He Better Soup Up That Segway

The bear ate Jose Rijo and now it's only getting faster.

A federal investigation into the skimming of signing bonuses given to baseball prospects from Latin America is looking at Washington Nationals general manager Jim Bowden as far back as 1994, when he was GM of the Cincinnati Reds, according to a baseball executive familiar with the investigation.

This is a pretty big deal. As far as I know, it's the first time the verb between "FBI" and "Jim Bowden" has been "investigate" rather than "question." Bodes' position seemed to be that of an innocent enabler; a bumbling, ass-headed dupe like Stan Kasten rather than an actual perpetrator. Also, you'd think that this has to be it for Bowden. Be honest - are you going to miss him?

Speaking of embarrassing Dominican Republic-related affairs that keep the Nats in the News, the Odalis Perez situation has been resolved.

Today, the Nationals released Perez, 31, terminating the waiting game that began almost two weeks ago when the left-hander decided not to report to camp. On Feb. 5, Perez had signed a non-guaranteed minor league contract with Washington, a deal that would pay him $850,000 if he made the club. But after Perez signed the deal, he regretted it. He held out for a better deal. He never reported to spring training. He cut off all contact with the team.

A couple notes here: First, I need to give a shout-out to Chico Harlan for holding it down at the Nationals Journal. He's been doing some great work, and it's pretty much the only place I go for the shameful parade of Nationals news. The second note, though, is that this is pretty poorly worded. Whether or not Perez "signed" that deal is important, to the extent that anything involving Odalis Perez and the Nats is important.

Jim Bowden says he did sign. Perez says he did not; he merely agreed to sign. The Players' Association has no record of any contract being signed. And even if that weren't the case, in a case of he said/he said, I tend to side with the he who is not under investigation by the federal government.

By the way, can someone look at this and tell me what the hell is going on?

This just in!

But behind the scenes, according to sources, some within the team's ownership group -- which includes Managing Principal Owner Theodore N. Lerner, seven principal owners and nine founding partners -- are eager to cut ties with the general manager they inherited almost three years ago, and see the investigation as a way of facilitating Bowden's exit. The Nationals, one source said, are encouraging the investigation to return an answer on Bowden so the parties can "go on their merry way."

OK, look: I'm done mocking Bowden. He's no longer our problem - he's done. My question is, what kind of vacillating, indifferent, spineless, moronic owners does this team have that they need a major, multi-national, FBI-investigated scandal to fire the GM? You nitwits should have fired this clown the very damn moment you got the team. It's not like you weren't warned. It's becoming ever clearer that Bowden isn't the biggest problem this franchise has - there's a much bigger roadblock made up of a bunch of rich subnormals who can't be fired.

Bowden has embarrassed this franchise in more ways than I can ever hope to remember at this point, but the slope-browed cavemen who own my favorite baseball team are, "according to sources," actually relieved that they were flim-flammed out of $1.4 million because it gives them an excuse to fire an underperforming, overembarrassing employee. It's not hard to dismiss someone, you Cro-Magnons. It's not the damn quest for fire. It's easy. Let me put it in terms you wall-painters can maybe understand: Man with tracksuit bad. Tell him go away. You real big stupids.

We'd just better hope that a black monolith lands at the ballpark pretty soon and finally teaches these evolutionary throwbacks how to hit things with a bone, or else we're in for a practical eternity of stupidity.

Pursued by a Bear

It's like they say - when you're being chased by bear, you don't have to outrun the bear; you just have to outrun Jose Rijo.

José Rijo, the Washington Nationals' front-office member linked most closely to the fraudulent signing of a Dominican prospect, has taken a leave of absence from the team.

I'm sure I'm not alone in hoping that this is only the beginning of an organization-wide purification by fire that claims thousands.

Above: Jim Bowden outrunning Jose Rijo. For now.

Meanwhile, Odalis Perez still isn't in camp, despite having allegedly agreement to don the W for another year. Perez was Washington's opening day starter last year. Maybe that says more about the Nationals than it does about Odalis, but it's something. He was . . . OK. League average, more or less, and that - thanks to the mysterious forces that control and occasionally destroy the economy - tends to be worth millions of dollars. It costs good money to keep Matt Chico off the mound.

Because of that, I was certainly surprised when he agreed to come back for a non-guaranteed 850 large. Odalis was apparently as surprised as I was, because as soon as he sobered up or got around to looking up the exchange rate with the Dominican peso or whatever, he decided that that kind of deal wasn't worth getting on a plane; he's staying home.

The reaction to this (at least among the tiny proportion of the population that is at all interested) is predictable and understandable. Plenty of fat jokes, shots at Perez' ability, and plenty of possibly overdone enthusiasm about this year's crop of Young Pitchers of teh Future. Nothing wrong with any of that. After all, it's a matter of public record that Odalis is a dick.

