could call Peter Angelos a bastard and get on with our lives.

Frank and Bobby

We here at Distinguished Senators (and by "we" I mean me and Professor Bacon) would like to congratulate Atlanta manager Bobby Cox on winning the National League Manager of the Year. Atlanteans may not appreciate him, but me and the Professor have the utmost respect for the excellence Cox brings year after year, and that respect has only increased after watching our own Frank Robinson stomp his way through a season like he's Godzilla (i.e., crushing Japanese people). So I thought this would be a good time to compare and contrast the two managers. Please pardon the hideousness of the columns; I'm from the humanities.

Managerial record: 2092-1603 Manager of the Year Awards: 4 World Series winner (he may have lost a couple, too) Addiction: smoking Tootsie Rolls Always looked just like this Stuck with rookie Kelly Johnson after 0 for 12 start Respected by players Uses endless, neurotic rocking of Leo Mazzone to stay awake Career homers: 9 Got rid of Bruce Chen Never actually convicted of beating his wife Sidelines as baseball coach at Oklahoma Baptist University Possibly greatest manager in the history of baseball

Managerial record: 994-1085 Manager of the Year Awards: 0 Presidential Medal of Freedom winner Addiction: golf Used to have hilarious moustache Benched rookie Brendan Harris after 3 for 9 start Respected by Tom Boswell Doesn't stay awake Career homers: 586 Got rid of Tomo Ohka and Sunny Kim Never even accused of beating Bobby Cox's wife Sidelines as mini-marathon runner Almost definitely greatest manager in the history of the 2005 Nationals

And now, to honor the other Manager of the Year winner, four rad things about Ozzie Guillen:

• He hires people to murder chickens for good luck -- just like Pedro Cerrano!
• When getting Bobby Jenks out of the bullpen, he makes the universal arm gesture for "big fat guy."
  
• He's willing to lively up a dull day with a swear- and threat-laced rant. Watch out, Magglio Ordonez, you made yourself a big enemy!

  "He's a piece of [bleep]," Guillen said. "He's another Venezuelan [bleep]. [Bleep] him. He thinks he's got an enemy? No, he's got a big one. He knows I can [bleep] him over in a lot of different ways.

  "He better shut the [bleep] up and just play for the Detroit Tigers. Why do I have to go over and even apologize to him? Who the [bleep] is Magglio Ordonez? What did he ever do for me? He didn't do [bleep] for me. But he said I'm his enemy -- he knows me. Tell him he knows me, and he can take it how he wants to take it.

  "Did he play good for me? Yes, he did. Did he play hard for me? Yes, he did. He might like me. He might be sensitive of me. He might be jealous of me, I don't know why. But saying I'm his enemy, he hates me, I could care less what that [bleep] thinks. I don't give a [bleep] what he does with the rest of his life. He [bleep] with the wrong guy, and he knows that, too. He knows for a fact that he [bleep] with the wrong people.''

• But beneath the pissed-off, barely intelligible exterior, he's all about the love.
  

A Launcher Transformed

The Yankees want Brad Wilkerson, as well they should. I don't see it happening, but that won't stop me from giving advice to someone who will never see it and would ignore it if he did. There is no pressing need to trade Wilkerson, strikeouts aside. Whatever he gets in arbitration, it won't break the bank. He's not holding back a more deserving player, and he's not a Milton Bradley-style headache or anything. I don't know what the Yanks would offer, but I probably wouldn't like it. There's been a lot of talk about Brian Cashman asserting his authority and trying to stop Steinbrenner from doing the absolute stupidest goddamn thing all the time, and that means no Robinson Cano or Tiger Wang for us. Perhaps, as Needham suggests, other teams could be involved. But if I know know Bodes, all that's going to mean is Juan Encarnacion (or, if you're a professional sports broadcaster, "Encarnarcion"). Of course, ears should be kept open, particularly if the magic words "Vernon" and "Wells" are uttered, but there's no reason to hurry on this or to take action at all if a great deal doesn't present itself. In other words, don't you fucking go all Preston Wilson on us again, Bodes.

Hector Carrasco got me to thinking about the coaching staff, just as he once made me think about my improbably successful magic show in the old barn. Bodes recently told the coaches that it would be wise to get while the getting's good, and set a fine example of what he expects them to do by pursuing a better job. Near as I can tell, the staff consists of Frank Robinson's lackeys, and it's no skin off my ass to see them leave. Except, of course, for pitching coach Randy St. Claire. St. Claire has been lauded previously here and elsewhere for turning ¡Livan! into an actually good pitcher by changing his arm angle -- the Rob Neyer article that described the process is now behind the subscription wall, but here it is in French and here it is Babelfished back into English. And now we have Carrasco chiming in with this:

Carrasco reiterated on Tuesday that he wants to stay with the Nationals because they were the team that gave him his first chance to pitch in important games. He also made it clear that he wants pitching coach Randy St. Claire to return to the team. St. Claire, whose contract expired on Oct. 31, taught Carrasco to throw a deadly changeup.

"I hope the negotiations work out because I want to go back to Washington," Carrasco said. "I want St. Claire there. I owe him a lot. He taught me everything."