He stopped his O's 45's program, in which he bought 45 tickets for inner-city school children to attend his starts, after losing his starting job. He said he would not reinstate the program now that he is starting again because he felt he never got enough credit from the club or the public for his charitable contributions.

Also, Jim Bowden claims that Perez has actually signed a contract. Jim Bowden also claimed that Smiley Gonzalez was worth $1.4 million and that Aaron Crow was too expensive, but maybe he's right this time. If that's the case, then yes, Odalis Perez should absolutely get his ass out of bed and come to camp.

If it's not, though - and when we're figuring the odds of the Nats being wrong about this, we have to adjust for the indefensible, franchise-destroying incompetence we've seen from time to time - I certainly don't blame Perez for reconsidering a cut-rate contract with the worst team in baseball. I'm not going to make a moral argument for backing out of an agreement, even if it's an unofficial, "engaged to be engaged" kind of situation. Haven't we all had momentary lapses in judgment that have haunted us for years? Deciding to start a blog, for instance? Wouldn't we like the chance to take it back?

At any rate, my advice to Perez is to grow a goatee, forge Johan Santana's driver's license, and come back to the negotiating table. The Nats have proven themselves vulnerable to that kind of bargaining ploy.

Smile!

I'd always assumed that Stan Kasten was the smart one - if not the Robert DeNiro in Casino to Jim Bowden's Joe Bob Briggs in Casino, at least the Moe to his Curly. But now, I'm not so sure.

It's probably not news to you that 19 year old Esmailyn "Smiley" Gonzalez, recipient of a $1.4 million bonus, turns out to be 23 year old Carlos Lugo Something Something (does it matter?) and not quite the prospect we knew. Some very important people messed up very, very badly, and it didn't take me long to get sick of the ass-covering. So sick, in fact, that I'm pleased to announce the long-awaited return of swears to this space.

Kasten - and, according to some books I skimmed at Kinko's, this is the mark of a good executive - could not wait to blame his underlings [scapegoats bolded].

Let me give you some background on all of this... We were awarded the team in early May [2006], and really soon thereafter, within maybe two weeks or three weeks, right in the early stage of the transition, we did not yet own the team, Jim [Bowden] came to me and said his staff had seen this kid, they thought he was special, they thought he would command a premier bonus, and what was our appetite for that. And, obviously none of us had ever seen the kid or heard of the kid. But he described him, the staff described him, and we said, 'Yeah, we want to be aggressive, we'd back you on something like that if that's what everyone feels like.' So we did support their recommendation, and we went ahead and signed him on the first day we were able to, which was July 2.

It's not my fault! The people who work for me are retards! I mean sure, I cut the dude a $1.4 million check, but it's not my fault! Unhappily for this overrated hack, the Post has what he was crowing about at the time:

It is quite possible the Nationals overpaid for Alvarez/Gonzalez, even if he had been 16 at the time, and the original Sports Illustrated report said the next-highest bid was $700,000. (The Nats paid $1.4 million.) But even the point at the time - one pushed by the Nationals, and one that makes sense - is that they had to overpay to make a statement about their intention to be players in Latin America. ..."This lets other teams know we are a player," Stan Kasten told me on July 2, 2006 - the day they signed Alvarez/Gonzalez. "We will take a back seat to no one - repeat: no one - when it comes to pursuing talent."

I have to disagree with Barry Svrluga here: paying double does not make sense. It does not let "other teams know we are a player." It lets other teams know that you are a dipshit, and the difference between the two is important. At best, Stan Kasten is a chump, a sucker, a pigeon - his bragging about dropping one and a half mil on a half a mil player makes that all too clear.

Kasten wants to cover his ass, and this isn't getting it done. This organization has since Day 1 been very publicly drooling all over itself, and the flow didn't stop when Kasten and the Lerners came on board. Hell, the only thing that changed at that point was the Nats went from incompetent to evil and incompetent. The New England Patriots have shown us that if you're evil and really, really effective, no one will care. But there's no Bill Belichick in this crowd of short bus riders.

This is more than a mere Dominican lying about his age case (doesn't it seem like this time-honored trick should have a name? The Dominican Passport Tapdance? The Hispaniola Hula? The San Pedro de Macarena?). Do you remember the signing? It was kind of a big deal. We heard rumors about the super-secret teenager who was going to prove the Nationals weren't cheap and had could develop talent. They had a press conference for this "kid" and everything. No one seemed to notice him talking about how rough he had it under Trujillo and showing reporters pictures of his grandkids, but hell - we were excited. Finally a real team with real owners and management that doesn't spend more time trying on bicycle helmets and thinking about McNuggets than it does trying to win games!

And it was all bullshit. Not only did we fall for the classic Dominican Passport Tapdance, check this out:
1. When teams were bidding for Gonzalez, everyone dealt with his agent. Everyone except the Nats, who went straight to his sleazy-ass buscon (a Spanish term meaning "like an agent, but sleazier. If you can imagine that").
2. The Nats offered double what anyone else was willing to come up with (we're players!).
3. The Federal Bureau of Investigation is investigating the organization's role in skimming money from bonus payments to Dominican prospects.

You don't have to be Elliot Ness to put 2 and 2 and 1.4 million together. When management is so incompetent and/or crooked that they're getting phone calls from the damn FBfuckingI, heads need to roll.

I'm sick of it. I've dealt with my favorite team being a laughingstock since before they were even my favorite team. Every moment as a Nationals fan is a further humiliation, and I'm tired of it. This goes out to Jim Bowden, Stan Kasten, and each and every Lerner: GO TO HELL. My only consolation is that some people are going to be fired and that maybe some of those people could go to jail. That's nice, but it doesn't address the root cause of this problem: the dumb assholes who call the shots.

Am I the only one who misses the days when Major League Baseball owned the team? At least then you could that something better would come along.

This just in: Smiley's agent posits a new victim.

I don't know where the origins of this thing are. It seems to me this thing is much too complicated and involved for a 19- or 20-year-old from an impoverished neighborhood to pull off... He may have been duped as much as anyone.

Bullshit. A 20-year-old from a bad neighborhood can't figure out that when he's being instructed to tell everyone a fake name and age, he might be doing something a bit shady? Honestly, isn't this more offensive than blaming him for it? He's pretty much saying, "He doesn't know any better - poor people from the Dominican are animals. They can't help it." Sports agent Stanley King: shut the fuck up.

He's Going to Help Pun-Loving Headline Writers, Too

It took a lot of things coming together to ruin my brilliant marketing idea: a bad economy, a puzzling free agent market, and a player's particularly unappreciated skill set. The signing of Adam Dunn has pretty much ended any chance that my new slogan - We Ain't Got Bats, We Got Straps - would join previous sales pitches like Make It Your Pastime or Get Your Red On or 2008's regrettable The Aaron Crow Era Begins. We ain't got bats? Well, now we have one. Plus Dunn doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would shoot you unless you're a deer.

I gotta admit that I'm excited in spite of my copywriting setback. The Nationals have signed a big ticket free agent. That's never happened before, right? Who comes closest? Esteban Loaiza? Dmitri Young? You see what I'm talking about. I wonder if this is how Royals fans felt when they signed Gil Meche. Someone find a Royals fan and ask him for me.

OK, now I'm done celebrating and ready to start analyzing. What exactly do we have in Adam Dunn, other than a dude who looks kind of like Lee Harvey Oswald with a mild case of acromegaly? Let's weigh the pros and cons. Cons first.

Adam Dunn is a good player, but he's a boring good player. He has a distinctive skill set, and none of it makes for good television.

-He walks a lot. Don’t get me wrong – walks are great, and there’s nothing I like more than an obviously terrified enemy pitcher watching his nightmares come true as he walks in a run. But by and large, a base on balls is not an exciting thing to watch develop.

-He hits home runs. Home runs aren’t boring, exactly, but they’re not as viscerally fun as a whole pile of doubles. Not enough running.

-He strikes out. A LOT. And the only fun about a strikeout is trying to lip-read the guy as he stalks back to the dugout.

-He doesn’t catch anything. I don’t think I’m kidding when I say that the only on field thing I remember from the 2008 Nationals is Willie Harris making preposterous catches in the outfield. We're not going to be getting any of that from Teh Donkey. (By the way, that makes three things I remember from 2008. The other two are (1) the fact that at most 8,999 people who weren't me were watching Nats games (2) and "you dead, dawg.")

Now on the pros:
-Remember that home runs thing I dismissively mentioned above? That's actually pretty important. Dunn has a system: he hits exactly 40 home runs a year. He's been on this system for the last four years, and if he keeps it up, he's sure to lead this weak-ass hitting team by somewhere in the vicinity of 40 homers.

-Walks, too. Hundred-something walks, lead the team by a hundred, same deal.

-Here's the vital thing: Adam Dunn is funny. Actually, intentionally witty, which is an unusual thing to see in a professional athlete. Consider this interview of Dunn, conducted by Astros pitcher Chris Sampson back in 2007.

Sampson: What pitch do you struggle with the most?

Dunn: I would say like most hitters in the league would say, fastball right down the middle.

Sampson: Are you ever going to fulfill on your offer to take me hunting on your ranch and take me and my wife out to dinner?

Dunn: The hunting all depends on if I go 0-for-4 off ya again. But no matter what happens, I will take your wife to dinner. I guess you can come too.

Not bad, right? And it's not just threatening to date other guys' wives; Dunn is also a master of more uncomfortable than funny Andy Kaufman-style performance. Here he is whiling away a rain delay by calling into the Reds pre-game show in the guise of his popular "Adam from Milwaukee" character, sort of his own Tony Clifton.