For the most part, I don't think outsiders can gauge value of coaches with any accuracy -- there's simply too much statistical noise to sort through. But here we have a coach who took two mediocre or worse talents, made adjustments, and transformed them into extremely valuable (and helpfully underpaid) assets. Losing Randy St. Claire on account of the lack of ownership would be a greater tragedy than missing out on this year's free agent class.

Bartolo Colon won the Cy Young Award, and I have nothing to say about it except that I completely disagree with Harper. I believe this is the first time this has happened. The important part of this result is that I have finally had a question answered. For years I had wondered what it would look like if Andre the Giant and Robert Smith had a child who grew up and went to a party with a bunch of Dominicans. Now I know; it would look like this:

I think the guy over Bart's right shoulder has had enough

Then I came up with a new question: what would it look like if ¡Livan! went to a Halloween party dressed as Dr. Dre but had his enjoyment ruined by the paparazzi? I had the answer within moments.

OHLINS

The Castilla trade was good, but I didn't think it was this good.

Washington Nationals General Manager Jim Bowden is scheduled to meet with the Boston Red Sox to discuss their vacant general manager's position either tomorrow or Thursday, the Boston Globe and Boston Herald reported from the GM meetings in Indian Wells, Calif., for today's editions.

Looks like someone in Boston's been reading Curly W! Since the idea of swapping general managers with the Red Sox gives the kind of all-over jingly tingles I usually get from heartwarming pictures of Japanese pro wrestlers getting ready to go fishing with their daughters, I'm going to do whatever I can to convince the Sox that this is a good idea.

Lawrence "Lucky" Lucchino, President
Boston Red Sox
4 Yawkey Way
Boston, MA 02215

Dear Mr. Lucchino,

Jim Bowden is a hella rad general manager. He appreciates the value of veteran leadership and knows what a franchise shortstop looks like (chubby). He dresses for success and hardly ever makes inappropriate analogies to terrorist atrocities anymore. In fact, if you take Bodes (that's what he likes to be called) away from us and we're forced to replace him with some snot-nosed intern boy, it would mean the death of the promising Washington Nationals, so please don't. I beg you -- don't offer him a raise and a cloth of gold track suit and all the toolsy outfielders he can stand and deprive our nation's capital of its young monument to baseball genius. And please don't throw me in that briar patch, Mr. Lucchino!

Hugs,
Ryan

Above: the photographic equivalent of us getting Theo Epstein and the Red Sox getting Bodes. Please don't read this part, Mr. Lucchino.

A Masterstroke

Jim Bowden: Frigging Genius?

The Washington Nationals last night discarded one of the most celebrated additions from last offseason, third baseman Vinny Castilla, and all but certainly thrust rookie Ryan Zimmerman into the Opening Day lineup for 2006 when they traded Castilla to the San Diego Padres for right-hander Brian Lawrence.

This is a breathtakingly good deal. Here's why:

• We are rid of Vinny Castilla, who wasn't good enough to start in front of Dutch Zimmerman or versatile enough to do anything but play third.
• We have added a solid, innings-eating starter. Brian Lawrence isn't really "good" (I called him "the very embodiment of mediocrity" back in January), but he's exactly what we need and costs us nothing. If Esteban Loaiza were to sign elsewhere, the presence of Lawrence would take a lot of the sting off the loss.
• "Bowden said the move to trade Castilla and essentially put Zimmerman in the starting lineup was made easier by the performance of infielder Brendan Harris in the Arizona Fall League. Harris, who briefly appeared with the Nationals over the summer, is leading the league with a .397 average, and he could prove a useful insurance should Zimmerman struggle, Bowden said." Finally, Bodes seems to realize what he has in Harris. With Zimmerman and Jose Vidro around, he shouldn't be starting, but it's a very good thing to have insurance for, respectively, a rookie and an injury-prone vet.

Brilliant! I give entirely non-sarcastic credit to Jim Bowden.

We Got 99 Problems, But the Wilk Ain't One

The lastest Nationals Mailbag starring Bill Ladson differs from its predecessors in that it's not an occasion for mockery of teh internet's leading Nats propagandist. Instead, it is full of dread portents.

Do you believe that if Brad Wilkerson played only one position, his concentration and hitting would improve? -- David E., Owensboro, Ky.

I don't buy that theory. The only way Wilkerson becomes a better hitter is by learning the strike zone and cutting down on the strikeouts, which killed many rallies for the Nationals this past season.

In terms of his defense, some in the organization felt that Wilkerson made a lot of fundamental mistakes. I don't think that had anything to do with Wilkerson playing more than one position.

Look, I really don't want to be the guy that quotes Bill James all the time, but this is a classic example of a team focusing on what a player can't do rather than what he can. Bitching about Wilkerson's strikeouts is only slightly more relevant than bitching about his acting ability. Working on the assumption that Ladson is the Nationals front office equivalent of Mohammed Said al-Sahhaf (except not as funny), this is an indication that our interim GM is planning to get rid of Wilkerson, something he occasionally tried to do before the season.