That's more memorable than anything I can recall any National saying ever (not counting ¡Livan! and death threats, of course). The Nationals don't have an Alexander Ovechkin, but they may have just gotten their Gilbert Arenas.

Addendum: Upon further review, Adam Dunn doesn't really look anything like Lee Harvey Oswald with a mild case of acromegaly. He looks like Will Ferrell. I realize now that I probably think about Lee Harvey Oswald more than is healthy or healthful or sane. So I guess we all learned something today.

We the Nats

I've been thinking about archaic grammar and how it relates to the Nationals. Our old friends the ancient Greeks had a number between singular and plural - the dual. It pretty quickly fell into general disuse and came to be used only for things that were usually found in twos, like twins or plow horses or testicles. If ever an ancient Greek could come up with a sentence that included a phrase like "the twin plow horses' testicles," he was credited with a Triple Greek Score and got free desserts for life.

I've been contemplating this because the limitations of the English language make it hard to write about the Nats. When you say "Nationals fans," it's problematic. We learned last year that Nationals TV ratings are small, so tiny that it was posited that they must have been the result of a misplaced comma or a couple of delinquent zeroes. Using the plural of "fan" is an insult to the very concept of the plural AND fails to express the author's scorn at the serious crappiness of Washington's reaction to getting its fourth (more or less) major league team, but using "fan" is pushing it too far. Obviously, there's more than one. Not many more, but more.

That's my problem; the Nationals' problem - as represented by the ratings issues - is being addressed by an aggressive rebranding. Maybe you've noticed that the Nats have taken on an edge lately. You have the acquisition of Elijah Dukes, you've got the FBI investigating the team for filching money from hopeful, fresh-faced Dominican teenagers, and now you have the new color commentator, Rob Dibble.

I'm not quite prepared to complain about this. For one thing, I've never actually heard Rob Dibble: Broadcaster. Maybe he's good. Every piece of evidence argues against it, but stranger things have happened. From the Nats' standpoint, the point is that he's not Don Sutton. I liked Don Sutton. He was even-keeled and intelligent, he had a soothing voice, and he didn't inflict an obvious catchphrase on us. Now we have this:

As edgy as a special guest verse from Fred Durst

See that? The shades, the phony snarl? The bat, which represents his truly impressive hitting record (3-25, .120) and the microphone, which represents his equally impressive talking record? That's branding. This ain't your daddy's color commentator! We're not in Kansas anymore! It's like if the X-Games and Mountain Dew and Poochie the Dog came together and took the form of a gel-haired jackass! Etc., etc.

And don't think it's not intentional. MASN interviewed, among others, Buck Martinez, whose musky, scotch-soaked elegance has fallen out of fashion ever since Ricardo Montalban passed away. Clearly, Buck's status as the best-dressed man in baseball (seersucker? Yes! White after Labor Day? No!) just doesn't fit in with the Nationals' current attitude, which emphasizes informality and malfeasance.

See, that's class right there.

Hence Dibble. It might not be that bad. Maybe he'll spend the season browbeating Bob Carpenter because he didn't play the game and doesn't know how to man up and strap it on or whatever (I'm expecting hits from some pretty hair-raising Google searches based on that wording, by way). Maybe he'll just complain for seven months (this is known as the industry as "Blogger-Style"). Or maybe he'll just be completely terrible. Regardless of the actual outcome, I don't think the Nationals went far enough. If you're going to go edgy, go all the way edgy. Don't settle for some safe-for-ESPN Radio-type controversy - you've got to do the damn thing.

Fortunately, it's not too late. The Nationals' marketing strategy can be completed simply by firing Clint and the Nat Pack and replacing them with these guys (WARNING: this is not safe for work and regrettable in a number of other ways):

Now that's edgy. They have our new advertising slogan: We Ain't Got Bats We Got Straps. Which is to say, maybe we suck as baseball, but we will shoot you. Or at least text you a picture of a gun.

Either way: edgy.

Tonight's the night

Baseball in 2009 starts tonight! Ramon Ortiz is on the hill, Cookie Rojas is in the booth, and we're off, live from Mexicali, the Chinesest city in all Mexico.

And once again, no one seems to care but me. I can't find a scoreboard on ESPN - and keep in mind that ESPN's site makes damn sure to keep you up date on each and every score from the third tier Scottish soccer league.

There is hope that this thing's going to catch a little bit, though. The MLB Network has programming hours to fill, and what else are you going to show in February?* Maybe with their muscle behind it, I won't be the only one watching this thing in a couple years. So this right here is the place to go if you're interested - they got a scoreboard, and they're even doing the live Gameday thingy for it. This ESPN preview is a little bit interesting too. I recommend that you get on this bandwagon before everyone else does and I lose interest.

*Here's another thing I love about the MLB Network. Naturally, when I heard about it, my feelings were mixed: Yay for more baseball, but this is inevitably, I thought, going to wind up being the Yankees Show with special guest stars the Red Sox. We're a month in, though, and that absolutely has not happened. The other day they showed an hour-long documentary about the 1982 Milwaukee Brewers. It wasn't the Yankees, it wasn't the Sox, it wasn't even the Mets - it was a full hour about small market World Series loser. And it was damned interesting. It would have been even moreso if I were a connoseiur of hideous white guy moustaches.

This was one of the tasteful ones.

UPDATE!!!!!!!!! I don't want to oversell this thing (the Caribbean Series, not the Brewers' awful facial hair) - it's not quite the Major League product. Case in point - Brad Knox (it would appear that the Venezuelans have a ringer) is pitching a no-hitter for the Tigers against the Tigers (yes, 50% of the teams in the thing are called the Tigers). He is removed from the game in the 7th because his pitch count has gotten up to 88 pitches. Oh, the PAP! The shoulder-destroying PAP! The good news is that the Dominican immediately ties the game on a bomb by . . . BIG FAT RONNIE BELLIARD! See what I'm talking about? This is great.

Programming

It's that time again. As the football season lumbers to its merciful conclusion, thoughts turn to February and to baseball. Not to, you know, real baseball, but to real baseball's harbingers. Stained artificial turf is its wilderness; fat former major leaguers are its locusts and wild honey. The Caribbean World Series is about to set straight the paths to Opening Day.

MASN in the winter is as useless as TNT without Law and Order reruns, but they've earned their slot the last few years by covering the Caribbean Series. The problem with this thing is that it appears that I'm the only one who cares. I'm not making this up (and I don't remember if I've mentioned this before): I was watching this thing being brought into my living room live during the Super Bowl, and announcer Victor Rojas actually made fun of everyone who was watching baseball instead of the football game. He may as well have mentioned me by name, because I must have been at least 100% of the viewing audience.

My point, though, is that it's tough to find news on this thing. No one cares, and there aren't websites being set up, rich with multimedia features, weeks before it happens. The best you can get - if you're as solidly monolingual as I am - is the occasional obviously Babelfished press release from midsummer. I hadn't seen any news on this, so I went to the MASN website and went to the trouble of filling out one of those forms they make you do to communicate with them. That thing is as uncomfortably curious as the survey you take before you give blood. Naturally, I made most up of the info. What the hell does MASN need to know my address for? An Anita Marks candygram? Anyway, I asked them - in between demands for more Buck Martinez and more less Bob Carpenter - whether they'd be bringing us the Caribbean World Series. I made sure to appeal to their ratings-grubbing side by truthfullly nothing that it's the only reason I would even think about watching them.

I never got a response, and I just figured out why.

MLB Network announced today that it will televise live the 51st annual Caribbean World Series from February 2 through February 7, 2009 scheduled to be played in Mexicali, Mexico. The telecast of the Caribbean World Series will mark the first live games telecast on MLB Network.

Hell yeah!

In addition to televising 12 games of the winter tournament, otherwise known as "La Serie del Caribe," MLB Network will air game highlights and recaps of tournament play, preview match-ups and provide extensive coverage as part of its studio show "Hot Stove."

HELL YEAH! Look, it seems like it's the in thing among people who hate everything (I'm a member in good standing since about 1982) to hate the MLB Network, but take it from me, your favorite avuncular, trustworthy, intermittent internet commentator: it's rad. Super rad. Sure, the studio show is as dumb as Sportscenter, but don't watch that. Where else are you regularly going to find footage of Stan Musial on your television? When's the last time that or any other appliance emitted the words "Tris Speaker"? Finally there is a channel that loves baseball as much as I do, and it's replaced Oxygen as the thing I check first during my television viewing hours.

John Patterson

I quote from my last post, which is more temporally than visually distant from this one.

Seriously, historians are going to look back and see the early history of the Nationals as little but a parade of shitheads.

That parade does not include John Patterson, who announced his retirement today. I get the feeling that years from now, vivid memories of Patterson will be one of the things that distinguishes Day One Nationals Fans from those who adopted this painful pastime more recently. He never did much other than that first season (which becomes more amazing the longer ago it gets), but that was enough for me. His record that year was only 9-7, but without looking at more closely, I don't think that tells the whole story. 2005 was a year of thrilling, last-minute victories, and that's not the kind of outcome that inflates a starter's victory total. He was there, and he was as big a part of it as anyone.

I almost regret that the John Patterson content of this blog, which serves as a mausoleum for the mildly magical 2005 Nationals just as much as any image of Vinny Castilla in the jersey, is restricted to two topics: 1) He wants to be called "Big Nasty"? That's hilarious and 2) He's going to get hurt; TRADE HIM. He deserved better. But now, the profession he'd spent most of his life preparing for is now cut off to him by medical necessity (i.e., excruciating pain). His ruminations on this turn of events are heart-breaking.