It is at this point that I have to give up my short-lived "Yay Everything!" gimmick and throw it on the dustheap of history along with Gunnar Peterson and the inscrutable, poorly-translated Japanese media because I can't go along with this. That's not to say there aren't good reasons to trade Wilkerson. He probably won't age well, and it won't be long until he gets rather expensive. He played most of 2005 with a debilitating arm injury that turned him into a banjo hitter. I gave my endorsement to a rumored Wilkerson for Vernon Wells deal, but the noises coming from the trailer out back of RFK don't give me confidence that this is being done for the right reasons or in the right way.

And don't let a down season or this "too many strikeouts" nonsense fool you: Wilkerson is a hugely valuable player. He plays four positions, and he's not embarrassing at any of them. He hits homers, he's a doubles machine, and his patience makes up for his low batting average. He hits lefty and righty pitchers with equal ease. When healthy, he's almost certainly our best all-around player, and his treatment by this team has been disgusting. As Needham (who's once again the Simpsons to my South Park, especially taking swears into consideration) points out, Wilkerson was jerked all over the place -- he prepared himself to play left but wound up in center. Add to this the intimations that Frank defended Jose Guillen against the rest of the clubhouse (we know Guillen and Wilk had problems) and the current smear campaign against B-Wilk, and it would be hard to blame him for wanting the hell out of here.

By now you've heard that outfield Matt Lawton has been suspended for using teh roids, and I'm sure many of you responded with a quizzical look and maybe that noise Scooby Doo makes when he's confused. Those of who had been listening to Will Carroll were doubly confused. Will was interviewed on Sports Bloggers Live on October 27, and he coquettishly teased us with the following:

SBL: "Is this a name we're actually going to care about?"

Carroll: "Yes."

Will almost immediately started backing off, studiously avoiding any admission of being full of it (again).

I don't know a name but have heard rumors, much as many journalists have.

"I'm a journalist!" is fast becoming Will's catchphrase. Note that now he's claiming he didn't know who it was, but was acting like he did anyway.

BM: When asked, "Is this a name we're actually going to care about?" by Jamie Monttram, you answered yes. Why do we care about this player?

WC: I think as baseball fans, we should care about any athlete.

Superb! Once it turned out to be a name almost no one cares about, Will gave us this.

"Gimme a Break!" That was the title of an email I recieved from a friend, someone I respect, someone who you probably read. On the heels of the Matt Lawton suspension, his comment was "So that was the guy we cared about???"

My response, I think, is worth sharing widely: "All-star OF who played on a playoff team? What do you want? Do we all only care about gotchas and the next Palmeiro? Will we need ever increasing names or do we just want to headhunt Bonds until he admits he's the anti-christ, shot Kennedy, and impregnated our daughters with his steroid-ridden seed?

"Really, what player SHOULDNT we care about and if I say, on national radio, "No, we shouldnt care" what does that say about me?"

First off, Will just can't help being coy: "someone who you probably read." Oh Will, you're such an insider! More to the point, he's completely full of shit. He knows the rumors that have been floating around -- hell, he's responsible for some of them. Gary Sheffield, Johnny Damon, Roger Clemens, etc. So when the question "is it someone we care about" is posed, it's completely obvious to anyone what is meant. In case you've ever wondered why Will is frequently described as a "charlatan," now you know.

Above: Will Carroll menaces co-bloggers Scott Long (left) and Ryan Wilkins. "Hold up my books, you fools! Smile! HARDER!"

I Have to Think the Alliance is Going to Frown on This

I don't know, I just don't trust this Hector Carrasco. Let me tell you a story. Several years ago, my beloved Grandpa Ray was in danger of losing his farm to evil developers who were going to build a kitten processing plant. If he didn't come up with $50,000 -- and fast! -- the farm where I spent so much of childhood would be gone forever, the bucolic splendor replaced with smokestacks and the stench of melting cat.

Above: Grandpa Ray chats with my infant uncle Lenny. Backdrop: the logo of the cat rendering facility that never was.

Naturally, my friends and family got together and put on a show in the old barn to raise the money. I didn't (don't) have any musical talent, charisma, or the assets needed for burlesque, so I got stuck with the magic portion of the show despite my lack of experience in the field. It went surprisingly well, even if my top hat was made of construction paper -- I pulled a chicken out of that hat, and a goat ate a lady's purse. She thought I'd made it disappear, so I went ahead and took credit. I won't bore with you how a surprise donation from the unexpectedly wealthy town drunk got us the money just before the midnight deadline, because the point is that one glorious night of wonder didn't make me a magician just as five starts don't make Hector Carrasco a good starter.

It could well be that Carrasco will be a good swingman next year, or maybe even a full-time starter. The problem is that everyone knows that possibility exists, and that's going to drive up his price. I like spending money on a sure thing, and this is anything but. How many 35 year old journeymen relievers have turned into effective starters? I love a rags to riches story as much as anyone, but I don't want to bankroll this one. I say take the money Carrasco wants and give it to Esteban Loaiza, who is at least a for-sure starter. Better yet, take Carrasco and Loaiza money and give it to Kenny Rogers, who's actually good and brings with him the intriguing possibility of someone getting his ass kicked.