"That's a year I look back on and go, 'You know, that year really went right for me.' That's the way my career was supposed to be," he said.

Patterson came to the realization that his life wasn't going to work out the way he'd dreamed later than most people, which makes it even more poignant. The end of the article is crushing; it's a quick tour of the landscape of a broken dream:

Patterson, a Texas native, declined to say what he was going to do with the rest of his life, but acknowledged that he has been doing a lot of hunting this offseason.

"There are a few things I have going here in town with a friend of mine -- business-wise," Patterson said. "Now that I have made the decision to move forward in my life, maybe some opportunities will open up for me. As of right now, it's up in the air."

Good luck, John.

Scott Olsen, Huh?

Seriously, historians are going to look back and see the early history of the Nationals as little but a parade of shitheads. They won't be wrong.

Novelty

Damn. Look, I'm used to History proving me right. Remember when Will Carroll said DC's bid for the Expos was dead, and I disagreed? Remember when Will Carroll said that Daisuke Matsuzaka threw an inscrutable magical demon dragon pitch, and I disagreed? Remember when Will Carroll said that he was going to work out until he looked like Brian Giles, and I disagreed? But generally, it takes a while, and generally it's the main thrust of one of my bodacious arguments that's proven, as opposed to some offhand, possibly libelous joke. So this is kind of a new thing for me. Check it:

Ryan T. Moore, July 22, 2008:

Jim Bowden seems committed to spending his time exploring, like a tracksuited Magellan whizzing around on a Segway, novel forms of bad behavior.

James Gordon Bowden III, July 24, 2008:

. . . . the Nationals have already decided that reliever Chad Cordero will be non-tendered. The news comes two weeks after Cordero had shoulder surgery.

General manager Jim Bowden first gave the news to Sports Talk 980 AM in Washington on Wednesday afternoon. Bowden would later confirm what he said in an e-mail to MLB.com['s Bill Ladson] during Wednesday night's game between the Nationals and Giants [we lost].

If I repeat myself, then I repeat myself: Damn. There's nothing wrong with cutting Chad Cordero, other than that he should have been traded a couple years ago. But announcing it like it's a damn wrestling promo -- well, that's what I meant by novel forms of bad behavior.

But, hey, as long as Chad's cool with it, right?

When reached by phone, Cordero was not happy to hear the news [from Bill Ladson of all people].

"I'm shocked he would say it now and make it official. It's a bit upsetting. It's early," Cordero said. "I understand that it's a business."

Good going, Bodes. The guy as responsible as anyone for the miraculous, Bowden's-job-saving 2005 season now thinks (knows?) that you're an awful person. Only now does he realize that the Cincinnati Reds, people who were kind of upset about September 11th, and robbed Dominican teenagers were right all along. Welcome to the club, Chad. If you're looking for a place to complain, I can guarantee that anything you want to post here won't fall off the front page for six or seven months.

P.S. And in the category of weird stuff you find while idly Googling instead of typing out the content, here's this. Jim Bowden for Congress: Because nothing says sound governance like a pixelly picture of a couple of boats.

Jon Rauch is Tall Quadrennium Canceled

It started as just a celebratory week and became a full three years, but the Jon Rauch Is Tall Quadrennium celebrations have been canceled; tattoo enthusiast, original Nat, and staunch gay marriage advocate Jon Rauch has been traded. The man with more career home runs off Roger Clemens than Albert Pujols is off to Arizona -- just as our raddest pitcher donned the preposterous colors of the Diamondbacks, so follows our second raddest. As ever, the tallest follows the fattest.

We got some papally-named infielder I ain't never heard of in return. Is this good? Well, here's how I look at it: Jim Bowden seems committed to spending his time exploring, like a tracksuited Magellan whizzing around on a Segway, novel forms of bad behavior. Every minute he dedicated to exiling Giant Jon to the desert was a minute he wasn't stealing money from Dominican teenagers, so whatever the outcome from a practical point of view, morally the trade's a winner.

Still, I can't help but get wistful when I look at this file photo of Rauch (left) and former Nats beat writer Barry Svrluga (right) talking about Panera during our very first Spring Training.
First Svrluga ran off to run his clothing empire, and now this. Every time an original National leaves, I can't help but think of inexorability of, you know, time and decay and stuff, and that makes me think that someday I'll be dead and that when that happens, this blog will actually be updated less often than it is now. Think about that.

But that can't happen, according to this theory of 2005 Nationals-related immortality I just now developed, as long Cristian Guzman's chubby ass is still around, so hey -- $16 million? That's a damn bargain for keeping me alive and the Distinguished Senators content coming at such a frantic pace.

IT'S UNDER NINE THOUSAAAAAAND!!!!!!!!

I had no idea I was a member of such an exclusive club. You've probably heard by now that Nationals games on MASN draw . . . well, look: it's not often that something reflects badly (really, really badly) on Nats fans and happens to be a completely inexplicable internet meme, so I'm just going to let the Internet itself explain this for me. One thing bigger than the viewership of Nats games? Goku's power level:


Another thing bigger than the viewership of Nats games? The number of licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.

"Content"

Amazing. Immediately after I lamented the end of my symbiotic relationship with the news-breakers at Formula PR, Dan Guzman of WUSA-TV stepped in to the fill the void. Dan, no doubt driven by a burning desire to rehabilitate his last name among the Nationals cognoscenti, passes along this exclusive look inside the new ballpark that I had kind of forgotten they were building. Story by Dan Guzman, photos by Dan Guzman, video presumably by Dan Guzman: add some paisley and a fuzzy guitar solo and you could call it the Dan Guzman Experience.

It took less than a day for the folks at channel 9 (right?) to solve one of my blogproblems, so I assume that they're already hard at work blowing the lid off what I've termed "VenezuelansWithCarthaginianNamesGate." I mean, if you're going to name your kids after history's most notorious repeat losers, there are better choices, like Jim Kelly or Adlai Stevenson or Bowser.

So, with "content" out of the way, I resume pimping. That article that I want you to click on is still there, thirsty for clicks and even moreso for diggs. And now there's bonus content in the form of insane comments! Here's a fun game: try to identify which of the comments almost make me regret writing the damn thing.

I Hope You Like Our New Direction

You may recall from the much-heralded relaunch of Distinguished Senators my commitment to bringing you the very best of all the press releases that landed in my inbox. I thought it went well for a post, but then my source at Formula PR stopped sending me releases. I figured we had a "you scratch my back I'll scratch yours" relationship, but I guess I was wrong. Perhaps it was unwise of me to steal that line from Superbad about the unusual location of my back.

So with that avenue closed, I was forced to devise a new format. The new Distinguished Senators will consist of two things:
1) My attempts to get to the bottom of the Venezuelan proclivity for Carthaginian names and
B) Helpful directions to things on the Internet that you should read.

As for the Venezuelans, it's very puzzling. Asdrubal Cabrera? Anibal Sanchez? Even Omar Infante's dead brother has one. Hours of research turned up nothing. Clearly, someone -- someone powerful -- didn't want me to find the truth. My current theory, therefore, is that Venezuela was flooded with Carthaginian war criminals after the Third Punic War, and that their descendants are busily planning a fourth.

Meanwhile, I looked far and wide for features on the internet landscape that you, my beloved and closely-knit community of readers, fans, and cultists should make a point of seeing.

I could find only one, and it's right here. The author is someone whose jokes I've been laughing at for years. What I need is for all of you to click on that link -- or, if that link displeases you, this one -- as many times as you possibly can and from as many computers as you can manage to sit in front of.

And I don't know if you've heard of this Digg thing, but let me tell you: I just found out that there is no time like the present to sign up and start digging away. The only flaw I can see is that they won't let me "digg" the only thing I think anyone should be reading more than once. So that's where you come in.

How Long Must The Truth Go Unrecognized?

Alex Christopher, telling us what we're not ready to hear about the reptilian aliens under Denver International Airport.

AC: If Phil is right, and all this hooks up to the deep underground base that he was offered the plans to build back in 1979, and that what this other man told me in private that there is a lot of human slave labor in these deep underground bases being used by these aliens, and that a lot of this slave labor is children. He said that when the children reach the point that they are unable to work any more, they are slaughtered on the spot and consumed.

DA: Consumed by who?

AC: Aliens. Again, this is not from me, but from a man that gave his life to get this information out. He worked down there for close to 20 years, and he knew everything that was going on.

DA: Hmmm. Who do these aliens eat?

AC: They specifically like young human children, that haven't been contaminated like adults. Well, there is a gentleman out giving a lot of information from a source he gets it from, and he says that there is an incredible number of children snatched in this country.

DA: Over 200,000 each year.

AC: And that these children are the main entree for dinner.

DA: How many Draconians are down there?

AC: I have heard the figure of 150,000 just in the New York area.

Unendable inbox presence Lee Sinins, telling us what we're not ready to hear about the sham that is the playoffs:

Some of you may recall that, several years ago, I announced that was withdrawing my recognition of the postseason and of the World Series winners due to the meaningless of small sample sizes in baseball. . . And to those who consider this to be insanity, well, I consider recognizing a team as a champion because of small sample garbage to be insanity.

Lee, surely there is no one who would dare question you, right?

Since I'm getting so many messages from people who say they found "errors" in my list of champions, I need to send this to everyone.

There are no errors in the lists.

Those lists of champions are the champions recognized by me.

He's like a Martin Luther for our time, ready to bring down the Establishment in the interest of Truth!

And Sinins has a point too.

Open Letter

Dear Internet Baseball Community,

I'm sorry that I was right. It's not like I didn't warn you.

Your Pal,
Ryan

P.S. "Mark" says hi.

P.P.S. More Will. And the damn gyroball.

The Formula

Right. So I don't have anything to say, which was bound to happen sooner or later. Probably sooner. But lately I've been immersed in the marketing potential of blogs. I mean, I don't think there is much -- at least not with anything I'm involved in -- but going by the only emails I get these days, somebody must think there's potential. So in the spirit of the time I quoted an email from MASN as a transparent excuse to post a YouTube of that awesome Nike commercial with Bootsy Collins, I am for the time being dedicating Distinguished Senators to bringing you, the reader who probably either knows me personally or clicked over here because Needham was nice enough to put me in his reader thingy, the latest developments in Nationals-related PR.

Our first update comes from my close, personal friend Ashley Hanley of Formula PR, who sends along the news that they're going to let kids talk into microphones at the ESPN Zone. Who's now? Your 12-year-old!

ESPN Zone and the Washington Nationals have teamed up to host the Junior Broadcaster competition, a search for the next generation of sports announcers. Children 12 and under will compete for the opportunity to work in the broadcast booth on September 2 during Nationals’ Kids Run the Show Day at RFK Stadium. On August 20, entrants are invited to ESPN Zone, located at 555 12^th Street NW, where each will have the opportunity to showcase their sports-announcing chops. Two Junior Broadcasters will be selected at the end of the competition.

“Junior Broadcaster is about having fun and getting talented young sports fans onsite to give announcing a try,” said Leigh Friedman, ESPN Zone’s regional marketing manager. “However, for some ambitious individuals it’s more than that. It’s a competition and they come out to win. We’ll get entrants from all over the area and even outside the state, so we’re excited to see what kind of talent emerges as a result of this contest. Deciding on a winner will not be an easy task.”

Wow, a quote from ESPN Zone's infamously hard-to-reach regional marketing manager. Very impressive, Ashley, and we all look forward to hearing from you about the next event Formula PR has the honor of promoting by mass email. Or, more likely, the last event Formula had the honor of promoting, because I've got a bit of a backlog in my inbox.

Mets!

In an unbelievable turn of events, one that should but almost certainly won't serve as a wakeup call to the shiftless proprietor of this site, those wishing to read my thoughts on the Nationals must direct themselves to a Mets blog. Mets Today was rad enough to solicit my thoughts on the team, and what follows is certain to be the most insightful ten questions and answers you'll read about the Nats on a Mets site this month. Guaranteed. So get over there, don't embarrass me in front of the Mets fans, and make it seem like you're accidentally bringing up Jesus Flores every chance you get.

As for this place, well, I figure as long I have an outlet to whine about my favorite team once or twice a year, and I can go ahead and turn Distinguished Senators into a full time Chris Hansen fan page.

Above: Our generation's Eliot Ness. He has your chat logs.

Dmitripalooza: Final

Dmitripalooza has to be dying down soon, right? Once the Nationals start playing again, alternative storylines will develop, like the one where Dmitri Young gets traded and the one where all remaining Nats fans shake their tiny fists at the cold, merciless Plan and the soulless men who serve it. So one last Meathook post, then I'm done for a while.

The Examiner's Phil Wood has added his voice to the off-key chorus calling for Meathook retention. There's no point in engaging his case. He says nothing Boswell didn't already try to say in his chat, and his arguments are nothing more than window dressing to his actual motivation, which is pure puppy love.

I understand the temptation among Nats fans to love the one you're with. The team is not very good and pretty colorless, and fans need to attach themselves to something. But this Dmitri Young thing is so obviously borne of desparation -- it wouldn't be happening if Zimmerman had done anything of note -- that it's just undignified. I'm not saying you have to wait until marriage, Nats fans, but it's only been a few months. Don't give up your hearts that easy.

Meanwhile, and I really don't like harping on this, two more profiles of Young appeared before the All Star Game. The Times and the official organ both chimed in with efforts that would have looked like puff pieces even without the existence of Barry Svrluga's piece. Coming as they did after it made a certain shared omission all the more pronounced.

These are not rhetorical questions; I can be convinced on this issue, and I am looking for feedback: Am I expecting too much? Should I look at these pieces like they're glad handing celebrity rag material rather than real journalism? Is it unreasonable to expect a mention of Dmitri Young's beating the hell out of his girlfriend in the retelling of his story of redemption? The answer seemed pretty clear to me a week ago, but it seems that the journalistic consensus is trying to change my mind.

All Star Game Observation

Ichiro is RAD.